It’s August, which means it’s time for one of Pillow Man Mike Lindell’s world-changing election fraud summits! Sadly, previous summits changed the world very little, other than briefly spiking worldwide Bing searches for “yawping sentient braunschweiger.” But Minnesota’s most famous election denier is back, and this time, things are different.
Why? Because Lindell says so, you filthy unbeliever.
For anyone actually worried that Lindell got his act together and finally had the goods to overturn the 2020 election, be relieved. He stumbled right out of the gate. Though, to be fair, anyone worried about Lindell ejecting Joe Biden from the White House is likely the sort of person who fretted about the crack investigators Donald Trump sent to Hawaii to get to the bottom of Barack Obama’s birth certificate. What are they finding? Was he born in Kenya and then hastily airlifted to Hawaii in an Igloo cooler so he could be president one day? Find out in two weeks!
RELATED STORY: Mike Lindell forced to sell off MyPillow assets as his Big Lie keeps shrinking
A host of heroes monitored this latest shit show, which took place in Springfield, Missouri, the democracy-saving capital of the world. Video captured by John Whitehouse of Media Matters for America is up first, with more ooey-gooey election lies!
Transcript!
MIKE LINDELL: “This historical election summit is so important that it’s being broadcast around the world in 85 languages on Frankspeech.com. This election summit is not going to be about more evidence. We have enough evidence. Evidence has been the easy part. This summit is all about hope and the plan to secure our elections immediately. I want you to watch this video and see if you all remember this.”
(VIDEO OF JIMMY KIMMEL INTRODUCING LINDELL STARTS)
LINDELL: “No, no, no, this is the wrong one. This is the wrong one. [Laughs] Hold on. Well, that’s coming. The Rose Garden speech.”
You might need a little more evidence, Mike—or some, anyway. But more importantly, when hosting the most important event in world history—an event that promises to literally save Western democracy—maybe double-check that the first video is cued up correctly. Or have a temp do it. A Western democracy-saving temp. Every agency has them; you just need to ask.
RELATED STORY: Mike Lindell claims $100 million in financial losses after election shenanigans
Also, 85 languages? Are there even 85 people watching? Does anyone else get the feeling that viewers are hearing nothing but English, halting Spanish, and Lindell’s pastor speaking in 83 different tongues? And who’s doing the translations? Did Lindell randomly meet a Telugu speaker one Sunday afternoon at IHOP? Is there a language in which any of this makes sense? No doubt Greek speakers are watching in exasperation and muttering, “This is all Lindell to me.”
Of course, if none of this makes any sense to you, you’ve obviously never watched a “Left Behind” movie marathon on mushrooms. But right-wing Christians get it, and that’s who Lindell is talking to, after all.
Full text of Xweet from ”Radicalized” podcast host Jim Stewartson:
At “Election Summit 2023” Mike Lindell says the quiet part about his christofascist motivations.
Cheerleading the 2020 Big Lie that led to J6, Lindell says “there’s a bright side… hey if we’re wrong… it’s End Times and all of us believers go up to Heaven. It’s a win-win.”
This apocalyptic Christian myth, largely fueled by oil & gas money, has been motivating Americans to push us towards chaos for decades because they believe if things get bad it’s fine because Jesus is coming to save them.
The problem with this idea is that anyone who is not a “believer” is supposed to get “left behind” in a bloodbath. They consider this a good thing when it’s blatantly genocidal propaganda.
Lindell believes this which is exactly how Mike Flynn and his allies brainwashed him into spending all his money to destroy his own country.
Transcript!
LINDELL: “And you never gave up, instead of getting attacked and attacked and attacked, because you knew we get this one chance or we lose the American dream forever. That’s it. We lose our country. There is a bright side to all this, though. Hey, if we’re wrong it’s end times, all us believers go to heaven, you know. It’s a win-win.”
[Applause. Lindell laughs.]
Well, it’s not really a win-win for unbelievers—more like win-win-really big loss. But since they clearly don’t care what we think, it stands to reason they don’t care how we feel, either—as long as we feel uncomfortable and really, really hot.
And if anyone thought this summit was just another opportunity for right-wing zealots to whine about all the usual made-up dangers to the republic, how would they explain the fact that Gen. Mike Flynn and Steven Bannon were there?
Transcript!
MICHAEL FLYNN: “They didn’t think that we were going to go back to our founders, right? What’s in the DNA of an American citizen? It’s something called freedom. Okay? It’s in our DNA. And I’ll tell you, you don’t fight, you don’t fight an enemy because you hate the enemy. You fight an enemy because you love your country. You love your faith, you love your family.
“And that’s why we’re fighting, because I know, when I look around, there was a couple of young people here today that had young kids here today. You know, my mom used to call it ‘forced family fun,’ right? Dragging the kids to some event. But when I look at those children, and thank you to those people that brought your children here to these things—even though they don’t understand what’s going on* —but you’re bringing them because that’s what we’re doing. …
“When I look around the audience here, and there’s a lot of relatively young people, but the generation that I’m a part of, the generation that we’re a part of, we’ve got to take this country back, because the future generations are working their asses off, and little babies are trying to grow up, and we’re trying to keep them from, what, drag queen hour? I mean, come on, folks. We are not going to have this. We are not going to have this in this country. Enough is enough.”
*they’re not the only ones
You got that, folks? Freedom is the most important thing ever. It’s in every American’s DNA. Also, you shouldn’t be allowed to bring your kid to a drag queen story hour, because that’s not the kind of DNA freedom Flynn’s talking about.
He means this kind of freedom, obviously:
The whole point of Lindell’s summit—which was not about evidence, because they already have all the evidence—was to unveil a new election system that’s so awesome it will instantly rescue our country from the brink of ruin. Which is why Lindell waited until Day Two of the event to reveal it. Because if you make an earth-shattering announcement that no one can stop talking about at the beginning of a conference, hardly anyone will stick around for the rest of your presentation—and even fewer will buy pillows.
Of course, if you’re not that into pillows, you can always get a big Trump knife. There’s something at this summit for everyone. Other than credible evidence of election fraud, of course.
Of course, Lindell’s new election system is more trustworthy than the current one because God gave him the idea personally. And at 1 PM Central on Thursday, the struggling pillow magnate finally unveiled the plan, which he’s sure you’ll love “unless you’re part of the evil.”
I was tuned in at 1 PM Central, but the big reveal was slightly delayed by a plug for an energy supplement. Then Lindell opened the announcement with a prayer to Jesus asking that The Plan—which God came up with personally, remember—will actually work.
And then, I shit you not, this happened right before Lindell was ready to make his announcement.
Back off, Satan!
And the big reveal? Lindell and crew have created a “wireless monitoring device” that can detect if a voting machine is connected to the internet and endangering votes. The Daily Beast’s Justin Baragona caught a dizzying screenshot.
Lindell further demonstrated his plan by flying such a drone into the conference hall with one of these WMD devices strapped to it. And, according to Lindell, it monitored everyone’s devices in the building to see if they were connected to the internet.
And there you go. America is saved by WMDs. (No, not those kind!)
That said, I still have qualms. First of all, this would be weird even if voting machines were connected to the internet—which, to be clear, they're not. Some states do allow machines to include modems that connect to “secure, private network configurations” so they can easily transmit election results, but they're never connected to the public internet. Regardless, the vast majority of ballots cast in 2020 had paper backups, and Georgia, for example, hand-recounted all of its presidential ballots.
But how would mysterious drones hovering over our heads as we vote work? No chance that could create havoc, is there? Of course not! God has vetted this plan personally, so such havoc has been deemed impossible!
And so it is written: Lindell saves the world for the third time. And just in case anyone doesn't think this is a grift, researcher and author Devin Burghart would like a word.
See you next August, when Lindell will no doubt gather whatever is left of his flock to do it all over again, just in time for the 2024 election.
RELATED STORY: Ultimate indignity: Mike Lindell must pay $5M to guy who disproved Big Lie claims
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
