This isn’t new, but it remains my all-time favorite fictional legal case.
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Ian Frazier wrote the opening statement for Mr. Coyote’s lawsuit against the Acme corporation for repeatedly selling him defective equipment. As the saying goes, read the whole thing, but here’s a taste:
At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue # 78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote’s prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote’s careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant’s product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
Damages requested: $38,750,000.
Stephen Menard wrote the defendant’s response:
Arizona law is clear on this point: a plaintiff who is found to be violating any law whose purpose is safety at the time of his injury is contributorily negligent *per se*. There is ample evidence that Mr. Coyote was violating both the laws of gravity and inertia at the time of this incident, and thus he is responsible for his own woes….
You will also hear the testimony of Mr. Road Runner, the plaintiff's prey and the true victim in this tragedy. Mr. Runner has been forced to live a nomadic lifestyle as a result of Mr. Coyote's unwanted attention, preventing him from forming any type of long term relationships. Numerous restraining orders had no effect. Mr. Runner has also suffered numerous psychological problems as a result of Mr. Coyote's actions, including but not limited to an inability to trust anyone who provides him with bird seed, a necessary ingredient in his daily nutritional schedule.
There’s now a movie in the works.
On to Top Comments!
From Fffflats:
Jjohnjj points out how we get divided and conquered. From this story by rdewey.
From Marko the Werelynx:
The comments section of Marissa Higgins' recent post is overflowing with misunderstanding, frothy outrage and purist trolling. I'd like to shout out Sue Blue for their affirmative response to CyberMindGrrl in which they break the nonsense apart and if their concluding few sentences don't get you on your feet applauding, you're nobody I want to have a beer with.
Damn, that's good stuff.
From RosyFinch:
I appreciate the wit of Lounge Lizard which brightened my day.
"Mt Everest is a hill" INDEED!
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