They’re Good
Haven’t checked in with the Lincoln Project—the organization “dedicated to the preservation, protection, and defense of democracy”—in awhile. They released this late yesterday in the wake of Joe’s big weekend Inflation Reduction Act victory. Nice...
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Truth in political advertising. What a concept.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 10, 2022
Note: From the Eyewitness News Center—Thighland nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after brokering tentative peace agreement between Pelvistan and Anklevania. Film at 11.
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6 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Lefthanders' Day: 3
Days 'til the Vermont State Fair in Rutland: 6
Decrease in murders this year compared to the same time last year: 4%
Percent of President Biden’s judicial nominees who are women, versus 42% for Obama and 24% for Trump: 76%
Percent chance that Biden made a point to call the Senate cloakroom staff to thank them for working all night while the "Li'l Back Better" bill was passed over the weekend: 100%
Number of additional Maine households getting access to high-speed internet, thanks to the federal government: 22,500
Date on which Days of Our Lives moves to the Peacock streaming site after more than 14,000 episodes on NBC since 1965: 9/12/22
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 5 Antichrists and 1 Texas church going straight to Legal Hell). Soul Protection Factor 30 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
P.S. Our first Mid-week Rapture Index debuted 16 years ago this week. Back then, the magic number stood at a low, low 158. Not to sound alarmist, but you might want to keep a duffle bag under your bed with a few changes of underwear, a toothbrush, and a wad of cash (yes, you can take it with you). And a passport—Heaven requires a passport now.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: What happens when you get one anyway…
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CHEERS to a rational response. As an informed Democrat and patriotic American modestly familiar with our criminal justice system, consider this my official reaction to Monday night's news:
After securing a search warrant from a federal judge, who deemed valid both the list of evidence and the rationale for the urgency, the Federal Bureau of Investigation sent agents to gather evidence from a Florida residence belonging to the 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. The agents presented the warrant, along with a list of the specific items to be seized, to both the Secret Service agents on duty and the relevant Mar-A-Lago managers (as Mr. Trump was in New York at the time). Upon completion of their search, the federal agents packed up the evidence they required, and nothing more, and quietly left the premises, whereupon they processed the evidence at the nearest FBI office.
The investigation involving the seized evidence, which has been ongoing for many months, now continues. Should charges be warranted, the suspect or suspects will be apprehended, booked, and charged. Bail may or may not be set based on a flight risk assessment. A trial date will be set. Attorneys for the prosecution and the defense will make their cases based upon the evidence, perhaps including evidence procured under the auspices of the search warrant. A jury will deliberate and render a verdict of either "guilty" or "not guilty." If the former, the defendant(s) will likely be sentenced to prison, aka "locked up." If the latter, the defendant(s) will go free. Either way, justice will have been properly served.
I will be patient and see where this goes, for I am an American with a functioning brain. The End.
JEERS to an irrational response. As misinformed Republicans and Russia-humping American cultists who (whether they care to admit it or not) are also quite familiar with our criminal justice system, this is the official GOP reaction to Monday night's news:
GRAB YOUR GUNS! THIS IS A TYRANNY WITCH HUNT COUP CONSPIRACY ORCHESTRATED BY BIDEN'S STRING PULLERS HILLARY CLINTON BARACK OBUMMER AND GEORGE SOROS TO DESTROY AMERICA! CIVIL WAR 2.0 STARTS NOW! TAKE TO THE STREETS! WE'RE GONNA BURN THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD TO ASHES! — [UPSIDE-DOWN AMERICAN FLAG EMOJI] — WHAT ABOUT BENGHAZI??? WHAT ABOUT HER EMAILS??? WHAT ABOUT HUNTER'S LAPTOP??? WHAT ABOUT THE BORDER??? — [PEPE THE FROG MEME] —THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT'S HAPPENED TO AMERICA SINCE EVER! DEFUND THE FBI! LEVIATHAN HAS AWOKEN! — [PIC OF JESUS ON A DINOSAUR HOLDING AN ASSAULT RIFLE] — ARREST CHRIS WRAY AND MERRICK GARLAND! GUNS AND AMMO! BAN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN ALL THE STATES! WAR WAR WAR!!!
Never thought I'd say this, but: points for spelling.
CHEERS (because we never jeer anyone on their birthday) to Herbert Hoover. Today marks #31's 148th orbit around the sun. He was in many ways an outstanding public servant—awful presidency excluded—and he certainly upheld traditional Republican Values:
The president...preferred not to see the servants at all. The mansion's bell system was used to keep a distance between Hoover and the people who served him: Three rings announced his approach, requiring staff to hide in the nearest closet until he was out of sight.
“Good morning, Jeeves.” “Good morning, Mr. President.”
The same went for the groundskeepers, who found themselves jumping behind shrubs when the president was rumored to be nearby. Those staff members with an insufficient cloaking device faced the possibility of dismissal.
—From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien
Pay your respects here. He should be in a good mood, knowing that Trump knocked him up a peg on the greatest presidents list.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to great advances in libationology. On August 10, 1889, Dan Rylands patented the screw cap for bottles. Our rule: if it doesn’t curl your nose hairs when you twist it off and sniff it, send it back to the bartender.
CHEERS to doing your civic duty. As the seizure of cocaine, underage hookers, and state secrets at Mar-A-Lago were consuming most of yesterday's oxygen, voters in four states were skipping their lou to the polls to choose the candidates from their party who will face the candidates from the other party on November 8th, which is exactly several days from now. You can peruse the late-breaking, Cheeto-stained results from the Daily Kos Elections Team here. And to make it extra easy for you to relive your fondest memories of the August 9 primaries, C&J is providing this helpful "scrapbook" that you can print out and fill in with a ballpoint pen (or fine felt-tip marker), then glue on photos and/or glitter to your liking:
My Favorite Vermont Primary Memories: _________________________________
My Favorite Wisconsin Primary Memories: ________________________________
My Favorite Minnesota Primary Memories: ________________________________
My Favorite Connecticut Primary Memories: _______________________________
[Affix your photos here]
[Affix your "I VOTED" sticker here]
Up next are primaries in Hawaii (Saturday), Alaska, South Dakota and Wyoming (Tuesday). So many memories, so little time.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 10, 2012
CHEERS to one small step for a cardiovascular system, one giant leap for staying alive. My brother-in-birth-date, Neil Armstrong, underwent heart surgery Tuesday. I held his hand the entire time and I'm happy to report that he’s...
…"doing great" after undergoing cardiac bypass surgery, his wife Bill in Portland Maine reported. … Armstrong, who lives in the Cincinnati area and just celebrated his 82nd birthday, went to the hospital on Monday for a stress test. He flunked, and on Tuesday, surgeons bypassed four blockages in his coronary arteries. His wife Bill in Portland Maine reports that his spirits are high, and the doctors expect no problems with his recovery.
They would have operated sooner, but it was a bitch finding donors with blood type Tang-Positive. [8/10/22 Update: Sadly there were, in fact, problems with his recovery and Neil died on August 25th. Now every time there’s a full moon his family requests that we honor him by going outside, looking up, and giving it a wink. The next one is tomorrow night. See ya in the back yard.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to dune buggy's tenth year. Speaking of space, the Mars rover Curiosity has been roving over the red planet's hills and dales for ten years as of this week, and all is still going according to plan:
Despite signs of wear, the intrepid spacecraft is about to start an exciting new chapter of its mission as it climbs a Martian mountain.
Curiosity has driven nearly 18 miles (29 kilometers) and ascended 2,050 feet (625 meters) as it explores Gale Crater and the foothills of Mount Sharp within it. The rover has analyzed 41 rock and soil samples, relying on a suite of science instruments to learn what they reveal about Earth’s rocky sibling. And it’s pushed a team of engineers to devise ways to minimize wear and tear and keep the rover rolling: In fact, Curiosity’s mission was recently extended for another three years, allowing it to continue among NASA’s fleet of important astrobiological missions. […]
“As soon as you land on Mars, everything you do is based on the fact that there’s no one around to repair it for 100 million miles,” said Andy Mishkin, Curiosity’s acting project manager at JPL. “It’s all about making intelligent use of what’s already on your rover.” […] Through careful planning and engineering hacks, the team has every expectation the plucky rover still has years of exploring to ahead of it.
See pics and other goodies here. One day, long after we're gone, a rover from some distant galaxy will land here and probe our own history of Earth's changing environmental conditions and conclude that intelligent life never could've lived here. But they'll deem the horny dumbshit parasites with opposable thumbs who walked on two legs and destroyed their own civilization "fascinating."
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I believe that Bill in Portland Maine has made a concerted effort over time to politicize the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. I thought that I could change that. I’ve come to the realization that I cannot."
—Gen. Mark Milley
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