Wayback Wednesday
Misty watercolor memories from six years ago this week when Ted Cruz got booed out of the convention hall, courtesy of the Bad Lip Reading guys:
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And we all lived happily ever after.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 27, 2022
Note: Today is Take Your Houseplants For A Walk Day. For maximum enjoyment, we recommend you celebrate Smoke Your Special Homegrown Houseplant That Sits Under The Purple Grow Light Day before you leave the house. And don’t forget to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the official end of the "dog days of summer": 15
Days 'til the return of the Maine Lobster Festival in Rockland: 7
Percent chance that President Biden continued the drone-strike campaign started and continued by Presidents Bush, Obama, and Trump: 0%
Estimated number of viewers, according to Nielsen Research, who watched last week's House Jan. 6 Committee hearing, the second-highest of all 8 hearings: 17.7 million
Percent of the viewers who were 55 and older, aka likely voters: 77%
Speed at which Sen. Josh Hawley ran for his life out of the Capitol building on Jan. 6, 2021, the fastest known scaredy-cat sprint on record: 397mph
Age of beloved character actors Paul Sorvino ("Goodfellas," "Law & Order") and David Warner ("Time Bandits," "Star Trek V & VI") when they died this week: 83, 80
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 4 volcanoes and 1God's Little Insurrectionist play set). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "The Paws That Refreshes…"
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CHEERS to workin' your way up the rotten-food chain. They're proceeding so quietly that I'd forgotten a federal grand jury is hearing evidence related to the Republican 2021 insurrection. And unlike the House's investigation, the temptation to blow off a subpoena from the Justice Department isn't really an option. And it turns out that the subpoenas are bagging some big game. Like for instance Marc Short, who was Mike Pence's chief of staff, and saw some things. Very bad things…
Short was a key witness to the chaotic final days of the Trump administration as Donald Trump attempted to remain in power, pressuring those around him to find ways to overturn the results of the 2020presidential election.
Short was in the Oval Office on Jan. 4, 2021, when Trump had lawyer John Eastman attempt to convince Pence to delay the certification of the Electoral College vote. That plan involved the vice president making false assertions that there were issues with electoral votes that had been certified for Joe Biden, who won the 2020 race. (Pence declined to go along with the plan.)
Short was also in the Capitol with Pence on Jan. 6as the vice president was forced to flee from pro-Trump rioters who stormed the building, some of whom were chanting, “Hang Mike Pence.”
Dare we raise our hopes that Merrick Garland is about to fire up his modified snowplow and crash through the gates of Mar-A-Lago while shouting, "Your crimey days are over, old man!" I hope not. Mainly because I think Trump's in New Jersey at the moment.
CHEERS to getting to the bottom of all this insurrection whatchamahootchie. While we’re counting down the days ‘til September’s Jan. 6 Committee “bonus hearings,” it’s worth mentioning that one year ago today they held their first one to get to the bottom of what happened the day the MAGAts went all "Reichstag Fire" on their country by storming the Capitol to hang Trump's vice president, smear feces on the walls, ransack the place, attack the Capitol Police, plant a Confederate flag under the Rotunda, and stop the certification of Joe Biden's election victory. Or, as the cult likes to say: the day they dressed up in their fancy best to hug and kiss the Capitol Police as they politely took a tour of our seat of government out of intellectual curiosity. So, y'know…potato puhtahto. If I recall correctly, co-chairman Rep. Bennie Thompson's opening question was a doozy:
"Congressman Jim Jordan, would you like to say a few opening words? Oh, wait, that's right, he got booted off the committee Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Any objection to Congressman Jordan going first? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Or do you just want to sit there and look the other way, cuz I hear you were really good doing that at OSU. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!”
Thus explaining why one year ago today was also the first time anyone ever saw Liz Cheney crack a smile.
JEERS to hounding the wrong guy. Here’s a reminder that assholes can, and do, sometimes pee in the pool during the fun. Twenty-six years ago today, domestic right-wing terrorist nut Eric Rudolph detonated a pipe bomb at the Summer Olympic games in Atlanta.
The blast killed one person and injured over a hundred more, but it could've been worse if security guard Richard Jewell hadn’t found the bomb and tried to move people out of harm's way. The hero was later pilloried in the press and by the late-night gaggle (Leno called him the "Una-doofus") when it became known that the FBI considered him a suspect. Then, when his name was officially cleared, they moved on and dumped his reputation by the side of the road like a rodent carcass. Wikipedia reminds us of what the media should've learned:
Jewell's case became an example of the damage that can be done by reporting based on unreliable or incomplete information...
Mr. Lesson From The Past, meet Mr. ADD.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to hollow words. Oh look—the Catholic Church is apologizing again for a top-down act of unspeakable horror on the very people it claims to love and cherish and blah blah blah. And once again, it's offering its words of remorse waaaaaaaaay later than it should:
"I am sorry," the pope said, speaking in Maskwacis, Alberta, at the lands of four Cree nations. "I humbly beg forgiveness for the evil committed by so many Christians against the Indigenous peoples," Francis said near the site of the former Ermineskin Indian Residential School, where ground-penetrating radar has been used to try to locate unmarked graves of students who died while attending the school.
The residential schools forcibly separated Indigenous children from their parents as part of an effort to convert them to Christianity and assimilate them into the wider Canadian culture.
In total, 150,000 children from Canada's First Nations tribes were placed in 139 schools run under government contract—most by the Catholic Church—over a 150-year period.
So that's one more long-overdue apology down, and probably thousands more to go in countries all around the world for shit they did over many centuries. What happened in Canada is just one more reason why the Catholic Church should come with a warning: Keep Out Of Reach Of Children.
CHEERS to the end of the end. It was all over for Tricky Dick 48 years ago today, thanks to a 27-11 vote by the House Judiciary Committee to adopt the first of three articles of impeachment against President Nixon who, said ABC News's Tom Jarrell at the time, was "presumably still in his swim trunks" while on vacation in California when he heard the news. Meanwhile, then-VP Gerald Ford just couldn’t help but play a little game of up-is-downism:
Ford: It's interesting that every Democrat on the committee—north and south—voted for the article. ... It tends to make it a partisan issue.
Reporter: Even if one-third of Republicans voted for it?
Ford: Well, the fact that every one of the Democrats voted for it, I think, uh, lends credence that it's a partisan issue, even though some Republicans have deviated.
...said the Republican who later unilaterally exonerated the Republican crook. But, hey, what's a little hypocrisy among friends?
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 27, 2012
CHEERS to finding true (state-mandated-under-penalty-of-forced-labor) love. Aww, don’t ya just love it when ruthless dictators get twitterpated? That's the big story coming out of North Korea, where Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un married Ri Sol-Ju after realizing that his biological clock was ticking ticking ticking. Her present to him: pearl cufflinks and a Netflix account. His present to her: the launch of a test rocket that'll explode seconds after liftoff. [Sniff] Pass the tissues.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a fabulous quintet. Just a pure unadulterated good news story: the 45th Kennedy Center Honorees have been announced. As usual, the wealth of talent has a liberal bias:
“Whether saving humanity, masterminding a heist, or captaining a ship in dangerous seas, actor George Clooney’s unique brand of earnest charisma and his complete embodiment of a character has led us to root for him every time.
Multi-platinum singer-songwriter Amy Grant became the first artist to bring contemporary Christian music to the forefront of American culture, then equally thrived after crossing over into mainstream pop with hit after hit, and today is revered as the “Queen of Christian Pop.”
In her 55-year music career, legendary singer and America’s beloved “Empress of Soul” Gladys Knight went from the Pips of Georgia to Grammy royalty, showcasing a boundless vocal range and soulfulness that has stood the test of time.
A brave, young Cuban refugee turned Pulitzer Prize-winning composer and music ambassador, Tania León has blessed America for more than five decades with her astoundingly original compositions and continues to be a major influence on classical music.
And one of most influential rock bands of the modern rock era, U2, won over America and the world long ago with their iconic anthems, potent lyrics, and powerful messages of social justice and global citizenship—earning a musical legacy that crosses generations, inspires, and unites.”
The sitting President of the United States will attend the induction festivities at the Kennedy Center sitting in a balcony seat with the honorees during the festivities on December 4th. The last president snubbed them on orders from his doctor. Apparently he suffers from a severe allergy to the toxic mix of happiness and culture.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Bill in Portland Maine—the answer to the question, what if a garbage can full of cocaine and squirrel-raising pamphlets wished to be a real boy? "
—John Oliver
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