A Message to The American People
Dear The American People,
With Thanksgiving at our doorstep, we want you to know that we sympathize with your concerns about inflation, crime, gas prices, zombie caravans from Central America, the lack of Jesus on Starbucks CHRISTmas cups, the budget deficit, liberal media bias, stolen elections, affirmative action, and drag-queen story hour.
We vow, in these perilous times, to continue doing what you’ve come to expect from us on these pressing issues: namely, letting the Democrats handle them as we snipe and call them names from the sidelines. They get what they want—responsible governance. And we get what we want—the time we need to be lazy, corrupt, incompetent and rude.
So if you have a problem this Thanksgiving week, take it to the Democrats. They’ll be thankful you asked, and so will you. As for us, we’ll be out in the streets brawling among ourselves, on TV backpedaling on all the things we promise but don’t know how to deliver, and in our man caves watching porn on devices our kids can’t monitor.
God Bless Russia America,
The Republican House Majority
Fix the potholes!
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, November 20, 2023
Note: First Lady Rosalynn Carter died yesterday afternoon at 96—77 of those years married to Jimmy. What a life. What a lady. What a legacy. All our fondest thoughts are being sent today in the direction of Plains, Georgia. Because, at the moment, we have no words.
-
12 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til winter: 31
Days `til the Valley Forge Beer & Cider Festival: 12
Initial unemployment claims announced last week, up from the previous week but still the lowest in 50 years: 231,000
Average number of newspapers that closed each week during 2023, versus 2 a week in 2022: 2.5
Price of a dozen eggs a year ago: $3.42
Price of a dozen eggs now: $2.07
Estimated number of pumpkin pies served on Thanksgiving: 50 million
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Mondays be like…
-
CHEERS to short workweeks. Only three days for most Americans this week—hopefully you're among them. Then it's Thanksgiving among the vaccinated with turkey, gravy, spuds, pumpkin pie, and a whole lotta nothin' else. Except, of course, our usual 14 hours of daily blogging. ("Pass the stuffing, dear. And the screen shammy...")
CHEERS to order in the courts. Before holiday fever consumes all the judges and they take off for vacation (I can’t wait to hear what opulence Harlan Crow has in store for Clarence Thomas), let's take a quick spin around the Judicialverse and note a few rulings that have tongues a' wagging:
Trump is an Enemy of the State A Colorado judge ruled, oddly, that the 45th president and mastermind behind the January 6, 2021 coup attempt is, in point of fact, an actual insurrectionist, but he's free to be on the ballot to become president again.
Busy times for these hammer-like devices.
Voting Rights In a victory for Native voters, a federal court struck down North Dakota's congressional district maps, finding that Republicans violated Section 2 of the Voting Rights Act. The maps need to be redrawn...fairly this time.
Drag Queens Beating Ron DeSantis's Ass Thanks to an assist by—you can't make this stuff up—Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett, the Supreme Court canceled the Florida governor's ban on drag shows.
Judge Judy: The plaintiff was awarded $250 after the defendant botched the installation of a new garage door opener, then ran off with the plaintiff's wife in a car without insurance, got in a fender-bender, but still managed to drive home and trim the neighbor’s overhanging branches way past the property line.
And with that, we're adjourned.
CHEERS to today's international roundup. This is Bill in Portland Maine at the local desk and now let's toss it over to my colleague Bill in Portland Maine at the international desk. Thanks, Bill. In Gaza, thinks are pretty shitty. Syria remains shitty, as does Russia, Ukraine, and the now apocalyptic, battle-scarred wasteland known as Sudan. Germany's doing okay. Iceland is a giant volcano waiting to erupt. Britain is having a bit of trouble drowning their economy in the bathtub. Hungary? Shitty. Chechnya? Shitty. North Korea? Shitty shit shit. France is…France. South America has too many people running around topless, and now Argentina has a chainsaw-wielding Elon Musk clone as president. Australia is traveling in a fried-out Kombi. But New Zealand is running on all cylinders and shaking their heads as they watch the rest of us circle the drain. Back to you, Bill. Thanks Bill. We'll be right back with Bill in Portland Maine at the sports desk after this pause to sell you Medicare Advantage plans, reverse mortgages, happy focus-group-tested PR messages from Big Oil, and a gizmo that has no practical function but you can get two for only ten bucks at Walgreens for a limited time only.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to spinning in circles. On this date in 1877, Thomas Edison announced to the world that he had invented the phonograph machine. True story: he broke the news via a phonograph recording, which sounded like this:
"Hello, is this thing on? Testes...testes...one two three.
Edison's device. Today we record stuff with our phones, which would blow the minds of Edison and especially Alexander Graham Bell.
We begin bombing the Russians in 30 minutes. Ha ha! That always cracks 'em up at the Elks Lodge. But seriously, folks. Mary had a little lamb—her parents were mortified.
I just can't help myself... You folks fly in from out of town? I bet your arms are tired! I slay me... Oh, by the way, the walrus will be Paul and Luke will be Vader's kid. Oops…'Spoiler alert!'
I'm bored. Can I go home and invent the light bulb now?"
Only known cure for Restless Inventor Syndrome, according to doctors: take two patent applications and call me in the morning.
CHEERS to the scrapper from Scranton. Speaking of the Big Guy, Happy Birthday (and many blessings on your camels) to America's 46th President, whose way with words—intentional and otherwise—is a thing to behold:
"There's only three things [Rudy Giuliani] mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb and 9/11."
Happy Birthday, Joe!
“The only thing I know is I ain't changing my brand. I know what I believe. I'm confident in what I know. And I'm gonna say it. And if folks like it, wonderful. If they don't like it, I understand.”
"You ever been to a caucus? No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier."
“Don't tell me what you value—show me your budget and I'll tell you what you value.”
“My dad used to have an expression: 'It’s the lucky person who gets up in the morning, puts both feet on the floor, knows what they are about to do, and thinks it still matters.'”
And the best thing anyone ever said to Donald Trump's face, and boy do I envy Joe for being the one to do it:
“Will you shut up, man?"
A couple years ago he shut him up real good, with a little help from 80 million of his friends. Joe turns 81 today—and that's no malarkey. But it is a BFD.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: November 20, 2013
JEERS to a city gone Loonie. My god, what's happening to you gentle souls up there in Canada, eh? One day you're the planet's role models of Molson-fueled civility, and the next you're electing a thick-necked, foul-mouthed, crack-smoking stick of dynamite as mayor of your largest city. And your solution? Why, light the fuse, of course…
Toronto's City Council voted Monday to strip embattled Mayor Rob Ford of most of his powers after a tumultuous meeting in which Ford vowed "outright war" in response. … "If you think American-style politics is nasty, you guys have just attacked Kuwait," he said to groans and laughter in the council chambers. "And you will never see something—mark my words, my friends, this is going to be outright war in the next election, and I am going to do everything in my power to beat you guys."
Then Ford grabbed a council woman, scaled CN Tower and started swatting at planes. Off in the distance, Ted Cruz watched it all through his binoculars. And took notes. Lots and lots of notes. [11/20/23 Update: Ford died in 2016. Thus explaining why all’s quiet on the northern front.]
-
And just one more…
JEERS to getting canceled. I almost missed the message because it went to my spam folder. But it’s genuine...and, as it turns out, a mighty blow to my media empire:
Hi Bill in Portland Maine,
This email address has a legacy Blogger account associated with it that hasn’t logged in since 2007. In 60 days it will lose access to the account and associated content; the data will be permanently deleted unless migrated to the Google Account system at Legacy migration page.
The Blogger team
I checked it out and, sure enough, a generation ago—in 2005, actually—I opened a Blogger account with dreams of conquering the internet. But it didn’t last long—the siren song of Daily Kos was just too powerful. But before I called it quits I did manage to post two massive manifestos for historians and scholars to pore over long after my demise:
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2005
Testing one two three
This sucks!! Blogging is hard work!! Too hard!! I'm going back to Daily Kos!! Heh heh...I just farted.
POSTED BY BILL IN PORTLAND MAINE AT 10:45 AM 0 COMMENTS
Yucky blog
Good god, I've had it. I'm going back to Kos.
POSTED BY BILL IN PORTLAND MAINE AT 2:35 PM 4 COMMENTS
Enjoy them while you can. Sometime in mid-January, my Blogger legacy will be sent to Switzerland, tossed into the Large Hadron Collider, and smashed to bits...nothing more than random pixels condemned to flit aimlessly along the winds of the universe. With the occasional pixel fart. Sorry. Can’t be helped.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"The idea that somebody like Bill in Portland Maine, who, you know, has like the IQ of a turnip, is so influential is kind of terrifying."
—Mary Trump
-
