What do you do when you don't want your weekend news crew outshining your A-team, but your A-team includes Brian Kilmeade, whose synapses appear to be mostly coal-fired and who—and this can’t be repeated nearly enough—once attempted to toast marshmallows live on air with a plastic spoon? Well, it’s Rachel Campos-Duffy to the rescue.
Campos-Duffy, who made her name by living with a bunch of other people her age and having film crews follow them around as they waxed rhapsodic about the piece of pizza they ate over the sink last night while drunk, eventually parlayed her fame into a spot on one of Fox’s top un-reality shows. She also married the pride of Hayward, Wisconsin, which used to be that giant musky statue before her hubby and four-term GOP congressman Sean Duffy came along. Oh, and he was also an MTV reality show star who now works for Fox.
In other words, both these golden goobers have impeccable credentials. For a job at Fox News, that is.
On Sunday, Campos-Duffy sat down with her Fox & Friends Weekend co-hosts Joey Jones and Will Cain—and, boy, the sparks flew. Mostly from her head.
Watch (h/t Raw Story):
JONES: “Parents at a New York City public school say it’s overcrowded with migrants and can no longer provide proper programs, as a third grader writes a letter to her superintendent, and we have a quote here. ‘Dear Superintendent Samuels, I’m a third grader at Public School 145 and I love my school. I have been there since pre-K. This year, we lost our library, music room, and STEAM room, and I’m happy that we have a lot of new kids, but it’s not okay that we don’t have enough space. Please work with our school to help us get more space this year.’ And that’s exactly what I’d expect from an 8-year-old. No hate in their heart whatsoever, but they’re pointing to a problem, which is, ‘hey, if you’re going to invite a whole lot more people here, we got to have somewhere to have school.’”
CAMPOS-DUFFY: “Yeah, I’m still trying to get over the fact that they have a steam room. Did I read that right? [Laughs]. Wow, schools change. [laughs] Maybe we did give them too much COVID money. [Laughs].”
Campos-Duffy did appear to waffle a bit after Cain expressed some skepticism about her weird assumptions, admitting, “I don’t know what STEAM room is”—but sheesh. That’s a tough one to come back from.
Also, imagine reading a heartrending letter from an 8-year-old bemoaning the lack of resources dedicated to her school and concluding that we're too accommodating to immigrants and overly generous with our kids—instead of thinking maybe we could ratchet up our tax rates for multimillionaires and billionaires a percentage point or two. Must be weird to live inside a head like that.
Ah, but we’re burying the lede here. A STEAM room (note the capitalization) isn’t a fucking sauna, you gormless twit. It refers to science, technology, engineering, arts, and mathematics (STEAM) programs. Donald Trump’s repeated use of unnecessary capital letters has apparently fried these people’s brains.
Does Campos-Duffy seriously think 8-year-olds in New York public schools have saunas? Does she suppose they’re getting mani-pedis and facial peels in lieu of punishments when they’re sent to the principal’s office? These folks’ anti-public school propaganda is so off the rails, their reality-show journalists can’t tell reality from right-wing fantasy anymore. Then again, a half-hour in the sauna would be a relief after yet another grueling day spent crapping in litter boxes.
But hey, I’m starting to get why children are having trouble learning. “My kid didn’t learn any algebra today, but he did come home with a three-picture deal from Warner Bros. His networking skills have really improved, too, but for some reason he keeps shouting ‘hey, toots’ before asking for another Yoo-hoo.”
Just wait till they install the opium den. You think kids can’t read now.
Of course, given their recent troubles, Fox could consider, I dunno, hiring actual journalists to appear on their journalism shows. But they don’t want to lose viewers to Newsmax or OAN or Stormfront.org, so the geniuses keep geniusing out in the open for everyone to see. If only they’d wasted less time in the basement martini lounge during middle school.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.