Why am I so confident? Several reasons. For one thing, when Trump decided to start his own social media company, he hired a hyper-litigious dairy farmer to head it up. For another, he tapped Rudy Fiddle-Drawers Giuliani, who once had to beg for help at an Apple Store after getting locked out of his iPhone, as his presidential cybersecurity adviser. Finally, he appears to know next to nothing about modern technology. I mean, the guy thinks we have invisible airplanes and worries that China is shooting hurricanes at us with their Dr. Evil weather machines, so you can draw your own conclusions.
With all that in mind, how can we be even a little surprised by the following revelation?
Donald Trump apparently believes that the reason his newly formed social media company, Truth Social, is not a runaway success is because Google has internally decided to sabotage him. “Is Google trying to fuck me?” the former president has reportedly been asking friends and advisers over the past several weeks.
According to Rolling Stone, Trump believes the tech giant has it out for him due to the fact that the Truth Social app is not yet available for Android users. Which, reporters Adam Rawnsley and Asawin Suebsaeng note, probably has less to do with Google trying to screw over the ex-president and more to do with the fact that, as of Tuesday, the company hadn’t “even submitted an Android app to Google to review for Play Store approval.” Nevertheless, Trump continues to labor under the idea that this is personal. “He keeps hearing about how Google and YouTube have it out for him…including on Truth Social, and I think he’s taking [it] seriously,” one source who’s discussed the matter with Trump told Rawnsley and Suebsaeng. According to the outlet, Trump, who reportedly doesn’t use email, once suggested that everyone in the U.S. should stop using computers, and reportedly calls iPads “the flat one,” has also asked if Google is is trying to “screw with me” or has simply wondered aloud, “What’s up with Google?”
“How dare Google refuse to carry our Android app just because we haven’t developed one yet?! Where are my lawyers?! No, not the ones I haven’t paid yet. The even more gullible ones!”
Needless to say, it’s not Google’s fault that Truth Social is being run like a basement cockfight with 80 one-star Yelp reviews. That’s all on Trump.
But fear not, Truth Socialites! Don Jr. is on the job!
In recent weeks, the former president’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., was called in to take a lead role focused on trying to “fix” what was wrong with the company and the app performance, according to two people familiar with the situation. One of these sources frankly referred to what Trump Jr. was doing as an emergency “rescue mission.”
So what the fuck does Trump think his gormless son is going to do? Have Kimberly Guilfoyle scream positive affirmations at the app for 30 minutes? If I ever get a silver coke spoon wedged in my sinuses, Don Jr. will be my first call. Other than that, I have to believe his most promising career path is either abstract Subway sandwich artist or USDA Grade C shark chum.
And now, because I don’t have a proper ending for this post … this:
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.