Vladimir Putin suffers a stroke during the invasion of Ukraine and goes into a coma.
After several years, he wakes up and is allowed to leave the hospital, walking out onto the streets of Moscow.
Several years of being in a vegetative state have apparently taken their toll on the Russian leader, because no one recognizes him.
He decides to walk into a bar and orders himself one stiff drink, and then another.
After downing the two double vodkas, he asks the bartender:
”What year is it?”
Somewhat taken aback by the question, the bartender responds: “2025.”
”Did we win the war?” Putin asks.
”We won,” the bartender responds, pouring himself and Putin another shot, and clinking the glasses. “To our glorious victory,” the bartender says as they both down the shots.
”And Crimea, is it still ours?” Putin asks.
”Still ours,” the bartender responds.
“And Kiev, is it ours?”
”Of course,” the bartender responds.
This makes the Russian leader smile. He asks the bartender how much he owes for the drinks.
”100 hryvnia,” the bartender responds.
What will Vladimir Putin be remembered for?
Turning the world’s second most powerful military into the second most powerful military in Ukraine.
Vladimir Putin visits an elementary school in Siberia. After he gives a speech, the children have a chance to ask their leader questions.
Eventually, little Sasha raises his hand and says, “I have two questions.”
“1. Why did Russia invade Crimea?
2. Why are Russian soldiers currently in Ukraine?”
Before Putin has a chance to respond, the bell rings, and all the children run out for recess.
When they return, another child, Vova, raises his hand and says, “I have four questions.”
”1. Why did Russia invade Crimea?
2. Why are Russian soldiers currently in Ukraine?
3. Why did the bell ring early today?
4. Where is Sasha?”
Why is Putin’s approval rating in Russia only 80%?
The other 20% of the country is temporarily missing.
After he dies, Vladimir Putin finds himself standing in a giant lake filled with blood.
The blood reaches all the way up to the Russian dictator’s neck, so much so that he has trouble staying above it and breathing.
He looks around and sees that next to him is Joseph Stalin. Stalin is standing with blood only up to his waist, calmly smoking a pipe.
”This is completely unfair,” says Vlad. “Osip, you murdered millions of people, and I am only responsible for the death of a few hundred thousand. Why am I nearly drowning, all the way up to my neck in blood, and you only have blood up to your waist?”
Stalin removes the pipe from his mouth, then waits a few seconds before responding.
”My dear Volodya,” he says. “I am standing on the shoulders of Lenin.”
Have you heard the joke about Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un?
[It has been removed].
A man is standing in Red Square in Moscow with a handmade sign that says:
“Stop the insanity! End the reign of the bloody madman!”
Two FSB agents walk up to him and get ready to arrest him.
Protesting, the man says: “Why are you arresting me? My sign is meant to be against Ukraine’s President, Volodymyr Zelensky — the bloody madman!”
”Right, right,” says the FSB agent. “We all know who you’re referring to.”
Viktor Orban, Marine Le Pen, Paul Manafort and Donald Trump all go out to a bar. Who picks up the tab?
Vladimir Putin.
Finally, let’s round it off with a couple Donald Trump jokes —
Did you hear the Trump Presidential Library burned down?
This was a tragedy, not only because both of the books were burned, but Donald had only colored-in one of them.
Why did the Pentagon change the U.S. nuclear code to 141 characters?
So that Donald Trump couldn’t tweet it.
What is the main difference between a chickpea and a kidney bean?
Donald Trump has never paid to have a kidney bean on his face.
And if anyone thinks it’s inappropriate to be telling jokes about Vladimir Putin in the midst of a brutal invasion, the only thing I can say in my defense is: if I know anything about Ukrainians, their soldiers are probably telling these very same jokes (or ones very similar) as they face down Russian artillery in the trenches. Slava Ukraini.