Late Night Snark: It Begins Edition
“Since the election, internet searches for ‘how to move abroad’ are up by more than one-thousand percent. … Additionally, U.S. searches for ‘move to Canada’ increased by 1,270 percent, making this a perfect time to debut my new reality show: Who Wants to Marry a Mountie? ”
—Stephen Colbert
"They let a man with 34 felonies lead the free world and be the president of the United States? That's it, I'm listening to R. Kelly again. I already do, but I'm gonna stop pretending I don't. If white people can elect their felons, I can dance to mine."
—Michael Che, SNL
“Trump picked Tulsi Gabbard to be Director of National Intelligence, which is a big job. It could interfere with her other job: working for Russian national intelligence.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
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“Wildlife officials in Illinois recently rescued a coyote with a plastic jug stuck on its head. And this is cool: Trump nominated it for Secretary of Transportation.”
—Seth Meyers
“Kristi Noem for Homeland Security? Are you fucking kidding me? She’s supposed to get the border under control? She couldn’t even train her dog. … I will say Noem does have experience striking fear in the hearts of terrorists. Wait, I read that wrong. Terriers."
—The Daily Show's Jordan Klepper
“Melania Trump is unlikely to move into the White House full-time for Trump’s second term. When asked when she will be at the White House, Melania said: ‘Whenever my husband is at Mar-a-Lago.' ”
—Jimmy Fallon
That’s amore. And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 15, 2024
Note: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Unless you’re dead, because then we’re getting into really creepy territory. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til winter: 36
Days 'til the Cheese and Meat Artisan Food Festival in Portland, Oregon: 8
Drop in grocery prices in October, the first drop since January 2020: 0.1%
Amount for which Just Eat Takeaway bought Grub Hub in 2020: $7.3 billion
Amount for which Wonder Group bought Grub Hub from Just Eat Takeaway this week: $650 million
Minimum number of new signups at Twitter rival Bluesky in just the last 24 hours, according to Bluesky: 1 million
First year a turkey was pardoned by a president (George H.W. Bush) for Thanksgiving: 1989
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I know the feeling...
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CHEERS to Bidenomics in action...again. Going down our checklist one more time: Low unemployment? (Check.) Unions making major gains on wages and benefits? (Check.) Personal income up? (Check.) America's infrastructure and tech sectors expanding? (Check.) Green energy initiatives fueling economic growth? (Check.) Gas prices down? (Check.) Wall Street gains fattening retirement accounts? (Check.) And the big one: inflation in check? Let's check:
Wholesale prices nudged higher in October, though largely in line with expectations and mostly consistent with the Federal Reserve cutting interest rates again in December, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported Thursday.
On a 12-month basis, headline wholesale inflation was at 2.4%.
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Though the readings are above the Fed's 2% inflation goal, the trend is showing that price increases are generally moderating and inflation is being pushed by isolated factors.
Bottom line: with two more months of Bidenomics ahead of us, at this rate we're gonna need to order more checks.
CHEERS to funny business. File this under Did Not See This Comin'. Conspiracy shit-stain Alex Jones, who claimed that the Sandy Hook massacre of 20 kids was faked and then got sued by the parents and lost his media empire in court, found out yesterday that the new owner of InfoWars is exactly who it should be…
The Onion, the satirical news company that repeatedly spoofed conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, has won the bankruptcy auction for control over his media empire—most notably InfoWars, the far-right, conspiracy-minded website that served as Jones' primary online platform. […]
Touchdown, The Onion.
The Onion plans to shutter Jones' InfoWars and rebuild the website featuring well-known internet humor writers and content creators, according to a person with knowledge of the sale. […]
Funds generated from the sale are meant to satisfy Jones’ estate creditors, comprised largely of victims’ families of the 2012 Sandy Hook shooting to whom he must pay damages in defamation verdicts.
Now, for the first time, I get to say: "I swear this is The Onion."
CHEERS to that people-powered dude. Since I know you appreciate being made to feel old, here's a fun fact: when Howard Dean's 2004 presidential campaign—the catalyst for bringing so many of us here to Daily Kos—was shifting into high gear, he was but a lad of 56. Sunday he finds 76 candles on his birthday cake.
Happy Birthday, big guy.
The former Vermont governor (first in the nation to sign same-sex civil unions into law—a quaint milestone, but groundbreaking at the time) became the loudest 2004 candidate to rail against the warmongering Bush II regime at a time when too many Democratic leaders were still searching for their spines. (His 2003 speech in Sacramento remains one of the most influential barn burners in modern political history.)
Of course, we all know Governor Dean met his Waterloo after he uttered "Yeah" in Iowa at a higher volume than is allowed in polite political society. He then went on to become the chairman of the DNC, unleashing a radical strategy that would give the Democratic party a robust presence in all 50 states, and remains forever a card-carrying Kossack. So when you're pouring out a drinky tonight (may we recommend a cocktail made with pure Vermont maple syrup?), hoist it and send a happy birthday toast to ol’ Doc Dean. And you should also get together and bake him a cake. After all, YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour...!!!
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to TIME. During this week 26 years ago, in 1998, the magazine provided lengthy coverage of the spectacular implosion and resignation of House Speaker Newt Gingrich. Margaret Carlson sums up that blissful week:
Friday was the day he died a Washington death, stripping himself of power and becoming in that instant just a guy in a suburban tract house in Marietta, Ga., carrying out the trash.
We all should have seen his resignation coming when, on Tuesday night, he came out swinging at the media, blaming them for his party's shellacking. With Nixonian petulance, he rejected suggestions that his party tanked because he had put all its eggs in Monica's basket. Well, the media charge is laughably bogus. Yet what else is there to do but grasp at scapegoats when, in the blink of an eye, the discussion moves from "Can Clinton Survive?" to whether you can?
And today isn't a federal holiday because...???
CHEERS to home vegetation. Ahhh...the airwaves are blessedly free of obnoxious political ads, clearing the way for a weekend of blissful boob-tubage during which we’ll only have to contend with obnoxious drug ads. We’ll be doing our usual Star Trek (original series) live-tweeting via #allstartrek at 8 as we watch tonight’s episode on the H&I Network. AEI senior fellow Kori Schake talks with Margaret Hoover on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30.
The synchronized raking finals air on ESPN-347
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (I’m currently watching Ridley Scott’s new director’s cut of Napoleon at Apple-plus and it’s much better than the original cut.) The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NFL schedule is here. Charli XCX does double duty as host and musical guest on SNL.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: reports on the continued effort to identify victims of the 9/11 attacks, and why nine percent of the population of Bhutan has left the kingdom. Bart makes a new friend on The Simpsons. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny—which isn’t horrible but didn’t need to get made—airs Sunday night at 8 on ABC. And then enjoy your fill of John Oliver Sunday night at 11 during another edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight. Other than that, everything on every channel is college football.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: House minority leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Sen. Markwayne Mullin (Fascist-OK).
A more productive Sunday morning activity.
This Week: Sen.-elect Elissa Slotkin (D-MI); Rep. Tony Gonzales (Fascist-TX); Former Acting Director, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Dr. Richard Besser; Former US Attorney for Southern District of New York Preet Bharara.
Face the Nation: Rep. Jim Himes of the House Intelligence Committee (D-CT); Gov. Andy Beshear (D-KY); Principal Deputy Director of National Intelligence Sue Gordon.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA); Senator-elect Ruben Gallego (D-AZ); Antichrist and House Speaker Mike Johnson (Fascist-LA).
Fox Fascism Sunday: Mike Johnson; Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 15, 2014
CHEERS to getting a clean bill of health. New York is now Ebola-free. So is Maine. So is Texas. So is America. So if you're looking for something to be irrationally afraid of, I'm afraid you'll have to move on to something else. Mine is fear of you moving on to something else to be afraid of. Whatever it is, please make sure it fits in a hazmat suit.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to cleansing your cosmic soul. Cast your eyes heavenward late this weekend and you might see, in spite of the full moon, some wowee-zowee fireworks in the sky. The Leonid Brezhnev meteor shower—which happens every time Earth plays footsies with Comet Tempel-Tuttle and its debris field—is entering its most Leonidinicious period Sunday night:
The Leonids are a modest shower producing up to approximately 15 meteors per hour.
Thunder is God bowling. Meteor showers are God playing Atari’s ‘Missile Command.’
The Leonids are considered some of the fastest meteors, zipping through the sky at 44 miles per second, according to NASA. They can also result in impressive fireballs producing long, bright and colorful meteor streaks.
You don't need any telescopes or binoculars as the secret to a good meteor viewing experience is to take in as much sky as possible. Make sure to allow about 30 minutes for your eyes to adjust to the dark.
As I like to say, everyone loves watching meteor showers because they’re beautiful, unite Americans in a common activity, and make lots of people happy and curious about the universe and the wonders of science. Which explains why the incoming administration plans to introduce a constitutional amendment banning all future meteor showers.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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