...I’m this close to pulling the trigger (Or looking for a bit of levity — one or the other)
As a consumer of political news, a critical need has come to my attention. I, like many people, was unaware of this need. This just might bring attention to a form of bedrest that has been lost in a crowd of sleep numbers, adjustable box springs, memory foam and hybrid gelatinous manufacturing.
What is this amazing breakthrough in sleep technology, you ask?
Magnets.
A Magnetic Mattress. A true example of need, former Colorado county clerk and convicted felon, Tina Peters, has found her freedom to slumber - in the manner she’s become accustomed to - in jeopardy. Tina has discovered her new digs will not include positive and negative electrodes and the spinning of charged particles - that, like pyramids and chanting, can have a faux therapeutic effect on many a hypochondriac.
Tina is in a pickle. She has angered the powers that be in this world and finds herself without the accoutrements of a pampered life for the next 9 years. While her heavenly champions will make everyone pay in the afterlife, she has no equivalent champion on Earth that can influence the Colorado Correctional system to allow her to magnetize her mattress in the pokey.
What I propose is to generate a fund for the purchase of many, many small magnets that can be stuck to the frame of Tina’s bunk, so that the healing powers of magnetic attraction can pass through her 2 inch mattress pad and into her body. Thanking the heavens that Tina has no metal plates in her head, there should be no ill effects on her and her roomies.
Tina lost her bid for a private room – although her behavior foretells the expectation there may be periods of solitary confinement in her future – so avoiding a negative effect on nearby sources of cigarettes and bathtub gin is important.
We figure we can ship the magnets to Tina in her new home and she can place them in any design she sees fit - just no pentagrams! If there is a restriction on magnets, we can try to put them in a cake, being cautious not to get foodstuffs too close to anyone with braces or lots of fillings. If that is not an option, we will simply ship the magnets to Tina’s last residence or local Q-Anon chapter on file. Then her sycophants can bring them to her during visiting periods after stuffing their pockets with the little devils along with the new edition of MAGA Monthly.
I also plan on providing one of the magnets that will be approximately 8 to 10 millimeters taller than the rest (approximate size of a green pea) so that during their use, Tina can determine whether she is a princess by locating that larger magnet with her back. This should have no effect on her current belief that she is a queen.
So please help out a delusional, convicted felon, bring magnetic attraction to a Colorado correctional facility. If anything, she can trade magnets for gum or sodas. We will buy as many magnets as our funds allow.
Thank you for your continued support. /s
