One of the questions I've seen floating around recently in some of my Democratic groups is that people have a great concern with relationships they’ve had that may not survive an election. “I have a MAGA brother that..” “I have a MAGA uncle that..” “I have a MAGA friend..” in response, some of the MAGA fans say: “Are you so fragile that you will lose my friendship because you hate Donald Trump?”
We need to talk seriously about mental health and sometimes what being a friend to ourselves and an ally to others might be. Many people have the ability right now to support Donald J. Trump because they feel as though all of his negatives, which they don’t care about, don’t impact them. Sure he’s racist. He lies a lot. He’s a criminal. He gets confused. He’s gone bankrupt multiple times. He’s a fraud who flip-flops frequently on big issues when pushed, hell, recently he was on one side of a Florida ballot issue on abortion then flipped sides. They do not care. They aren’t going to listen to you. They decided that the harm this could do to you and the status and life of your friends doesn’t matter enough for them to care about it. So it isn’t that you hate Donald Trump. I don’t hate Donald Trump. I hate his policies. But I don’t know Donald Trump and I don’t hate much of anything (except for sweet cole slaw, which I hate with a passion). The question is: are you required to keep up these toxic relationships because of any other connection as an adult? The mental health answer is: no. I’d strongly argue that as long as you do you just harm yourself and you give them no reason to think about their choices.
We all know it. Many of us in the Midwest have at least one person in our immediate circle, a family member or a friend who has decided to go MAGA at some point. Most since 2016. It’s sad. It is so incredibly close to a cult that I cannot find the difference at times. The economy is so bad that prices are uncontrollable but you have enough money to buy a $200 Trump flag. Or a $50 Trump coin. Or a $55 Trump bible. The economy is so terrible that gas is terrible — actually, at $2.55 near me, I’m good. I don’t need COVID no one is traveling supply and demand cost gas because that would signal to me things are terrible and American production is in disaster mode.
You can’t reason with some individuals. And the more you try, the more it will put a strain on you. As an adult, it is often difficult to make new friends. We stick with the circles we are used to, and as a result, we find it difficult to cut off friends that we’ve had forever because we have an inbuilt fear of our inability to make new friends.
Now is the time to think about our mental health. As we go through this election, I’d urge us to rethink what we want in our own lives. We don’t hate Donald Trump. We can look for joy in the life of others. In the celebration that they deserve.
When we keep toxic people around us, even family members, what you are doing is just tolerating a position that will significantly weigh on us.
It’s tough to say: look, we may have known each other our whole life or close but I think I’m in a different place than you are and I can’t do this anymore. I understand the difficulty. It is scary to build something new at any age. When people get married, that becomes their primary family. Sure, we stay in touch with cousins, brothers and sisters but not in the same way as we used to as our children and immediate surroundings take priority.
What is funny about this is something I learned as a young kid when I went through Catholic CCD classes, where we had a moment as a junior or senior that told us specifically once we were married that was our family and if we were stuck in a boat that was sinking and we could only save our parents or our spouse, we were supposed to save our spouse every time.
Now, that same subject matter is coming up in an election. On the ballot in many states is the concept that puts the spouse of many at risk. Potentially deathly risk. On the ballot are issues and policies that put immediate families in danger. Just like I learned, these are the ones who need our protection first.
There may be some grieving about lost connections here and there, but is there a moral right and wrong to this? Should you constantly be giving someone who is going to mock, belittle, or make fun of your beliefs just because of that connection? Is it good for your mental health? No. It’s not at all good for your health.
Years ago, a very good friend told me that one of the greatest issues he dealt with was the number of LGBTQ children who were kicked out of their homes, penniless over parental opposition the moment they hit 18. Sometimes earlier. For that group, it is about either hatred of ideals or rigidness of beliefs, and they will cut people out for disagreement. In talking to them, counselors inform so many that family by love is what carries you when you can’t control family by blood.
We keep trying to build bridges. It’s time to stop. For our own health. Find your family. Reach out through this election and find joy. Find people who haven’t voted in a while but share your values. Strike up a good conversation at a door while you canvass.
Your MAGA connections may want to argue on fake facts they want to whip out. Don’t waste your breath. At this point, I’m done. I’m just saying to those around me I know are MAGA that I’m voting for Harris/Walz because Taylor Swift told me to and she doesn’t need diapers. I point out people can vote for whatever reason they want, and then say I also like that she isn’t a giant buddy with Putin, but that’s just me. Followed by walking away.
Sometimes, it is worth it, worth your own health to walk away. This election is going to be tight. We need to work as hard as we can to turn out votes in every state possible, but of course in the swing states of Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Michigan, Arizona, Georgia, North Carolina.
Help get voters to the polls. If you can drive them there, that’s great. If you can phone call them, good. If you can knock a few doors, fantastic. Donate a few dollars, that’s fine. Look all the way down the ballot and tell your votes they need to do the same: vote the whole ballot including local races. We need to change toxic state houses.
When it comes to toxicity in our own lives, we can change that. It’s OK to do it. Instead of posting about surviving Thanksgiving dinner at your MAGA relative’s house, start your own Thanksgiving tradition and do dinner in your own. Save yourself the mental anguish.
Develop your own family of love, family of joy, connections that bring you hope. You aren’t assembling an echo chamber. You’re starting a new adventure of growing hope in your own life.
So before you book those plane tickets to a weekend of misery with your MAGA relatives, imagine how much better you’d feel if you didn’t. You aren’t obligated to stay within a toxic connection. It’s perfectly OK to move on for yourself.
