Oh! More Things I Know:
✌ Voting in the 2024 elections ends in 5 days. MAGA whining about the 2024 election results ends in never days.
✌ Tuesday's Democratic winners will be careful to enact policies that don't overreach. Tuesday's Republican winners will be careful to enact policies that do nothing but overreach.
✌ The scariest words in the English language: "I'm J.D. Vance and I've given this some thought..."
✌ The MAGA cult has gotten so extreme and dangerous that we now consider the time they went after Mr. Potato Head and green M&Ms as "the good old days."
Also what I know: all quiet on the hurricane front.
✌ The problem with mass shootings is we keep sending thoughts and prayers after they happen. If we sent them before they happened, they wouldn’t happen.
✌ One thing whose price is never affected by inflation is nutball Republican politicians. They always come dirt cheap.
✌ Governor Tim Walz is the best vice presidential candidate of my lifetime.
✌ The outcome of the 2024 elections hinges on turnout by young voters. To get them on board, we should all go out on the streets and offer them shiny dimes.
✌ Attorney General Merrick Garland has still failed to throw a tarp over the naked lady statues at the Justice Department or sing Let the Eagle Soar even once.
✌ You will be automatically charged $49.95 a month to belong in The Billy & Squirrely Friends Club unless you find and click the “unsubscribe” box. (Hint: it’s located somewhere on the internet.)
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, October 31, 2024
Note: An urgent reminder to grease and re-string your catapults and soak your leftover 2023 holiday fruitcakes in gasoline this weekend, as the opening assault in the War On Christmas starts PROMPTLY after next Tuesday’s elections. As usual, stragglers will be punished by spending the day in solitary with a bitter, balding Furby who won’t shut up about how great Pogs were.
—Generalissimo Billeh
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til we turn our clocks back: 3
Days 'til PizzaCon in Philadelphia: 7
Consumer confidence index for October released by the Conference Board, up 11 percent and the highest one-month gain since March of 2021: 138
Job openings in September, virtually unchanged from August: 7.44 million
Drop in McDonald's traffic nationwide last week due to the e. coli scare and/or Trump's fake fry-vat stunt: 10%
Age of actress Teri Garr when she died Tuesday of complications from multiple sclerosis: 79
Percent of Americans who say they'd consider buying a haunted house, but only if it was being sold below market value: 57%
EXCLUSIVE! → World Series Update ← EXCLUSIVE!
The LA Dodgers win the Series over NY Yankees 4 games to 1
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
We had one of those "What was he thinking?" moments with Texas Gov. Rick (Goodhair) Perry the other day. The only governor we've got decided to bring back that old bone of contention: prayer in the schools. Nice timing, guv.
The very first clause in the First Amendment to the United States Constitution establishes freedom of conscience. The majority does not rule anyone's faith. If we wanted the state to coerce faith, we would have voted for the Taliban. Look, as we all know, the religious majority in Texas is hardshell Southern Baptist. Splendid people, the Southern Baptists, but the fact is, if the rest of us had wanted to join their church, we would have done so. Our next biggest faith is Catholicism, and if the governor wants to spend the rest of his term convincing Baptists to say "Hail Mary," that's fine by me.
As is obvious to all but those of the most limited intelligence and the governor, by the time you get the Catholics, Jews, Episcopalians, Methodists, Muslims, atheists, agnostics, Church of Christers, Buddhists, Sikhs, New Agers and the County Line Salt of the Earth Church of the Predestinarian Faith to sign off on one prayer, it begins "To Whom It May Concern, If There Is a Whom."
Prayer in school is quite perfectly legal, and is especially common before algebra exams. Mandatory prayer organized by, led by and broadcast over the public address system by paid agents of the state is unconstitutional.
—October 2001
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Suria and Roscoe are best buds…
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CHEERS to rational exuberance. At this point I got nothin’ to say about the 2024 race. I’m just counting down the days, then hours, then minutes, then seconds until this ridiculous spectacle—a prime reason why space aliens never reveal themselves when they’re here studying us—is over. But here’s something I found that is not only funny, it’s also serves as a pretty decent Thursday morning alarm clock. Billy Eichner and Elf take to the streets of New York to spread the word in the opposite of hushed tones...
Bonus benefit if everyone steps up and elects Kamala: they’ll stop doing this.
JEERS to quick answers to quick questions. Hey, I have a quick question: is the Supreme Court still run by six conservatives who have MAGA shit for brains? Let's find out…
The Supreme Court's conservative majority on Wednesday allowed Virginia to resume its purge of voter registrations that the state says is aimed at stopping people who are not U.S. citizens from voting. [...]
Such voting is rare in American elections, but the specter of immigrants voting illegally has been a main part of the political messaging this year from former President Donald Trump and other Republicans.
Wow. That was quick.
CHEERS and JEERS to monumental achievements. On October 31, 1941, Mount Rushmore was deemed "complete" after 14 years of blasting and chiseling, but only because they'd run out of money. It's an eyesore and an insult to Native Americans, and it's more a testament to its creator's ego than anything else.
Upon hearing that it’s possible #45 could become #47...
Having said that, it's still quite an accomplishment and it sure sums up the #1 thing you need to be President of the United States: a really big head.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Halloween. The weather will be warmer than usual, and we're hoping for a decent turnout as the BiPM household readies itself for the annual pitter-patter of li'l ghoul and goblin feet on the porch. (Bonus: our screen door makes an unnerving Squeeeeak when you open it…bwoo ha ha.) As we plop their exclusive treat into their little plastic pumpkins and bags, we'll offer our usual free advice: "When you've drained the bottle, kids, don’t forget to swallow the worm."
JEERS to stupid obligations. I’m told by my creative consultants that in order to remain topical and relevant I need to regularly mention Israel, Palestine, Hamas, and Hezbollah in my posts, no matter how risky that might be to my base of supporters. Okay...I guess:
Israel. Palestine. Hamas. Hezbollah.
And now I’m being told by my creative consultants that, having posted that atrociously-inflammatory rhetoric, I need to retain the services of a bodyguard and buy more fire insurance. Both of which they offer for a “reasonable monthly fee.” I feel had.
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 31, 2014
RUH ROH to being a big-boy economy again. Apparently we've recovered enough from the Great Recession that happened on George W. Bush's watch to stand on our own two feet again:
The Federal Reserve announced the end of its bond-buying program Wednesday, marking the close of a six-year effort to stimulate the economy. …
The Fed's announcement was overall positive, says Dan Greenhaus, chief strategist at market research firm BTIG in New York. "It's in response to the Fed acknowledging the improvement in the economy, the improvement in the labor market and the diminished risks on the inflation side of things," says Greenhaus.
They say the Fed's move is "akin to taking the training wheels off of a child's bike." Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait. Hold on a minute. I'm confused. We're supposed to take those off?
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And just one more…
JEERS to no-shows. Harry Houdini died 98 years ago today—yes, on Halloween—but not from one of his death-defying magic tricks. It was a ruptured appendix…but spooky nonetheless:
Houdini was 52 years old when he died, the exact number of playing cards in a deck. Further, he was born 26 years before the start of the new century, and died 26 years into the next one—as if his "life's deck" had been deftly cut in half by Fate, the ultimate magician.
After I die, if you smell Twinkies you’ll know I’m in the vicinity.
For a full ten years after Houdini's death, his wife Bess conducted a séance on October 31.These séances were always attended by the top names in magic, as well as personal friends of the great magician. Houdini had told Bess that if it were possible, he would send a message to her "from beyond" in secret code. Though Bess herself stopped participating in the séances after 1937, members of the magic fraternity have kept the tradition.
If you're conducting a séance on Halloween and you smell burnt cannoli, you'll know you've erroneously reached Antonin Scalia. Dog shit? Pat Robertson.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“After 16 years of being in the anchor chair every day, I want time to do more of what I love the most—more connecting, listening and splashing in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool."
—Andrea Mitchell
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