Donald Trump is a colossal loser. On a cosmic time scale, we all lose everything in the end, of course. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust and all that. But some people, like our erstwhile presidential cosplayer, like to get a huge head start. Trump has gone from ashes to mango pulp to pancake makeup to Funyuns dust in a nearly infinite cycle of dependent origination that inevitably culminated in his pretending to win his own golf tournament last weekend.
Yes, it’s true. The guy who was too emotionally fragile to admit he lost a presidential election is also too small and weak-minded to admit some lowly pleb could have beaten him at golf. So he did what he always does: He cheated.
The Palm Beach Post:
Trump announced on his social media platform on Tuesday that he won the Senior Club Championship at Trump International Golf Club in unincorporated West Palm Beach last weekend, despite not playing the first round of the tournament.
Members arrived the second day surprised to see Trump with a five-point lead, according to the Daily Mail. But Trump never played the first round as he was attending a funeral in North Carolina of ardent supporter Lynette Hardaway, known by the moniker “Diamond” of the conservative political commentary duo Diamond and Silk.
Trump told tournament organizers he played a strong round on the course Thursday, two days before the tournament started, and decided that would count as his Saturday score for the club championship. That score was five points better than any competitor posted during Saturday's first round.
Hmm, I thought it seemed weird that Trump attended the funeral of a fellow human being even though the pastor wasn’t handing out stuffed-crust pizzas and Pepsi in lieu of communion.
Oh, wait. Never mind. He literally used his eulogy to complain about the 2020 election.
RELATED: Don’t miss Wanda Sykes’ brutal takedown of Trump’s eulogy at Diamond’s funeral
Yeah, that tracks.
None of this should surprise us. This is a guy who draws fake hurricane paths on maps to cleverly hoodwink us into believing he’s never wrong. He claims he nearly finished building a border wall that was barely started during his tenure. He pretended he got more popular votes than Hillary Clinton—in an election he nominally won. Why wouldn’t he cheat at golf? Of course he would—which is why one of the nation’s top sportswriters wrote an entire book about Donald Trump, uh, cheating at golf.
From the summary of former Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly’s book Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump:
Donald Trump loves golf. He loves to play it, buy it, build it, and operate it. He owns 14 courses around the world and runs another five, all of which he insists are the best on the planet. He also claims he’s a 3 handicap, almost never loses, and has won an astonishing 18 club championships.
How much of all that is true? Almost none of it, acclaimed sportswriter Rick Reilly reveals in this unsparing look at Trump in the world of golf.
Based on Reilly's own experiences with Trump as well as interviews with over 100 golf pros, amateurs, developers, and caddies, Commander in Cheat is a startling and at times hilarious indictment of Trump and his golf game. You'll learn how Trump cheats (sometimes with the help of his caddies and Secret Service agents), lies about his scores (the "Trump Bump"), tells whoppers about the rank of his courses and their worth (declaring that every one of them is worth $50 million), and tramples the etiquette of the game (driving on greens doesn't help). Trump doesn't brag so much, though, about the golf contractors he stiffs, the course neighbors he intimidates, or the way his golf decisions wind up infecting his political ones.
Of course, Trump’s announcement about his big “win” is nearly as delusional as his years-long campaign to convince an indifferent universe that he’s a big winner who really and for true beat Joe Biden in the 2020 election. ‘Twas on his flailing social disease platform Truth Social—which he may be fixing to abandon in a fallow winter cornfield like he should have done with Eric that one time—that Trump announced his fake triumph to followers who would never dig deeper, noting that he
“Competed against many fine golfers and was hitting the ball long and straight. The reason that I announce this on fabulous TRUTH is that, in a very real way, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher. You need strength and stamina to WIN, & I have strength & stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”
Yeah, stamina’s great. Adderall works, too. Until it doesn’t.
Ah, to have absolutely no self-awareness or shame. How easy life could be. If you lose at anything, ever, you can just pretend you didn’t. After all, that’s how you learn life’s most important lessons—by pretending you can never, and have never, done anything wrong, ever.
That’s when you know you’re winning at life.
So to help our disgraced ex-45 in his ongoing quest to become a real boy, I suggest Americans greet him with this jaunty little tune whenever and wherever he dares to show his goobery, coup-conniving face.
Sung to the tune of “Hitler Has Only Got One Ball”:
Donald, he only got one term
Dubya, had two that made us squirm
Senior’s tenure was leaner
And poor old Nixon was violently spurned
Of course, the chorus from 2016’s “FDT” is also quite catchy, and unlike my lyrics, this song encourages people to vote against the orange menace—which we’ll all need to do again in 2024.
In other words, Donald Trump is a huge, huge loser. An all-timer. Let’s write folk tales (and more songs) about him.
RIP, Nipsey Hussle.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.