“Yes, I suckle toe beans...”
The mischievous elves at Bad Lip Reading are back to putting words in people’s mouths. Which, in the case of Ron DePuddingfingers, is [chef’s kiss]. Enjoy...
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Miracle workers, really. Someone actually made him sound lucid.
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 18, 2023
Note: If you need a bracket, take a bracket. If you have a bracket, leave a bracket. { ] [ [}]
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By the Numbers:
6 days!!!
Days 'til Easter: 257
Days 'til the start of NYC Restaurant Week: 6
Expected date for the start of the 10-day UPS strike: 8/1/23
Estimated cost to the U.S. economy if the strike happens: $7 billion
Cost in 1945 to build a "floating ice cream parlor" barge to deliver ice cream to small warships in the Pacific that couldn’t produce their own ice cream: $1 million
Ice cream production capacity of the barge: 10 gallons every 7 minutes
Percent chance that Covid-19 was genetically engineered to spare Chinese people and Jews, an assertion that RFK Jr. swears on tape is true: 0%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In carver County, Minnesota…..Saved!!!
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CHEERS to seeing the light. Like a blind squirrel who finds an occasional nut, intellectually-blind nut Marjorie Taylor Greene—the member of Congress recently booted from the House Freedom caucus for being too loopdedoo even for them—actually stumbled on a nugget of truth at a conference of MAGA knuckledraggers in the sinking state of Florida. What makes it hilarious is that she thinks this is an insult:
"[Democratic President Lyndon Johnson's] big socialist programs were the Great Society.
MTG’s new BFFs. Who knew???
The Great Society were big government programs to address education, medical care, urban problems, rural poverty, transportation, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps, and welfare, the Office of Economic Opportunity, and big labor and labor unions.
"Now, LBJ had the Great Society, but Joe Biden had Build Back Better, and he still is working on it. The largest public investment in social infrastructure and environmental programs that is actually finishing what FDR started that LBJ expanded on, and Joe Biden is attempting to complete, socialism."
Responded the 46th president: "I'm Joe Biden, and I approve this message."
JEERS to the angry snowflake mob. Here's the thing about cults: as long as their leader is still leading, they will never un-cult themselves. So here we are, two-and-a-half years after the MAGA mob tried to destroy the United States government by storming the Capitol, and the prison sentences are still being doled out to unrepentant insurrectionists like this cop assaulter. By now it's a familiar story: a big tough freedom fighter in a mob ("Hang the traitors!" "Go to their work and home, pull them out by their teeth and hang them for treason!”) who turn into lily-livered whiners when separated from the cult. This lady, who just got a six-year sentence, is a classic case study:
“My whole dream of my life has been taken because people have different politics than mine,” [Audrey Ann] Southard-Rumsey said, the outlet reported.
The new MAGA logo.
Sitting before U.S. District Judge Amit Mehta, she added, per CBS: “I have grievances since they don’t listen to us at the polling place. They don’t listen to us little people in the regular world. … [Think about] what I now have to give up. It’s not fair!”
Make sure you give them terlets a real good shine with your toothbrush, ma'am. And don’t worry 'bout us on the outside. We'll muddle along 'til 2029 without ya as best we can. (But, full disclosure: I’m already dating your husband.)
CHEERS to the current chain of command. Seventy-six years ago, on July 18, 1947, President Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act, which clearly establishes who takes over if the president dies or is otherwise incapacitated. Here's the current lineup, which is a sight better than what it looked like a couple years ago with one catastrophic exception you’ll spot immediately:
Vice President Kamala Harris (First woman president? Fine by me.)
Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy (A fact that I refuse to let sink in.)
And when climate change kills off humanity, Clarissa here becomes dictator for life.
President pro tempore of the Senate Patty Murray (Free Washington apples for everybody.)
Sec. of State Antony Blinken (A. Blinken?…Abe Lincoln? I say he should be allowed to leapfrog to the top for that. But only if he wears a stovepipe hat.)
Sec. of the Treasury Janet Yellen (Can we just pause for a moment to thank all the gods that Steve Mnuchin is gone…and to also ask if all the gold in Fort Knox was accounted for after he left?)
Gary the House Janitor (In fairness, if he can clean up vomit in the school cafeteria, he can probably clean up Washington.)
Dopey (This would not be good because he'd be dwarfed by world events.)
After that they just start drawing random names out of Congresswoman Virginia Foxx's girdle.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Democrats with the right stuff. Happy 102nd birthday to the late John Glenn, one of the most durable human beings who ever lived. Not only was he the first American astronaut to orbit the planet, he later became the oldest person in space when he blasted off in the Shuttle Discovery at the age of 77.
President Obama had the honor of awarding Glenn his Medal of Freedom.
I don’t plan to have a whole lot etched on my Billystone after I die, but one thing you'll definitely read on it will be, "John Glenn Was My Freakin' Senator." Probably with an exclamation point—more if the engraver gives me a volume discount.
CHEERS to emergency preparedness. What's this? Entities connected to Big Oil actually being proactive??? Since April Fools Day is three months in the rear-view mirror, it must be true. Government and private-sector teams are spending this week in Portland Harbor training for what to do if we ever have an oil-gusher situation on our gooey hands:
Boats will launch from the Bug Light boat ramp in South Portland…
Before we continue: this is Portland Breakwater Lighthouse, aka “Bug Light,” so named because it’s the smallest lighthouse in Maine. Okay, now you can finish your sentence...
…and will operate in the upper Fore River surrounding the Sprague Energy Terminal on both the Portland and South Portland shorelines. Maritime spill containment boats will be visible in the river from the Casco Bay Bridge, the Veterans Memorial Bridge and Interstate 295 on the Fore River.
The government teams will deal with the hypothetical disaster by using the latest technology to quickly and efficiently contain the hypothetical oil, preserving the health of the harbor and its finned and furry inhabitants. The private-sector teams from Big Oil will stand on the shoreline in hardhats yelling at the government teams through a bullhorn: "We use paper towel! You should try paper towel! Here, have a roll of paper towel! We're going to lunch now but we'll be back in three hours with more paper towel!" Message: they care.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 18, 2013
CHEERS to setting Democratic phasers on “Stun.” After two years of pointless Ferenghi obstruction in the Senate, Admiral Harry Reid finally stopped blinking long enough to use his Vulcan mind meld and get an Obama nominee released from its tractor beam. Captain Richard Cordray is now Starfleet's Commander of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. It's ongoing mission: to seek out new bamboozlers and new rip-off schemes—to boldly level the playing field for consumers where it's never been leveled before. Their happy ending achieved, everyone retired to the holodeck for a round of golf. And in other news, I watch too much TV.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to today’s big eggscitement. Today is National Caviar Day. I'm sure you're itching, as I am, to send the butler to the walk-in refrigerator to dip into your resplendent reservoir of roe. But before you do, make sure he's not gonna f*ck it up:
Fine caviar should never be served with or stored in metal because of oxidation which can impart a metal flavour to the berries (yes, that what each little egg is properly called). Serve caviar very cold and nestled inside another bowl or container that holds ice to keep it fresh and cool.
Choose your brand wisely. You know the old saying: "Caviar Emptor."
Choose servers made of glass, bone, wood or plastic. If you want to go by tradition, try mother-of-pearl or gold.
While it’s tempting to overdo it, try not to as eating more than two ounces or two spoons of caviar is considered a social faux pas.
And no matter what, fellow Kossacks, never, ever spill any caviar on your Manolo Blanhiks. They kick people out of country clubs for less.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Keep Ohio Republicans (And All Republicans) Out Of The Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool!
—Wonkette
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