Here’s a new strategy for Kevin McCarthy as he gradually realizes he should have spent the past 15 years working on the world’s largest ball of twine instead of trying to be speaker of the House: He should just say he won and is already speaker! Italian satellites have downlinked to Matt Gaetz’s head and are forcing him to do weird things. A loose, feral panda ate a shipment of bamboo ballots and has been crapping out counterfeit Boebert brains like watermelon Pez.
Dude! Just say you won! After all, mouth-frothing delusion is the Republican way.
Enter Kari Lake, the answer to a question no one has asked for almost two months now. Her Arizona gubernatorial bid ended in mid-November, but she’s persisted in her delusions with a Trumpian tenacity that would be simply adorable coming from a 6-year-old. The difference being that a 6-year-old would eventually move on to more productive endeavors, like eating random wads of Play-Doh and refusing to climb into the back of Ted Cruz’s windowless white van.
But Lake has shown no such maturity, and as the actual Arizona governor-elect, Katie Hobbs, prepared to be inaugurated on Thursday, Lake was once again raging against the dying of the filtered light.
On the right-wing network Real America’s Voice, which is essentially what Fox News would be if they wore their Hitler Underoos on the outside of their pants, Lake confidently asserted that she was the “duly elected governor” of Arizona. Because why the fuck not, huh?
LAKE: “It gets worse, I mean, with President Trump they did this in the middle of the night, and our movement was so big and so powerful that they couldn’t just do this in the middle of the night. They had to pull out all the stops and do this in broad daylight so everyone saw it. The way we get it changed is we get the real governor, the duly elected governor, myself in there to work with lawmakers to change our laws, put some teeth into the laws, and frankly we need to recall every one of the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors.”
Okay then! Guess “duly elected governor” means something different these days. Wait! I see it now: D
elu sionally elected governor. Whew! I thought I’d lost all touch with reality for a moment.
Of course, not only is Lake not the duly elected governor of Arizona, she’s been rebuked by the courts for being a public nuisance. A judge threw out her lawsuit challenging the election and ordered her to pay Hobbs more than $33,000 in legal fees.
Who knows where Lake goes now, other than the very bottom of the dustbin of history? Or maybe she can find a little nook to nest in at Mar-a-Lago, where she can be tasked with guarding stolen nuclear documents like a super-upbeat bridge troll.
I mean, anything is better than this, right?
Lord, send me a woman who looks at me the way Kari looks at Trump’s sweaty neck wattle. I won’t date her, of course (I’m spoken for), but the ego boost would be nice in the roughly 16 seconds we’d have together before it got uncomfortably creepy.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.