As everyone knows, Donald Trump abhors any and all forms of censorship … that are directed at him. He should be allowed to goad as many zip tie-toting troglodytes into attacking the foundations of U.S. democracy as he likes, and social media companies like Twitter and Facebook just need to accept it. But if Saturday Night Live wants to lampoon him (as they’ve done to every other president since 1975), or The Washington Post wants to publish factual articles about him, or members of China’s persecuted Uygher minority want to blink subversive Morse code messages to each other inside the brutally oppressive detention camps Trump has heartily endorsed, his concern for free speech magically melts away.
So when we discovered that Trump improperly pressured Disney, a private company, to muzzle one of its employees because he didn't like what the insolent serf was saying, the irony was impossible to miss. (Come to think of it, “improperly” could be used to modify essentially any Trump-connected verb. “Donald Trump improperly leaned on the Walt Disney Co.” “Donald Trump improperly endorsed Chinese ethnic cleansing.” “Donald Trump improperly licked the Hardee’s Hot Ham ‘n’ Cheese detritus off Chris Christie’s chin like a face-hugging alien xenomorph.”)
Okay, so some examples are better than others.
On Monday, Jimmy Kimmel, the object of Trump’s lukewarm wrath, got wind of the big guy’s fit of pique and opted to make an early booking for the gala opening weekend of the Trump Las Vegas Gulag & Casino. And, hoo-boy, was it fun.
“I had like 80 texts when I woke up sending me this article from Rolling Stone,” said Kimmel. “It says, ‘Trump White House pressured Disney to censor Jimmy Kimmel.’ Now, Disney is the company that owns ABC, our network, and Jimmy Kimmel is me, so obviously I was interested in seeing what it was. But according to the story, in 2018, Donald Trump, who was at that time president of the United States, was so upset about my jokes that I made about him, he directed his staffers at the White House to call Disney to tell them to rein me in.”
Well, that’s shockingly corrupt, huh? In other words, par for the course … that Donald Trump habitually cheats on. But Kimmel was just getting warmed up. “The report says at least two calls were made from the Trump White House to, quote, ‘convey the president’s anger regarding Kimmel’s monologues and jabs.’ In other words, President Karen demanded to speak to my manager. And you’d think the guy who fathered Eric and Don Jr. would know how to handle jokes, but I guess not.”
Kimmel then wonders what it was that sparked Trump’s ire. Was it the time he invited Stormy Daniels on the air to pick out the tiny carrot that most resembled Trump’s preternaturally moist Mar-a-Lago member? Or maybe it was one of the dozens of biting nicknames Kimmel has used to describe him?
Kimmel then pointed out that Trump has one of the unmistakable earmarks of a lifelong bully: He’s unremittingly vicious toward others but squeals like a tender, callow piglet the moment anyone hits back. “All he does is make fun of people. He makes fun of disabled journalists. … He calls our veterans—prisoners of war, even—losers. He insults his opponents, his friends, his family. But if I point out that he’s so fat they renamed the plane Air Force Wonder Bread, I’m the bad guy? You know what, maybe this is why Donald and Melania sleep in separate bedrooms. She was laughing too hard at my monologue at night.”
Of course, as silly as Trump’s temper tantrum was, the fact that he was somehow the president of the United States at the time meant it was far from a joking matter. And for a moment Kimmel turned (somewhat) serious.
“But really, joking aside, this is a blatant abuse of power. I wonder if Fox News—you know, they’re always screaming about censoring comedians. Will they defend me on this? I doubt it. We have a First Amendment right that Americans a hell of a lot braver than Donald Trump died for, and it’s especially hypocritical coming from someone who claims to be the bigliest anti-censorship defender of free speech.”
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Then Kimmel ran a montage of Trump defending our sacrosanct right to free speech, which in Trump’s mind simply means having the inalienable right to incite insurrections and make LGBTQ kids feel awful about themselves. You know, like in the good old days.
Free speech is a cause célèbre among conservatives these days, but they’re either being willfully obtuse about what the First Amendment does and means or they really are this ignorant. (And, yes, both things can be true.) As any serious person knows, the First Amendment applies to government intruding on speech (i.e., what Trump was trying to do to Kimmel and Disney) and very clearly doesn’t protect people who make racist, misogynistic, or transphobic comments from being publicly shamed or bounced off private forums.
But hey, since when have Republicans ever been consistent—or honest—when it comes to anything?
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.