A Word About the Future
FDR, 1944. Swap out Germany with MAGA Land…
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With Republicans having gone full fascist, all I can say is, gird thy loins and prepare to hold the line.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, November 14, 2024
Note: If you have an alternative universe, leave an alternate universe. If you need an alternative universe, take an alternative universe. But please don’t swipe the alternative universe dish, as it was a gift from my aunt. Thx. —Mgr.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til Pickle Day: 0!!!
Days 'til Julefest at Seattle's National Nordic Museum: 8
Year-over-year increase in light vehicle sales as of October: 4.5%
Factor by which methane has more planet-warming power than carbon dioxide: 80x
Years since methane in the atmosphere has been as high as it is now: 800,000
Amount awarded by a U.S. jury to three Abu Ghraib prisoners over their torture and abuse during the Iraq War: $42 million
Number of steps on the stoop of 123 Sesame Street: 6
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Speaking of what the rest of the world thinks of us, the [2004 election result] was nicely summed up by Britain's Daily Mirror with its classic tabloid headline, "How Can 59,054,087 People Be So DUMB?"
The Guardian just put a tiny, white-on-black headline: "Oh God."
I realize the "liberal elites" are not allowed to even quote the word "dumb" lest we be accused of "cultural condescension" toward our salt-of-the-earth red-state compatriots. Since I'm a populist happily living in the midst of a quite red state (some of my best friends are named Bubba), I never pay any attention to such horse poop. But I do resent it when the people running the country think we're so dumb they can rip us off and then tell us to pray.
—November 2004
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Poppin' for the pups…
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CHEERS to livin’ the livable life. Yesterday morning I climbed the rope ladder up to the attic, blew the dust off the pirate chest my forebears stole from Blackbeard (long story), and pulled out my magic bragging wand. I've been waving it in the faces of innocent bystanders ever since because, in the immortal words of some famous philosopher whose name escapes me at the moment: "We're number one. We're number one..."
Portland, Maine was ranked as the most livable metro area in the U.S.
A new analysis done by RentCafe.com named Portland as the most livable metro area, beating out Boston, for hitting a perfect balance between good living and location. The city's claim to fame, according to the study, are its opportunities for higher education and diversity of healthcare providers, among other things.
Home sweet home.
The study based livability on socioeconomics, location and community, and quality of life. Within these categories, they considered things like cost of living, unemployment rate, long commutes and food index.
Portland scored high in all three categories—11th in socioeconomics, and fifth in quality of life, location and community.
Still, I'm left with one niggling question: if Portland, Maine is the most livable city in America, how come our local paper publishes a bunch of obituaries every morning?
CHEERS to winning wolverines. We have another Senate race to report on, this time from the Great State of Michigan (my stomping grounds—Saginaw/Bay City—35 years ago). Democrat Elissa Slotkin faced Republican Mike Rogers and thrashed him seven ways to Sunday. While she's being fitted for her toga, let's consult the mighty Wikipedia and find out her whos, whys, wheres, hows, and whens:
» Born in NYC to Jewish parents. 48 years old.
Senator-elect Slotkin.
» Graduate of both Cornell(sociology) and Columbia (international affairs)
» Worked for the CIA, leaning on her fluency in both Swahili and Arabic
» Worked at State and Defense for President Obama
» Member of the U.S. House since 2019
» Slotkin is considered a "moderate" Democrat, so expect an occasional “WTF???” vote from her.
And this little tidbit: "Her family farm was part of Hygrade Meat Company, founded by her great-grandfather Samuel Slotkin, who emigrated from Minsk in 1900. Hygrade was the original company behind Ball Park Franks." This is significant. It means she'll have the background necessary to be comfortable around bloated vessels of crap packed into nearly-translucent fatty skin that ages poorly. Or as we prefer to call them: her MAGA colleagues.
CHEERS to home where the buffalo roam. Happy Birthday this week to Oklahoma! The "Hey, that state looks like a skillet!" state officially nabbed the 46th star on the flag 117 years ago. Fun facts: the state animal is the buffalo, the state insect is the honey bee, and the state flower is the Oklahoma rose, which is quite lovely:
Also: the state dinosaur is the Acrocanthosaurus atokensis, and the state rock is "rose barite," which you'll find in the greatest abundance between Senator Markwayne Mullin’s ears. (Hey, you go for the easy layups where you can get ‘em.)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Mary Had A Little Lamb. Back in the day, you could play that tune with the buttons on your touch-tone phone, which was invented on this date in 1963. It was almost as awesome as being able to spell out BOOBIES with your calculator by punching in 5318008 and turning it upside down. Man, we were wild back then. You kids have no idea.
THREADBARE JEERS to getting hit in the Louis Vuitton handbag. Look, people, I know you're reeling from the results of the election. I know you're frightened for the future of our rapidly-warming planet. I know you're concerned about hunger and housing. But I need you to put that aside for a moment. WIPE THEM FROM YOUR MIND! An even bigger calamity reared its ugly head this week, and you should know that a vulnerable segment of our population is hurting. Hurting real bad, they are…
The personal luxury goods market looks set to face its first slowdown since the Global Financial Crisis this year, as macroeconomic uncertainty and a pronounced slowdown in China weigh on consumer spending, according to the Bain & Company’s annual luxury report.
However, sales of pootie villas remain brisk.
This is the first slowdown in demand for personal luxury goods—which include clothing, bags, jewelry and cosmetics—in 15 years, excluding the Covid-19 lockdown period, according to the Wednesday findings. […]
Global economic uncertainty and inflationary pressures have emerged as common threads in the earnings reports of luxury labels this year, with LVMH, Burberry and Gucci-owner Kering all posting repeated revenue misses.
There is a bright spot however: apparently the well-to-do are still comfortably able to drown their sorrows in luxury cars, fancy trips, fine wines and gourmet meals, as sales of those are still robust. But it's gonna be touch-and-go for awhile. Which in their world means touching the intercom button in the cabin of their private jet and hissing at the pilot: "Go!"
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 14, 2014
CHEERS to cool science. In just a few hours, the Rosetta probe is going to park its butt on a comet named Churyumov-Gerasimenko Gesundheit—the cosmic equivalent, they say, of a bullet hitting a bullet. And then it'll...
…fire two harpoons into the comet's surface in order to anchor itself, as it will be without the aid of gravity to keep it in place. For the next part of its mission, the lander will drill down 8 inches into the comet's surface to take samples, and use its on-board laboratory to determine those samples' chemical properties and physical makeup. […]
Neato.
If all goes according to plan, not only will scientists receive the first direct measurements from inside a comet, but we will all be able to enjoy the first images taken from a comet's surface (which promise to be even more striking than the amazing images we've already received).
We'll be keeping a close eye on the cold, lifeless mass hurtling through space where nothing ever happens and if you spend too much time there without supplemental oxygen you'll die. But in addition to the return of Congress, we'll also be watching the probe land on that comet.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to sweet sounds. The 67th annual Grammy nominations were announced late last week and you can check out the nominees here. I always go to the narration category first, because there's a good chance it'll have an Obama or a Carter or a Maddow on it. And this year…there is!
One of Jimmy Carter’s Grammy Awards resides at the Carter Center in Atlanta. He may win another one!
Best Audio Book, Narration, and Storytelling Recording
My Name is Barbra—Barbra Streisand
Last Sundays in Plains: A Centennial Celebration—Jimmy Carter
Behind the Seams: My Life in Rhinestones—Dolly Parton
...and Your Ass Will Follow—George Clinton
All You Need is Love: The Beatles in Their Own Words—Various Artists
Arnold Palmer’s Dick: A Tribute—Donald Trump
That last one isn’t officially on the ballot yet, but Rudy Giuliani is suing in all 50 states to get it added, and when has he ever lost?
Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, and Ariana Grande got their usual 150 nominations each. Other notables on the Grammy list: Bela Fleck, Sheila E., The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Pearl Jam, and Windham, Maine’s own Amy Allen. The awards get handed out on February 2nd. And those kids better keep the noise down or I'm calling the police.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
The Ancient Practice Of Splashing In The Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool Is More Popular Than Ever
—USA Today
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