Wednesday with George
Hard to believe it was fourteen years ago when we got the news that Philosopher of Comedy George Carlin had died too young at 71. Seems appropriate to remember him with some of his brain droppings…
"Remember, kids, Mr. Policeman is your friend. Always cooperate with him. Mr. Policeman wants to help you, so you must help Mr. Policeman. Don't forget, if you refuse to cooperate, Mr. Policeman will beat you to death. Especially if you're not white."
“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms."
"Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise."
Continued...
"Children's Hospital in New York is quite an amazing place. On a recent visit, I saw two seven-year-olds performing a kidney transplant."
"They always say the vice president is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t they mean the lack of a heartbeat?"
“People who see life as anything other than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
There's a message window that comes up on my computer screen whenever I type a command the computer doesn’t like. It says, "Fuck you, I don’t do that."
“When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic. I'm an acrostic. I'm puzzled by the whole thing.”
"Stick around. China's gonna win it all."
And if you have time, sit back for ten minutes and appreciate the sheer preparation and practice required to pull off his legendary (and NSFW) set about those 7 famous words. Like a vuvuzela to the ears of the Puritan.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 22, 2022
Note: Whoever replaced my entrenched narrative with fresh perspective has 24 hours to switch it back or I'm calling the proper authorities.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til autumn: 90
Days 'til Zoobilee! Feast with the Beasts in Providence, RI: 3
Weeks 'til the expected re-opening of Yosemite National Park after the flooding there: 2
Acres of land in the U.S. that have burned due to wildfires so far this year: 3 million
Percent chance that the Maine oyster catch set an all-time record last year, worth $10 million versus just $1.3 million in 2011: 100%
Number of hikers who died Sunday in New Hampshire near Mount Washington amid snow and 80 mph winds: 1
Final bid to have the last "charity lunch" with Warren Buffett via eBay auction: $19 million
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 5 gogs and 1 recitation of the Republican Prayer). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Wow.
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CHEERS to Day 4. More remarkable testimony yesterday at the House Jan. 6 Subcommittee hearings. Far be it from me to rely on Fox News for my instant analysis, but once in a while you just gotta make an exception:
Cliffs Notes version: Trump did crimey stuff in Georgia and Arizona to try and steal the 2020 election, and in so doing he put the local and state elections officials through a living nightmare of death threats, break-ins, and other assorted terrorism by his brain-dead cult. And where was our illustrious Attorney General Merrick Garland yesterday? Lecturing Ukrainians on how to properly punish those who commit war crimes. Hilarious, isn’t it? No, not you…I'm asking George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.
CHEERS to moving left. Aborrajados for everyone! There's bad news for the conservative horde, seeing as Colombia held elections last weekend and made a little history:
Leftist Gustavo Petro, a former member of the M-19 guerrilla movement who has vowed profound social and economic change, won Colombia’s presidency on Sunday, the first progressive to do so in the country’s history.
Petro, a former mayor of capital Bogota and current senator, has pledged to fight inequality with free university education, pension reforms and high taxes on unproductive land. He won 50.5% to Hernandez’s 47.3%. […]
Petro’s running mate Francia Marquez, a single mother and former housekeeper, will be the country’s first Afro-Colombian woman vice-president. “Today I’m voting for my daughter —she turned 15 two weeks ago and asked for just one gift: that I vote for Petro,” said security guard Pedro Vargas, 48, in Bogota’s southwest on Sunday morning.
Good luck to the Petro-Marquez administration. But keep your eye on senators Jose Manchino and Kyrstentita Sinemandra. They look like trouble.
CHEERS to supporting the troops. 78 years ago today, President Roosevelt—he of the super-awesome Democratic Party—signed the G.I. Bill of Rights:
Although World War II was far from over, FDR was determined to plan ahead for a smooth transition to peace, both abroad and at home.
The President proposed to Congress a way to level the economic impact of the war’s end and to integrate returning veterans back into American society.
The result was the GI Bill.
Now widely credited with creating the post-war middle class, the GI Bill of Rights provided returning veterans with educational benefits, work training, hiring preferences, and subsidized loans for buying homes, businesses and farms. It continues today to be one of the lasting legacies of the Roosevelt administration.
It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what our 43rd president (remember him?) wanted to do for servicemembers during his wartime presidency...minus the low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. (But double the deployments!)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to being born! A hearty "Happy Birthday and many blessings on your camels" to Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who turns [hffrrhffrrhrrr] today. Republicans fought tooth and nail to keep her from getting elected to the seat once occupied by the mighty Ted Kennedy, and it's easy to see why: her brains, common sense and willingness to expose the banksters and Trumpbots as the scum-sucking vampire squids they are have made her the ideological North Star for the Democratic party and a huge swath of independents.
Our official C&J birthday gift to Senator Warren, as she continues her battle against the Republican forces of evil: a new pair of shoes with spikes in the toes. (Use them for good, ma’am. Only for good.)
JEERS to punishment via dumbstick. And then there's this little bit of scientific wankery, courtesy of the Catholic Church (the American branch of which is now trying to deny President Biden communion for not being Republican enough). On June 22, 1633, Galileo Galilei was told that he had to "abjure, curse, and detest" his view that the earth revolved around the sun. Let's review the church's decree, shall we?
The proposition that the Sun is the center of the world and does not move from its place is absurd and false philosophically and formally heretical, because it is expressly contrary to Holy Scripture.
The proposition that the Earth is not the center of the world and immovable but that it moves, and also with a diurnal motion, is equally absurd and false philosophically and theologically considered at least erroneous in faith.
It took the Vatican over 350 years to admit their heads revolved around their asses. But they had a very good reason why: they were, like, y’know, busy with stuff.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 22, 2012
JEERS to untruth in advertising. The leaders of an Alaska militia group were convicted this week on several counts of thuggery, including the attempted assassination of government officials. They warned of blood running in the streets, actively called for the imminent fall of the United States government, and never met a firearm they didn’t like. The name they chose to encapsulate their group's violent goals: the Alaska Peacemakers. I like their new name better: the Alaska License Plate Makers.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to remembering the “Great Sitstorm” of Aught Sixteen. Can't let the week squeak by without slipping into the wayback machine to remember the day we discovered that Democrats could stage a sit-down protest on the floor of the House, disrupting business and throwing the Republican majority into a tizzy. But there wasn't a thing they could do about it, in part because the leader of the resistance was a living American icon:
Led by civil rights icon Rep. John Lewis (D-GA), Democratic members of Congress literally sat on the House floor on Wednesday to demand action on gun control. Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) responded by ordering the cameras off and abruptly ending the session.
“We have lost hundreds of thousands of innocent people to gun violence,” Lewis said on the House floor during Wednesday’s morning session.
Dozens of Democratic members of Congress stood beside him, before they all took a seat on the floor.
“Tiny little children. Babies, students, and teachers. Mothers and fathers. Sisters and brothers. Daughters and sons. Friends and neighbors,” Lewis said. “And what has this body done?”
Watch him thunder and pound the lectern in righteous indignation on the House floor with his Democratic colleagues standing behind him. Indelible moment:
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And so they literally sat on the floor of the House, much to the delight of Americans sick and tired of gun violence, but to the chagrin of the congress members' backsides. Nobody expected Republicans to do anything constructive in response, but it achieved Lewis's goal of "making some noise" and getting Americans to notice which party is looking out for them. On that score: point Democrats.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
If Bill in Portland Maine is calling, let it go to voicemail
—Vox
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