Well, nice going everyone. It was a nice little secret we had, before somebody blabbed about it to Republican South Dakota state Rep. Joe Donnell and he blabbed it to a whole online ministry and now everybody knows.
Donnell is a QAnon-adjacent state representative who believes a whoooole lotta stuff is going on behind reality's curtains and, weirdest of all, that coup-attempting reality show host Donald Trump is the spiritual entity that's going to somehow put things right. Unfortunately, though, Donnell's caught on to one of the great secrets of communism—that jerk.
“If you go back and do some search history on Mount Rushmore, it actually is a Freemason shrine,” Donnell said. “It was set up to enshrine democracy or the Declaration of Independence. … How do we worship the great thing we did with our government? So that was the idea behind it.”
“What the Lord revealed to me is that Mount Rushmore has a direct ley line to Washington, D.C.,” he added. “And he said, basically, that as we continue to work in prayer and do the work of the ministry, that God was going to break that connection. Because in order to understand the spiritual realm of what we’re facing, we have to realize that in order for the enemy to do anything, he needs the agreement of human beings. In order to be empowered to do more damage, he needs the agreement of human beings, and oftentimes that comes in the form of an altar, an active altar that acts as a portal for demonic things.”
Donnell says it was the Lord who let him in on all of this, and it would be nice to believe that because then the rest of us wouldn't have to point fingers at each other, but I'm not buying it. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and spilling out the whole entire communist plan, complete with waypoints and GPS coordinates, is about as far from "mysterious" as you can get. No, this was an inside job, and I'm looking at YOU, John Cusack.
And God spoke to me said, ‘When Donald Trump steps foot on this territory, there’s something that’s going to be done as far as the Constitution being upheld. It’s gonna bring a breakthrough with the Constitution.’ And I kinda got the feeling that what we’re really dealing with in that portal was communism. That witchcraft altar and those things that are happening in the Black Hills; what we’re really dealing with is communism; it’s the ideology and all the demonic entities and spirits behind that.”
Donnell's not the greatest public speaker and is skipping out on big chunks of the story, but now that he's spilled the magical beans there's probably no point in hiding the rest. Yes, Mount Rushmore is a magical portal to communism. Because witchcraft. And the witchcraft was all in service to summoning demons and spirits, because everybody knows demons and spirits are communists, which is why every ghost story begins with the ghost sternly admonishing the protagonist to seize the means of production, right before rattling the cabinets and making ghostly “woooo” noises.
The story goes deeper, however. It was 1789 when the first of the dwarven elders discovered Mount Rushmore, which back then consisted only of four noses sticking out of the rock and no other features, and discovered the Rushmore-Washington, D.C., ley line. The dwarves were entranced by the site, and immediately carved out a new kingdom underneath the mountain; there, they mined for gold and silver and magical gems, excavating great halls and paving the floor with slabs of solid lapis, and it was there that they invented Freemasonry and worshiped the just-written Constitution, which they had no particular part in writing but they were intrigued by nonetheless. By 1802 dwarven mystics had chipped out enough of the mountain to reveal the faces that had been hidden behind the exposed noses, which turned out to be, from left to right, Bill Gates, Freddie Mercury, Sexy King Arthur with sword not included, and Dorothy from the Golden Girls.
The dwarves were appalled by the revelation of this prophecy, and promptly covered the whole thing back up, noses included, using the magic drawn from the ley line to reform the rock and to bend the minds of all who had seen it. But they did stick with the Freemasonry, using a draft copy of the Declaration of Independence to weave a spell of spiritual translocation that would make ley line travel between Washington, D.C.-South Dakota possible, nonstop, and with meals included. And then they went back to mining, that being really the only thing Freemasonry is good for.
But the dwarves dug too deep, in their quest for gold and masculine companionship with absolutely no gay subtext, for it was communism they found deep under the mountain. If there is one thing dwarves cannot stand more than they cannot stand any of the other things they cannot stand, it would be communism; the whole point of being a dwarf is Finders Keepers, and equal distribution of the spoils of Mount Rushmore was something absolutely none of them were going to put up with. So they all left, leaving a note to God to tell South Dakota state Representative Joe Donnell about the danger a few hundred years later, too late to do anybody a damn bit of good.
The rest of the story is much like Donnell tells it. The abandoned mines soon became a popular destination for witchcraft, the witches constructed an altar to communism that attracted communist demons, yada yada yada, here we are.
The real jerk move, however, is that Donnell not only has discovered the source of all communism in the western hemisphere, he's now using that knowledge to try to do something about it. Not personally, of course, but by proxy: Donnell says that "God spoke to me" and that God told him Donald Trump was going to do something about it, and that this would be a "breakthrough with the Constitution."
And that would really worry us, as secret communists—if Joe Donnell wasn't making a critical error here. What Donnell is failing to take into account, as he pins his hope on Donald Trump somehow patching up the ley line and banishing the witch-summoned communist demons, is that Donald Trump himself is of dwarven blood.
Only fractionally, of course. Trump's minor dwarven heritage is shown physically only in his tiny thumbs and stubby fingers, tiny cocktail sausage fingers disproportionate to his every other feature. But he has also inherited the dwarven obsession with painting things gold and the deep dwarven instinct to hoard things, to hoard anything that could possibly be of value, and to preferably hoard it all inside a bathroom if at all possible. That is Trump's nature and his destiny.
So when Trump did go to Mount Rushmore in 2020, pompously and at the invitation of the state's Republican governor, Trump did what his dwarven distant ancestor did two hundred years beforehand. He looked at the place, he said a few nice things about the Constitution and a few bad things about communism, and then he booked it out of there again as fast as his feet and his jet would carry him. Donald Trump isn't going to fight communism. Donald Trump isn't going to destroy the ley line. Donald Trump is going to pay lip service to the whole thing and then go back to his gilded pleasure cave to roll around in his hoarded treasures and pretend Melania still loves him.
So there you go. Communism lives another day, the ley line from Mount Rushmore to, specifically, a secret cavern under the Lincoln Memorial remains gloriously intact, nobody's figured out the real reason Bill Gates' face used to be on Mount Rushmore before the third dwarven king covered it right the hell back up again, and Donnell's supposed revelation has done his anti-communist forces absolutely no good at all because they made the most fundamental of all possible political mistakes: they expected Donald Trump, of all people, to give a damn about it.
We're good. But I'm still mad at whichever one of you leaked all of this to Joe Donnell in the first place, and I'm still giving you a particularly focused side eye, John Cusack.
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