The fact that Kyle Rittenhouse has become a right-wing folk hero is all you need to know about the modern conservative movement. As mascots go, he’s somewhat wanting. Yes, he’s even worse than this uncommonly creepy shrimp-man mascot, who looks unnervingly like the vestigial twin who’s constantly trying to get you to buy Bitcoin—not the one who keeps you up all hours of the night screaming for Chile Picante Corn Nuts. That dude suuuuucks.
You may remember Rittenhouse from that time he traveled to another state where folks were demonstrating against police violence, armed himself with an AR-15-style rifle, totally panicked, and shot three protesters, killing two of them. And then demanded his gun back after his trial. Hey, Sammy the Shrimp may look like one of Randy Quaid’s less-winsome anthropomorphic skin tags, but at least he hasn’t killed anyone. That we know of.
Well, Rittenhouse was scheduled to appear at an event at a Conroe, Texas, brewery later this month, but after the business learned of Killius the Bilious’ involvement, it canceled the engagement. Needless to say, that didn’t sit well with the pro-gun random, indiscriminate slaughter crowd.
The Texas Tribune:
A Conroe brewery says it’s been inundated with harassment and some threats after announcing Friday that it would no longer allow a “rally against censorship” featuring Kyle Rittenhouse to be held there later this month.
“It’s been kind of a shitstorm,” Southern Star Brewery CEO Dave Fougeron said in a Saturday morning interview. “But now I’m more certain than ever that I made the right decision.”
Fougeron also said that he was not aware until a few days ago that the event’s “special guest” was Rittenhouse. And he disputed claims – including those from Rittenhouse and others – that the cancellation came after pressure from a “woke mob” or distributors such as H-E-B.
Yeah, it’s always the woke mob that objects to needlessly glorifying 100% preventable death. Weird how that works. Of course, you can’t call what Rittenhouse did murder because he was acquitted of that. Maybe “elective slaughter” would be more accurate? Sure, let’s go with that.
Fougeron noted that his brewery strives to be a place that’s welcome to people of all political stripes, but the Rittenhouse event went too far.
“Our place is super inclusive,” he said. “We are super pro-veteran, super pro-law enforcement. We’re trying to be good people in the community. We’re friends with our firefighters, with our police department. ... We have a lot of gay patrons who come in because it’s a place of inclusivity. It’s crazy that we’re getting threats from people.”
Is it, though? I mean, have you seen these goobers?
Needless to say, Rittenhouse was horribly put out by the cancelation.
“It’s really disappointing to see that places continue to censor me and not allow my voice and many other voices to be heard because they bend to the woke crowd,” Rittenhouse—who, again, traveled across state lines, killed two strangers at a protest, and is known for literally nothing else—said of Southern Star Brewery’s “woke” decision to cancel his event.
“Hi! I’m Sammy the Shrimp! Don’t stare into my eyes unless you want to hear the tormented screams of billions of forlorn souls and see through time to the heat death of the universe! Go team!”
A spokesperson for the event told The Texas Tribune that they would “definitely” find a new venue. The event was also scheduled to include a speaker from TEXIT, a group that wants Texas to secede from the union even more than the rest of us do. (Just kidding, Texas progressives! Please, stay where you are. We’re still hoping Texas turns blue sometime before Ted Cruz does.)
Don’t worry, Kyle. Your 15 minutes aren’t up just yet. But for once you might want to focus on polishing your résumé instead of your guns. And if you can, bump the bit about randomly killing two people to the second page. That’s not really a “skill,” per se.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.