Guess what! Trump supporters are being scammed out of their savings by unscrupulous actors on sketchy websites. Trump supporters! The savviest Homo sapiens this side of the Heaven’s Gate cult. Only they’re not waiting for the Hale-Bopp comet to spirit them away to a long-awaited elysian paradise. Oh, no. They’re counting on an even more implausible scenario—one in which Donald Trump improves their lives in some tangible way. Which is about as likely as Louie Gohmert discovering the Higgs boson in a box of Count Chocula—but hey, hope springs eternal.
A new report from NBC News reveals that some Trump supporters have been greedily buying up “Trump Bucks” online, only to discover they’re not real currency! No, really. Items called “Trump Bucks” that are sold on the internet by little-known vendors are totally worthless. Important scam alert, folks. Do not fall for this. I see you dragging them into your Amazon shopping cart along with that original Rembrandt oil painting of Starsky and Hutch. Stop now before it’s too late!
According to NBC News, one Trumpy who failed to heed these warnings is a fella by the name of John Amann, who bought $2,200 worth of Trump Bucks and “other items” in the past year before attempting to cash them in at his local bank. For some reason, though, his bank didn’t honor them. What?! How can that be? Well, maybe because you’re never supposed to cash in Trump Bucks. Because exchanging them for cash devalues them instantly! After all, how could something with a picture of Ben Franklin—who wasn’t even a president—possibly be worth more than a sepia-toned image of Trump screaming at that kid mowing the White House lawn? (I don’t know if this is the photo they chose for Trump Bucks, but seriously, what could possibly be better?)
NBC News has identified the Colorado-based companies behind the Trump Bucks as Patriots Dynasty, Patriots Future and USA Patriots and reviewed dozens of social posts, online complaints and hundreds of misleading ads for the products. Additionally, NBC News has found at least a dozen people like Amann who say they invested thousands of dollars after watching the pitches on Telegram and other websites that strongly suggested that Trump himself was endorsing these products.
“Now I’m questioning whether he is aware of this,” Amann said of Trump.
Oh, you are? You’re questioning whether Trump knows about this? Well, that’s very astute, John. Because if Trump had known about it, you’d likely be languishing in a Mar-a-Lago dungeon with your ATM PIN number embroidered over your gimp suit shirt pocket. You should consider yourself lucky, really.
NBC News also notes that the Better Business Bureau has given the companies involved in the sales an F rating, in part due to 33 complaints that are “unsparing in their criticism.” Which means nothing, of course. MyPillow also has an F rating, and we know how scrupulously honest its owner and founder is.
Then again, the FOMO is particularly strong when it comes to Trump Bucks!
Those who buy these items, the ads from Patriots Dynasty, Patriots Future and USA Patriots suggest, will be rewarded when Trump unveils a new monetary system that will turn these products into legal tender worth far more than the purchase price.
Invest in a TRB membership card “issued by Donald Trump,” the ads from Patriots Dynasty, Patriots Future and USA Patriots claim, and the purchaser who spent, say, $99.99 on a “$10,000 Diamond Trump Bucks” bill will be able to cash it in for $10,000 at major banks and retailers like Walmart, Costco and Home Depot.
So weird that these scammers thought they could fool Trump supporters, of all people. Americans who think Donald Trump was a good president—and want him to return to the Oval Office—are actually gullible fools. Never saw that one coming. Mind. Blown.
Of course, if you’re a Trump supporter who wants to be 100% certain you’re getting scammed by Trump himself, you need to do your research. Look for the official Trump Seal of Bamboozle, or simply visit his website (link not available), which is like a 24/7 Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon, only slightly more unctuous and with marginally less Eydie Gormé. Or maybe you’re already among the thousands of donors who gave to Trump’s totally fake election defense fund, in which case you may already qualify for millions of totally worthless Trump Bucks—which, improbably, still have more intrinsic value than Trump’s weird NFTs.
While scamming Trump supporters out of all their money may sound fun, it’s nevertheless unethical and illegal. Which is why my new business idea targets Trump haters—and is somewhat less illegal than the Trump Bucks scam. Probably.
My idea is a take on Netflix’s original business model, wherein I’d send subscribers a vial and a return envelope, and they can fill that vial with their urine at their leisure, send it back to the home office, and rest assured that one of my easily expendable coffee boys will be dumping their piss on Trump’s grave for them. After I make my first million—which should be in the first 15 minutes or so after the website goes up—I’ll retire and take down the site. Because it’s probably an illegal business. Though, to be fair, it has to be more legal than Trump University. But that pretty much goes without saying.
And no, I won’t be accepting Trump Bucks. Schrute Bucks on the other hand? Sure, why not?
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.