C&J Annual Fundraiser
Bless me, Father, for I have blogged. It has been 18 years, 6 months, and 3 days since my first C&J, and 15 months since my last fundraiser which—funny story—is my primary source of income.
My soul is once again on the block. To usher C&J into another year of being bought and paid for by you, the best online community on the planet, please consider making a one-time donation or signing up for a monthly contribution. After all, there is “no daily column that's more celebrated for excellence in mediocrity” than this one, and that’s a claim you can rely on, since it was given a green check mark by my research think tank BillyFact.
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Snail mail and thrilling conclusion below the fold...
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And now, the content you’ve paid for...some of it in color!
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 13, 2022
Note: Did Bill in Portland Maine start posting Cheers and Jeers in 2003 as part of a coup attempt to wrest control of Daily Kos from Markos Moulitsas and turn it into an online candy store and smoke shop? Join us at 8pm for our first of 429 live public hearings on public access cable channel 1. Sponsored by Hershey's and Chesterfields.
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By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til Flag Day: 1
Days 'til the 17th annual Duck Tape Festival in Avon, Ohio: 3
Number of children under age 5 who will be eligible for the new Covid-19 kids vaccine this month: 18 million
First-time unemployment claims announced last week, up a bit but still the lowest level since 1970: 229,000
Percent of the NRA's annual budget they devoted to school safety programs, which it says is one of its biggest priorities, between 2014 and 2019: 0.08%
Recent per-roll shrinkage in the number of sheets in Cottonelle Ultra Clean Care toilet paper since inflation started rising: 340 to 312
Distance by which a renegade rock has traveled over the last 4 months with the Mars Rover Perseverance: 5.3 miles
Totally Random Weekend Baseball Score
Boston 2 Seattle 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Even dogs can't resist the allure of puppy breath…
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CHEERS to headlines we never thought we'd read. NBC News:
31 linked to white nationalist group arrested near Pride event in Idaho.
Holy crap! Nazis arrested in Nazi Land! Tell me more…
The suspects were booked on suspicion of conspiracy to riot, Coeur d'Alene Police Chief Lee White said at an afternoon news conference. Among those in custody late Saturday was a man with the same name as Patriot Front's Dallas-based founder, Thomas Ryan Rousseau.
White said police were made aware in recent days that a number of groups planned to disrupt Pride in the Park, an annual event highlighting civil rights struggles for the LGBTQ+ communities. […]
Look at ‘em. Taking a knee. Disgraceful.
Suspects resided in multiple states, including Texas, Utah, Idaho, Colorado, South Dakota, Illinois, Arkansas, Wyoming, Washington, Oregon and Virginia, he said. "They came to riot," White said.
The Nazis were driving a U-Haul full of shields and other riot crap when they were pulled over and arrested. "Repeat: they chose to rent from U-HAUL," said the giddy PR director at Ryder.
CHEERS to HOT! WEEKEND! PRIMARY! ACTION! Voters in the "Russia Can See Us From Their House Too" state voted Saturday, etching their preference to fill departed Alaska Rep. Don Young's House seat on a piece of birch bark and sending it to be tabulated and certified by the Council of Municipal Kodiak Bears. The most recognizable name on the ballot was Sarah Palin, the family-values titan who quit after a half term as Alaska's governor to go on the lucrative Talking Gibberish Circuit in between stints of tossing raw meat at her kids' out-of-wedlock babies, getting a divorce, and refereeing family fistfights on her front lawn. Amazingly, some Alaskans have long memories...
"I didn't vote for her. She quit in the middle of the job," said Alfred Rockwood, an 80-year-old retiree in Anchorage.
"She left a big stink in people's mouth when she quit after running (for vice president). That rubbed people the wrong way," said Kelly Lyons, a 46-year-old engineer in Anchorage.
The top four finishers will face off in an August election, and they are: four Kodiak bears, all write-in candidates. Sounds legit to me. Congrats. I’m sending fifty bucks to the one named Fluffy.
CHEERS to the anti-Clarence Thomas. On June 13, 1967, in an act of equal parts courage and smarts, Lyndon Johnson nominated Thurgood Marshall to become the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court. His 24 years on the bench worked out very well for America, and his previous work wasn't chopped liver, either:
After amassing an impressive record of Supreme Court challenges to state-sponsored discrimination, including the landmark Brown v. Board decision in 1954, President John F. Kennedy appointed Thurgood Marshall to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit.
Thurgood Marshall was succeeded by Clarence Thomas. What an effing leap backwards.
In this capacity, he wrote over 150 decisions including support for the rights of immigrants, limiting government intrusion in cases involving illegal search and seizure, double jeopardy, and right to privacy issues. [...]
In 1965 President Lyndon Johnson appointed Judge Marshall to the office of U.S. Solicitor General. Before his subsequent nomination to the United States Supreme Court in 1967, Thurgood Marshall won 14 of the 19 cases he argued before the Supreme Court on behalf of the government. Indeed, Thurgood Marshall represented and won more cases before the United States Supreme Court than any other American.
And no one ever—ever—found a pubic hair on his Coke can.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to George Costanza with a badge. I was wondering if our country would find a "cop in charge" who would end up as incompetent and notorious as the likes of Arizona's Joe Arpaio or—who was that idiot from Milwaukee who wore those fake medals?—David Clarke. I needn't have worried my pretty little head, because Ding Ding Ding! We have a loser…
The Texas school police chief criticized for his actions during one of the deadliest classroom shootings in U.S. history said in his first extensive comments since the massacre, published Thursday, that he didn't consider himself the person in charge as it unfolded and assumed someone else had taken control of the law enforcement response.
Next excuse: Antifa prevented me from saving those kids.
Pete Arredondo, 50, the police chief of the Uvalde school district, also told The Texas Tribune he intentionally left behind both his police and campus radios before entering Robb Elementary School.
Arredondo defended his actions and those of other law enforcement, remarking to the Tribune that, "Not a single responding officer ever hesitated, even for a moment, to put themselves at risk to save the children," Arredondo said.
But it'll all work out fine for him in the end. With a few tweaks here and there by the Texas School Board, the next school history textbook will have "Pistol Packin' Pete" harnessing his split-second reflexes to Pew Pew Pew his way into the school on a white stallion and save all the children. I just hope there's enough room left on the National Mall for a statue.
CHEERS to the rulebook I routinely ignore. 121 years ago today—in 1901—the first professional open championship to utilize rules of the U.S. Golf Association was held in Hamilton, Massachusetts. Topping the list: make sure the beer's cold.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 13, 2012
CHEERS to many happy returns. In primary election action yesterday, Maine Democrats chose progressive Cynthia Dill to run for the Senate seat being vacated by Olympia "Too Liberal For The Tea Party" Snowe. She'll run against Maine's GOP Secretary of State Charlie Summers, and they'll both get crushed by independent former Governor Angus King, who will caucus with Democrats and be excellent on social issues but occasionally slippery on fiscal issues. Oops. Sorry. Shoulda said "Spoiler alert." [6/13/22 Update: Senator Angus King, now in his second term, does indeed caucus with Democrats and is excellent on social issues but occasionally slippery on fiscal issues. Told ya so.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to everyone's favorite Center Square. Today is late comedian and Hollywood Squares icon Paul Lynde's 96th birthday. Regular readers know I boast about him because he and I share the same hometown—Mt. Vernon, Ohio—and also a distrust of politicians: "They talk in generalities and lies, and I think they’ve caused all our grief." He was gay gay gay gay gay, but the marriage proposals from clueless middle-aged women rolled in by the truckload anyway. It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material...
Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex.
Mt. Vernon, Ohio’s finest.
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Peter Marshall: According to the Constitution, what's the proper term for our form of government?
Paul Lynde: At the moment? Shaky. Or will you accept Thppppppppttt!!!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes.
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Peter Marshall: What was your grandmother probably trying to do when she drank a mixture of kerosene, sugar and onion juice?
Paul Lynde: We’ll never know. She blew up.
And who can forget Uncle Arthur on Bewitched? Even 40 years after he died, everyone who knows of him remembers him fondly. Except, perhaps, Mount Vernon, Ohio, which I understand removed signs at the city limits touting my hometown as the "Birthplace of Paul Lynde." Still up, however, are the signs promoting Mount Vernon as the "Birthplace of Daniel Decatur Emmett," the composer of the minstrel ditty that became the anthem of the Confederacy: "Dixie." As Paul would say: "Oh my goodness."
Oh, and if you’re wondering when the next Jan. 6 hearing is, it’s this morning at 10. Lovely—just in time for my first gin & tonic of the day. Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"The kid in us knows that even in a pokey, predictable Cheers and Jeers like this one you still stick around for the kiddie pool splashing. But the wonder and awe of Bill in Portland Maine has gone pfft."
—Peter Travers
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