It is with a heavy heart that I bear ill tidings. Having been conned by Big Pharma into
microchipping stamping ourselves with the sign of the devil injecting ourselves with a dormant mutant virus, the government will now turn us into zombies tomorrow for reasons.
Amazing the beautiful things that can happen when anti-vaccine conspiracy theories merge with 5G conspiracy theories, huh?
This isn’t an isolated tweet but a far-ranging conspiracy theory landing as the top item in this weekend’s Associated Press roundup of the biggest fake news of the week. The details:
Next month’s test of the nationwide Emergency Alert System uses the same familiar audio tone that’s been in use since the 1960s to broadcast warnings across the country with no known adverse health effects, according to a spokesperson for the Federal Emergency Management Agency, which is overseeing the test. The claims about nanoparticles revive long-debunked conspiracy theories about the contents of COVID-19 vaccines, experts say. Nevertheless, social media users are imploring their followers to shut off their cellphones on the day of the test because they believe it’s part of a broader conspiracy to exert control over the population.
One popular video shows a woman claiming the test will somehow switch on technology that has been introduced into people’s bodies. “The emergency broadcasting system under FEMA is going to be activated,” the woman explains, speaking directly into the camera. “It’s not a test. It’s going to be sending these high frequency signals into cell phones, radios, TVs. The intention of activating nanoparticles, including graphene oxide.” Stanley Perlman, professor of microbiology and immunology at the University of Iowa in Iowa City, said the claims appear to be referring to old myths about the contents of COVID vaccines. These baseless conspiracy theories claim — without evidence — that the vaccines contain various materials, such as graphene oxide or other nanoparticles, that can interact with wireless communications technology and allow governments to control and monitor people. But graphene oxide — a material made by oxidizing graphite — isn’t an ingredient in COVID vaccines, notes Matthew Laurens, a pediatric infectious disease specialist with the Center for Vaccine Development and Global Health at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.
Now you can’t expect these wackos to get their stories straight. The AP’s reading of the conspiracy theory mentions “high frequency signals … activating nanoparticles, including graphene oxide.” The tweet above has 5G signals activating the “Marburg virus” (related to ebola), which has otherwise laid dormant inside us ever since we vaccinated. The version the AP reported on doesn’t include consequences of the activation, but the tweet above says we’ll turn into zombies.
But that’s conspiracy theories for you! It’s a choose-your-own-adventure storyline. There’s probably a version out there in which we turn into lizard people, or maybe it’s the lizard people activating the 5G? Who knows, who cares! All that matters is that someone “did their own research.”
As BBC journalist Shayan Sardarizadeh notes, the Brits had their own version of the conspiracy back in April, when their own emergency-alert system underwent a similar test.
Clearly, given the lack of reports of mass zombification of the British people back in the spring, the only possible conclusion we can draw is that the DEEP-STATE MEDIA suppressed that information, ensuring the sheeple didn’t catch wind of their dastardly plan and its disastrous consequences. Do some research and I’m sure you’ll find that all the zombies were shipped off to the Isle of Man or maybe even Diego Garcia.
Of course, there’s also the possibility that, uh, no one turned into zombies. But … naaaah. Their sources are always so impeccable, like when they claimed this exact thing would happen—checking my notes—last October!
I have a theory. You might even say it’s … a conspiracy.
You see, everyone knows that zombies aren’t made from people who are alive. They have to die first! But clearly, the DEEP STATE didn’t do its research. So when they built the zombifying virus, they missed that crucial piece of the puzzle. So given that anyone who answers their 5G phone is inherently alive, they can’t turn into zombies.
Phew, we’ve been saved by a simple bureaucratic oversight! Let us thank our lucky stars that no matter how dastardly the DEEP STATE might be, they will never be as smart as the geniuses crafting their tin-foil hats.
Editor’s note: Headline updated after no zombies materialized.
Related Onion headline: 54-Year-Old Facebook User Wins Nobel Prize For Own Extensive Internet Research Into Dangers Of Covid Vaccine
We stopped the Ohio GOP in August by writing 68,555 get-out-the-vote letters with Vote Forward to boost Democratic turnout. Now, we need your help in Virginia this fall by writing more letters. Click to sign up or log into your Vote Forward account.