A Dark and Stormy Night in the Kiddie Pool
It's a highlight of my year—sinking into a Victorian wingback with a frosty beverage and basking in the brilliant badness of the winning entries in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, named after Edward “It was a dark and stormy night” Bulwar-Lytton as "a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." The Class of 2022 (out of five-thousand entries) has been unveiled by the English department at San Jose State University. Here’s a few:
And so the two pachyderms with the same first name discovered each other, and they became the jazz duo legend known as the Elephants Gerald.
—B. Guernsey, Virginia (Grand Panjandrum's Special Award)
Continued...
Prior to his CNN career, Wolf Blitzer slummed the gossip magazines, once inquiring of Hugh Grant’s then-wife, Liz Hurley, why he had never been in a film with Virginia Madsen, to which she replied, “Hugh’s afraid of Virginia, Wolf.”
—P. Bjorkman, California (Vile Puns)
As the fearsome jabberwock bore down on Baldor the Unlikely, he suddenly regretted having passed on the vorpal sword in favor of the “verpul” sword that was half the price and “practically the exact same thing, I swear you won’t even notice the difference.”
—James Avery, Tennessee (Children’s & Young Adult Literature)
While scrolling through the online catalog of the Acme website trying to decide if he should order rocket roller skates, TNT, and an anvil, or—Fool-Me-Twice fake tunnel paint, the Coyote suddenly realized, ‘Hey, I could just order food.’
—R. Hamilton, Oregon (Odious Outliers)
As the hot air balloon ascended into the calm morning air over his native Bavaria, Stefan's nerves were on edge as he reached into his jacket pocket and fumbled for the little velvet box containing his grandmother's wedding ring, cleared his throat, and dropped to one knee in front of his beloved Gwendolyn; meanwhile, our story begins on a cold, rainy day at a pig farm near Belgrade, Nebraska.
—J. Green, Texas (Purple Prose)
"Greetings," said the aliens, who looked—in a preemptive budgetary consideration for the future Netflix series adaptation—surprisingly like attractive twenty-something humans wearing coloured contact lenses and spandex.
—M. Birch, Australia (Science Fiction)
You can read the full list, including the grand prize winner, right here at this dark and stormy link. Preferably while a dog barks in the distance.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 2, 2022
Note: Just a heads-up—there will be no C&J on Labor Day, so you'll have to cobble your own together out of Spam, discarded top-secret documents, and tinfoil. Please submit complaints to the proper authorities. Or just think them in your head and the NSA will transmit them to the proper authorities free of charge. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til autumn: 20
Days 'til the Farm-to-Fork Festival in Sacramento, California: 6
Estimated percent by which international shipping costs have fallen, thanks to the Ocean Shipping Reform Act: 45%
The Conference Board's Consumer Confidence Index for August, following three consecutive monthly declines and up from 95.3 in July: 103.2
Percent of Americans polled by Gallup who call the Afghanistan War a mistake a year after we pulled our last troops out: 50%
Average gas price in Maine, the first time it's been below $4 since March: $3.98
Percent of Americans who say they plan to BBQ this weekend: 61%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to the workin' stiffs. Monday is Labor Day, and the fine folks at Vox got all you barge-toters and bale-lifters something nice to mark the occasion: charts! Four of them, in fact, that suggest the labor movement is back on the march and poised to make a comeback. The upshot:
Workers are organizing at some of the most well-known companies in America and in industries previously thought un-unionizable. They’re also doing so against the tide of a decades-long decline in union membership, which led to eviscerated benefits and wages that haven’t kept pace with the cost of living.
Lately, the news has been filled with stories of everyone from baristas to warehouse workers voting for unions and bargaining for contracts—a trend that makes it look like unions are at last on the rise again.
Indeed, a series of recent data suggests that these union gains are more than just headlines. From election wins to collective actions,2022 has so far been a great year for unions. In the first half of the year, unions won 641 elections—the most in nearly 20 years, according to data from Bloomberg Law, which analyzes National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) data.
And to all the right-wing crabbypantses who deride unions but belong to them anyway and love the benefits they get from them (though they’ll never admit it): you're welcome.
CHEERS to this week's four sweetest words in the English language: Sarah Palin lost again. Yes, our country dodged another bullet as ranked-choice voting put her Democratic challenger over the top in the special election to replace the late congressman Don Young. And what a win! Not only was the result a direct rebuke of Donald Trump's endorsement power, the winning woman is making all kinds of history:
Democrat Mary Peltola is the winner of Alaska’s special U.S. House race and is set to become the first Alaska Native in Congress, after votes were tabulated Wednesday in the state’s first ranked choice election. … Peltola, a Yup’ik former state lawmaker who calls Bethel home, is now slated to be the first woman to hold Alaska’s lone U.S. House seat.
Peltola would be the first Democrat to join Alaska’s three-person congressional delegation since U.S. Sen. Mark Begich lost reelection in 2014. And she defeated two Republicans to do so.
The bad news: it's just a three-month gig—Petola has to run again in November for a full two-year term. The good news: it looks like it'll be an exact replay of Wednesday's result, with Republicans Palin and Nick Begich hammering away at each other again. May the best sitting Native Alaskan Congresswoman win.
CHEERS to happy endings. When I was a kid I used to think that this joke I thought up was hilarious:
Q: How long did World War II last?
A: One day. It started on September 1 and ended on September 2.
[Pees pants from laughing so hard]
Anyway...77 years ago today, President Harry Truman proclaimed September 2, 1945 as Victory Over Japan Day, ending World War II. But Truman refused to fly onto the deck of an aircraft carrier and deliver the news under a "Mission Accomplished" banner. His exact words, if I recall correctly: "Only an idiot would do that."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the happiest ending...evuh! On September 3, 1783, our War of Independence ended when a treaty was signed by Great Britain and the United States:
It was signed in Paris by Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and John Jay.
Under the terms of the treaty, Britain recognized the independent nation of the United States of America.
Britain agreed to remove all of its troops from the new nation. The treaty also set new borders for the United States, including all land from the Great Lakes on the north to Florida on the south, and from the Atlantic Ocean to the Mississippi River. ...The United States also agreed not to persecute loyalists still in America and allow those that left America to return.
Afterward, the founding fathers got together in a circle, held hands, and recited the Pledge of Allegiance. And then Jesus rode in on a dinosaur with news he had just finished digging the Grand Canyon. The things you learn on Conservapedia these days…
CHEERS to home vegetation. Now that September is here and Maine is snowed in until next June (18 inches last night), the TV is in complete control of our lives.
Unfortunately there's not much on this weekend, now that the 24-hour Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon has been ripped from the fabric of society like a strip of cheap Velcro. (When I worked at a Saginaw, Michigan radio station in the late 80s, we always volunteered to helm the MDA phones at night, and it was a little eerie doing it in a huge empty mall at 2am. They sprung for some good chow, though. But the zombies were obnoxious.)
The most popular movies and streamers home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. You can check out the WNBA schedule here, while the baseball lineup is here, starring the Boston Red Sox who have won so many World Series that everyone has lost count, believe me.
On 60 Minutes: reports on how Covid-19 affects the mental health of kids, kickers in professional football, and an architecture firm dedicated to serving society. Other than that, the TV sphere is a barren wasteland and if you choose to wade into it, may god help you.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: FEMA Director Deanne Criswell; Senator and all-around goddess Patty Murray (D-WA).
This Week: White House Senior Adviser for Public Engagement Keisha Lance Bottoms; Rep. Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX), Jackson, Mississippi Mayor Chokwe Antar Lumumba on the water crisis that Republicans caused; Robert Wood Johnson Foundation President and former acting CDC director Dr. Richard Besser.
Face the Nation: House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-CA); Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson (D); former Gov. Deval Patrick (D-MA); expert on right-wing hate and extremism Jared Holt; Head of the German Marshall Fund's Digital Innovation and Democracy Initiative Karen Kornbluh.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Governor Phil Murphy (D-NJ); DCCC chair Rep. Sean Patrick Maloney (D-NY) and NRCC chair Rep. Tom Emmer (The Cult-MN).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 2, 2012
CHEERS to the highlight of the weekend. Here in Maine, medicinal marijuana is legal, and tomorrow there's going to be little get-together in Deering Oaks park called Atlantic CannaFEST. It's pretty cool—there's been no pushback from city residents and the police say they're not going to do anything out of the ordinary during it. People planning to go will find it pretty easily. Just look for the area of the park where the food vendors outnumber attendees two-to-one.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to cool science. When all the death, doom and destruction get to be too much, there's always one place I can count on to restore my faith in humanity. I'm speaking of course about Dairy Queen. But when they're closed the next-best place is, of course, NASA, a jewel in the federal government's crown and an agency worth every tax dollar we send its way. If you happen to live under a sky, here's a preview of what you'll be seeing this month, courtesy of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory:
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Remember this important lesson: In space nobody can hear you scream. So make sure your texting device is fully charged so you can successfully type Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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