Sometime after Mike Lindell’s mustache attained sentience—but well before Lindell himself did—it and/or he founded MyPillow Inc. And the rest is (about to be) history.
Of course, it’s ironic that a dude who looks like he hasn’t had a full night’s sleep since Instacart debuted nighttime fudge deliveries would own a pillow company. The guy continually acts as if his circadian rhythm is synched to a diarrheic hummingbird’s sphincter instead of the Earth’s rotation.
Well, in another cruel bit of irony, Lindell may finally have time for sleep. His once-booming pillow concern has taken another major step into a grave of its own making after Walmart decided to stop carrying its wares in its stores. And Lindell’s brain—whose EEG readings are roughly what you’d get if you spent a lazy Sunday tossing wet spaghetti at a bug zapper—is now glitching big-time.
LINDELL: “And I said, ‘I get it, you’re canceling us.’ And he had this shmirk [sic] on his face and I shlammed [sic] the computer. Disgusting. Shame on you, Walmart. Shame on you. Just because you thought you could wait until now, for the American people, for the people of this country to sit there and do a slow cancel out. It’s just as bad, you should have just done it on day 1 when I stood up with the evidence out there. That’s what they should have done, Brannon. They’re cowards, they’re disgusting.”
Lindell also did a looonnng Facebook Live video. If you want to watch the whole thing, I’m sorry your life has taken the same sad turn mine apparently has. That said, you can view it below. It’s something to behold, I’ll say that much.
If you don’t feel like watching that whole thing, The Washington Times has helpfully provided a summary:
[Lindell] explained that My Pillow spends $500,000 weekly on televised advertising and that the move was counterintuitive.
Lindell added that Walmart later said it would be discontinuing his product entirely, claiming it received poor ratings.
He said he told the executives that "trolls" were responsible for any poor ratings, to no avail. He claimed he offered a much lower retail price for the box store, but the plea also fell on deaf ears. According to him, it will amount to a "$10 million hit" that "goes directly to my employees."
Lindell already faces a $1.3 billion defamation lawsuit from Dominion Voting Systems over his serial election lies, and now he’s losing millions in revenue. That’s a lot of money to squander for the benefit of Donald Trump—and he didn’t even have to enroll in a fake university!
Good luck, Mike. This could be the final stake in your heart. Get some sleep now. It looks like you could really use it.
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