Have you worshipped the dark lord Molech today? No? Then you simply aren't doing your part to protect abortion rights!
Think we're insane? Think we're kidding? Then you, friend, have not yet heard the good word dispensed by the GOP's brand-new nominee for a pivotal special election for the New Hampshire state House. Say hello to pastor Jim Guzofski, and please enjoy his 2021 Halloween sermon:
No, it's a shade of witchcraft! Is probably what you're seeing. And you don't want to be bold enough to stand up and speak out against it. See, witchcraft is the religion of the fallen humanity. It's rooted in murder. Why do you think they fight so hard to keep abortion? I mean, to a lunatic frenzy! Because they know blood sacrifices to their god Molech.
What, you don't think a fellow like this is the right sort of guy to hold a critical swing district that will literally determine whether or not Republicans maintain their majority? Maybe instead you feel he's a poor fit because he thinks "the majority of the people" who come down with COVID "are the ones that took the jab" since they "literally infected you with the virus"? Or perhaps it's because he believes being gay is "against nature" because "you never see two male dogs going at it and having kids"? Or is it just that he thinks "the doctrine of demons has so permeated our society in establishing a perverted mindset"?
Well, whatever the reason, it seems that New Hampshire Republicans—or what remains of their establishment—actually agree with you. Party leaders had backed Jessica Sternberg, an official with the state chapter of the College Republicans, but Guzofski, a member of the governing board in his hometown of Northwood, rode his local name recognition to a 56-44 victory in Tuesday's primary.
Democrats, by the by, did not need a primary. They're running computer programmer Hal Rafter, who, after losing his bid for the same district last year by just 25 votes, is the natural choice. Rafter is a mainstream progressive who believes in things like protecting the right to an abortion and improving our public schools and fighting climate change. No witchcraft, no demons, no evil Canaanite deities from Leviticus.
And that's your matchup on Sept. 19, when Rafter and Guzofski go head-to-head for a tossup district in Rockingham County that was held by Republicans until it became vacant in April. If Democrats flip it (and win two other special elections in safely blue seats), then the state House will be evenly divided between the parties, 199 to 199, plus two independents.
If that comes to pass, it'll be a remarkable turnabout. Republicans went into the midterms with freshly gerrymandered maps to buoy them, but in spite of everything, Democrats managed to pick up a dozen seats and whittle the GOP down to the smallest majority in state history. Now Democrats are poised to tie the chamber.
What might happen then? It's difficult to say, because functional control of the gigantic New Hampshire House always depends on who shows up on any given day. Even though Republicans have a nominal majority, Democrats have managed to defeat horrid GOP bills and even pass some good legislation of their own when they've had superior numbers on the floor. If Rafter is victorious, that'll give Democrats one more reliable vote, even if Republicans retain the speakership.
And if Guzofski prevails, may Molech save us.
Help defeat the unhinged Jim Guzofski! You can donate $10 to Hal Rafter right here, right now!