Texas law enforcement officials and government officials are working toward an agreement on what took place at Uvalde, Texas. Some outside that circle of officials have suggested that not all the facts are in and maybe some time should be allowed to pass before such an undertaking.
They have also pointed out there had already been statements made by Texas officials, including law enforcement, that were thought to be rather inappropriate considering the circumstances. It might be best to hold off for now, they suggested. The Texas officials dismissed those assertions. The officials said that they are confident in their ability to swiftly draft a concise and precise report that meets the professional standards of Texas.
So, a finding is already shaping up quickly and it will probably stand as the final report. As such, no changes are expected, unless the parents of those killed file lawsuits. If that takes place, an amended final report will be issued to help clarify the defendants’ justifiable position, and to be used to counter file lawsuits against the parents for damages and hurting the officials’ little bunny feelings. Here is the draft report:
Bad guy with guns went to a school. Big, brave police officers later went to the school, too. They did not know what the bad guy with guns was going to do. It confused the big, brave police officers. So they waited and thought about it. The bad guy with guns started shooting small, little people inside that school. Big people inside that school told big, brave police officers the small, little people were called students.
The big, brave police officers thought hard about what to do, but all the noise from the bad guy’s guns made it hard to think. They called in more big, brave police officers who helped them think hard of what to do. They all thought real, real hard. But, even though there was a posse of almost twenty of them, it was still hard to think real, real hard because the bad guy with guns would not stop shooting. They even tried to tell him to stop shooting. But they did not think he heard them because of all the noise from the guns he was shooting. Even though the bad guy with guns kept shooting, it did not stop the big, brave police officers from thinking real, real hard for a long, long time.
We do not know if we could have thought real, real hard for a long, long time like the big, brave police officers did. We did not think real, real hard or for a long, long time when we did this report because it was hard and there was a gun convention to go to. And, the thing is, we did not even have to think real, real hard while a bad guy was shooting a lot of bullets in a room next door to us, like the big, brave police officers had to do. So, we think the big, brave police officers did good.
Many, who were not big, brave police officers, but who were outside the school, tried to tell the big, brave police officers what to do. Those people were mean. Some yelled and hollered and said bad words. And they did other bad things. One of those mean people climbed a fence at the school, which is trespassing, and then she went into the school and came out with a couple of small, little people. The school does not let people take out their small, little people anytime they want without an excuse. So, you can see we had a serious problem here, truancy. She used bad words, too. However, we do not put those bad words in this report. We do not think Texas Christian ladies should hear such bad words. Those bad words might hurt their feelings and give them vapors. We like the word vapors, because it is old timey and makes us think of hoop skirts, plantations and free labor with no unions, including the one up north. Anyway, we think it best for the ladies, so we did not put those bad words in the report.
The mean people saying bad words hurt the big, brave police officers’ feelings. The big, brave police officers did not like their feelings hurt. They got mad. Then the big, brave police officers used that real good training they got in big, brave police academy. They yelled, screamed and handcuffed some of those mean people. Some of the mean people said they were pepper sprayed and tasered, too. We do not know much about that, but if so, it was ok, since those things do not hurt much. The big, brave police officers felt a lot better after doing this.
But that made them tired. So they waited some more.
Then, someone at the scene who was a higher authority than all the big, brave police officers – the school janitor – said there was a key to the door of the room that the bad guy with guns was in. They said that maybe the big, brave police officers could use it to unlock the door. After thinking about it real, real hard for a long, long time, one of the big, brave police officers said that it might work. He said that he had a key to the door of his house and that worked. All the big, brave police officers agreed that the key might let them in the room.
And then, real quick, after only about an hour, the big, brave police officers used that key to open the door and kill the bad guy with guns. So that there is no confusion about what we say about killing a bad guy with guns, here is what we mean: the big, brave police officers used a good gun to kill the bad guy with guns. Some wanted to call the bad guy’s guns bad guns, but no guns are bad, all guns are good. There are only bad guys. We should know. When the big, brave police officers killed the bad guy with guns it almost made them feel as good as when they used their real good police training on those mean people outside the school.
Afterwards we thought about things. Someone called it an after-action report. We think that was a good idea. So, here is what we thought:
First of all, our body of work is ours. No one has the right to make us put in it anything we do not want to put in it. It is our body of work, our choice.
We went to the gun convention, but the song singer who does “God Bless the USA” did not show up. So, we could not be proud to be American, even though we were in a big building with lots and lots of real good guns. We do not want to make anyone mad at us who made that convention, but they would not let us come in with our own guns. That made us sad. We had to walk around with no guns of our own, which felt strange. One of us said that he could not think right without a gun. He said his head felt like it was empty. And he was right. We all walked around with empty heads because of guns.
So, to make up for it later we went to a barbecue that was not at the convention and we showed each other our guns. That was fun. Everyone was showing each other their gun. There were all sorts of guns. A few were big, some were long, but most were average size, and there were a bunch that were little. Some were even tiny. We laughed at those tiny ones. We asked how they could tuck them in their pants. Not all the guns were the same color, so when we pulled out our guns to show each other it was like a rainbow. Someone said maybe we should not tell others about being gun owners. But, another man said that you should be proud of what you are. Be proud, be loud, he said. It was a little confusing, but some people thinked it seemed right. A few of the men seemed to be really affected by that. They walked out standing real tall. Some of them even forgot their guns and left them behind.
Of course, we thought that was different. Some of us took that hard. It was not that thinking kind of hard, but that other kind of hard, where your jaw gets real hard and your face gets real hard and your eyes get real hard, because you might be mad. It was sort of like crazy loco mad, but a different kind of mad. I guess you could call it Texas mad. So, we took their guns and made the guns feel good by shooting them a lot. I think the guns liked that. The guns got all warm and then hot. We liked that a lot and got real excited to have warm, hot guns in our hands. So, we guess it was good to be hard about those guns being left behind and shooting them off in our hands. After all the bullets were spent, and us too, we went home.
Anyway.
Many of the people that the bad guy with guns killed were very small, so we are only counting them as half a person. So not as many people died as the mean media said had died.
We want to thank some real nice Supreme Court judges in Washington D.C. – that is the big, brave court for America – for giving us help on that. The judges said there is something called the originalist U.S. Constitution. The judges also told us about something called the 3/5 compromise some smart people wrote in it when we became America. It is very complicated because it uses fractions and those are hard, but it gave us a good idea about counting people, even though ours did not have black people in it. The judges told us that was ok.
That compromise thing did seem real good, and we wondered why did they erase it? The nice judges said they were glad we liked it, and because of some good people like us, they just might write it back in. That made us proud to be Americans and True Texans*. One of the judges even made a joke, saying, “If they think they can just white out things, well, we will do a little replacement of our own.” We knew it was a joke, because that judge laughed real, real hard, like hard in the jaw and hard in the face and hard in the eyes.
The other judges also introduced us to another judge. She was pretty, not like those other lady judges. They seemed mean. We all gave a hand to that nice maiden judge, because she had said things that made us feel like real Americans and True Texans*. We told those nice judges we wished they had been at the barbecue with us because it would have been a lot of fun to talk with them and drink some beers. “I like beer, do you like beer?” one judge said to us. He seemed to really, really mean it, because his jaw got hard and his face got hard and his eyes got hard.
We are sorry if we talked a lot about those judges above, but we thought it might be important for you to know how things really work. Some people say America is not working anymore, but we think that is not true. Those nice judges are working like devils to make America like you ain’t never seen it in a hundred years or more. One of the judges told us that. “As good as the original,” was the way he put it.
Now for the rest of the report.
Some TV people were real mean to us. They said we wore ten-gallon hats over four-ounce brains. We do not know how much a brain weighs, but we are proud to say that our brains are as thick as a Texas steak.
Other TV people said that guns killed those small, little people. That is just plain stupid. Bullets killed those small, little people. We do not know where some people get their ideas from, but they should go to a gun convention or two. That would really open their eyes.
Now, some other TV people were real nice to us. They said things about us and guns that were real good. We could not follow everything they were saying because some of it was complicated and it twisted and turned like a crazy lasso being whipped around by a rodeo clown. But it sounded right to people if they just did not think too hard about it. Which is good, because thinking is real, real hard. You can ask our big, brave police officers.
We are not sure how the bad guy with guns paid for those nice guns. Someone said he might have used a credit card. It would be a shame if he did use a credit card to buy those nice, good guns. How would the credit card companies and those real good gun makers make any money if everyone buys nice guns and does not pay for them just because they are killed? It is especially sad to think about it, because it was not like he accidentally killed himself cleaning his guns.
That sometimes happens. We seen it. Sometimes people are cleaning their gun and they are in a dark place and they are thinking something and then they cannot see their way through with the gun there and then something bad happens with their gun. Some people say that person died by suicide. Well, we say that is wrong. Guns do not kill people. Guns are just there when a lot of people die. Must be some sort of coincidence is how we seen it. And it make sense, because in America there a lot of guns in a lot of places. Maybe if people do not like it they can go to a place where there are not a lot of guns. Someone said Mars. And, as far as being in a dark place and needing help with being in a place with more light, well, they just need to pay for more light themselves. We see no reason to pay for them so they can have more light. Heck, you are not paying for our bullets when we want to shoot things up.
But, in this case with the bad guy with guns he was killed by someone else. We wonder if the person who killed the bad guy with guns should have to pay for those guns to make it up to the good credit card companies and the good gun makers. Because this seems to happen a lot. You have a lone guy with a gun over there, and a lone guy with a gun over here, and a lone guy with a gun down there, and a lone guy with a gun up here, and then a bunch of lone guys with guns all over the place, and somebody kills them. Or worse yet, they get him all excited and riled up and he accidentally kills himself. Well, all those lone guys can add up to some real losses, for those companies. And we do not want that, do we?
Now, you know some of those people outside the school who were mean to the big, brave police officers? Well, we may be mean back to them. See how they like being yelled and hollered at when they are just standing there doing nothing and minding their own business.
As for the actual shooting stuff by the bad guy with guns we have found out the following after praying real, real hard for a long, long time to Jesus. And we know everything Jesus says is right, because He says everything we think:
We checked to see if the bad guy with guns could have guns. Good news, it was ok for him to have guns. Jesus weep.
Also, good news, no unborn were killed by the bad guy with guns or by big, brave police officers, only small, little people that did not live in a womb anymore. Jesus weep.
And, no big, brave police officers were killed. We gave them awards for saving their lives. So brave. Big, brave police officers weep.
We know the parents of the small, little people were sad. We gave them thoughts and prayers, plus lifted them up to Jesus. We feel real good having did that.
Then, after we were all done, we and the big, brave police officers put on our ten-gallon hats over our thick Texan brains and rode off into the sunset.
Jesus weep. Uncontrollably.
________________________________________________________________________________________
(Attention to the Texas Commission on Human Rights. No True Texans* were killed in the writing of this report. However, other Texans may not have been so fortunate.)
* True Texans are white, male, Republican persons native to the state of Texas. In some cases their hand maidens are included, but that is up to the discretion of that particular Texan and how big the maiden’s hair is. Other so-called “blue” Texans are expressly forbidden from being considered True Texans. And, if you are a POC you can absolutely fucking forget about it – in fact, you may wish to consider these two phrases: high noon and when are you getting out of town?)