In a sit-down interview with Christian Broadcasting Network News, aka that thing whut Pat Robertson wrought, Republican presidential contender and malfunctioning Disney robot Ron DeSantis was asked about history. Welcome, America, to the most cringeworthy segment of pandering you have ever seen.
In terms of, you know, throughout history, I mean, I think like, you know, could I have been there with Jesus' disciples?
I mean, you know, these are people who, you know, Peter just fishing one day and all of a sudden this guy comes up to him, catches all the fish and says you know, you're gonna be a fisher, I want you to be a fisher of men, come with me.
And so these guys all went out, uh, and they dedicated their life to spreading the gospel, and they all were killed for it, you know they tried to kill John, John ended up, you know, being able to survive, but I mean the intent was to put him to death too, and you know, to talk about what that was like, um, talk about what their impressions are, you know, whether that—I look back at that and would love to have been, uh, been able to be there with them.
Okay, uh ... hang on. Hang on, this one's going to take a while to digest. It tastes like lard and motor oil. One second.
All right, let's start over. Ahem.
For starters, this may be the most concise summary of the gospels anyone has ever given. It really touches all the highlights, doesn't it? There's a guy fishing, and then another guy comes up with really top-notch fishing skills, and then yada yada everyone gets killed, and don't you wish you could go back there and, like, interview them to find out what their impressions are?
If only some of them had written this stuff down, then we could have known how they felt about it.
All right, fine, I’m over it. I suppose we shouldn't be terribly surprised that when it comes to describing the whole New Testament, a Florida Republican is mostly going to remember the fishing and the murder. It does sort of sum up the whole state oeuvre. And really now, there's hardly anyone who, if able to go back to just one point in world history, wouldn't immediately go with "I want to go hang out with Jesus' friends and ask them about the vibes back then."
Not Jesus, of course! Jesus is very preachy and has a whole lot of opinions that even after two millennia don't go down well among conservative Republicans—Ron himself seems to know that'd be an awkward conversation. Instead he seems to want to talk to the disciples about fishing and what it's like being murdered. Sure.
I know it's early in the campaign season to already be saying this, but Ron? Please stop. Please stop talking. You are not good at it. If anyone is telling you you are good at it, they are lying to you. You have the personality of a gasoline-soaked rag and the charisma of a decaying alligator corpse.
Please, please stop talking.
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Donald Trump is facing even more legal jeopardy and the sharks in the Republican Party seem to sense there is some blood in the water. Chris Christie has made his campaign all about going directly at Trump, and Ron DeSantis seems to be closer and closer to becoming completely isolated from the field.