"Nine of the 10 people that we've identified, that have very good knowledge with respect to the Bidens, they're—they're one of three things, Maria. They're either currently in court, they're currently in jail, or they're currently missing."
— Republican House Oversight Committee chair Rep. James Comer to Fox News conspiracy host Maria Bartiromo
I want to thank the press for coming here today. Today, after months of investigation, the House Oversight Committee is pleased to announce that we have found 10 individuals with very good knowledge of Joe Biden committing various and very shocking crimes. These 10 witnesses will finally blow the lid off of the Biden family's long-standing crime spree, which includes crimes, each of them more shocking than the other.
We will now introduce our witnesses. Unfortunately, our first planned witness is in prison for wire fraud, so that witness is unable to attend at this time. Our second two witnesses, who have evidence even more compelling than the first witnesses, also cannot attend today because they are currently incarcerated for transporting endangered prairie dogs across state lines for the purposes of gambling.
Our fourth witness, however, is among the most credible informants any of us here on the House Oversight Committee have ever heard from. We are not able to locate that witness at this time, and I would like to remind the press at this point that witnesses of this high caliber are often in the spy business, and it is possible that the witness is missing because he is under deep cover, possibly in Paraguay or one of those other Asian nations, uncovering even better evidence than he would have provided you today had we been able to find him.
So that's a good thing, not a bad thing, and I am sure we will find our informant within the due course of time. If we cannot find the informant, it may be because the Joe Biden family's connections to the international assassins who advertise their services using codewords printed in the "Looking for Love" section of the Kansas City Courier Herald Digest were simply so skilled in ranged combat that our informant has, unfortunately, died.
Our fifth scheduled witness today is Mr. I.P. Freely, of Butt City, Kansas. Mr. Freely's deep online biography, which we have printed out copies of for the convenience of the press, highlights his service in the Squirrel War of 1862, and his heroic acts were rewarded with five Belgian Medals of Honor. Mr. Freely's testimony will prove, without a doubt, that Hunter Biden once painted a picture of a dog, a Labrador retriever by the name of Mr. Spunky, who serves as consigliere in the New Jersey-based ButtyButtButt crime family.
Unfortunately Mr. Freely informed us by email earlier today that he would not be able to attend at this time, as he is currently in the hospital for Severe Butt Syndrome. We wish Mr. Freely good health and he has promised to contact us after he has been released by his doctors.
Witnesses six and seven are unfortunately unable to attend today because they were scheduled to appear in court on federal drug trafficking charges.
Witness eight, we have now learned, is currently fleeing process servers.
Our ninth witness is Jesus our Lord. He is with us right now, though you cannot see him, and I believe that to be a very comforting thought. Sometimes I like to imagine that he is crawling through the air conditioning ducts of the U.S. Capitol, out of sight, because he is on a secret mission like Tom Cruise was in the “Mission: Impossible” movies. Amen.
That brings us to our 10th witness, and while our previous nine witnesses were either unavailable at this time or are Jesus, who will not be speaking today, we will now hear from this 10th witness. Our witness will now give short remarks linking the Biden family to serious crimes in Ukraine or possibly Belarus.
I have just been told by my staffer that a cat has gotten to our 10th witness after our witness's cage was left open. Regrettably, Mr. Cuddlecheeks did not survive the attack. I assure you that we will investigate this matter thoroughly and with all the authority given to us by Congress, and will hold a news conference in the future after we have determined the cat's motives and political ties. Thank you, everyone, and we will be taking no questions at this time. Please leave.
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