Late Night Snark: Brain Cell School Dropouts Edition
“This week Donald Trump continued to announce everyone he’s going to fire in six months.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“So far he’s made a number of cabinet picks whose main qualification seems to be being on TV. His Defense Secretary is a guy from Fox & Friends Weekend, his Transportation Secretary is a guy from Fox Business, and his Attorney General is a guy who I’m pretty sure was on To Catch a Predator.”
—The Daily Show’s Desi Lydic
“Fun fact—the new Secretary of Education nominee has no teaching background. But you know what they say: ‘Those who can, do. Those who can’t, get a job in the Trump administration.'”
—Stephen Colbert
Matt who?
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“Matt Gaetz is out? But his nomination was only eight days old! Once again, he can’t even make it to 18.”
—Seth Meyers
”I’m gonna do a one-act play called Joe and Mika Go to Mar-a-Lago:
‘Mr. President, your rhetoric is outrageous! I cannot in good conscience… Ooh, are those macaroons??? Nom nom nom nom… The pink one is raspberry!’ ”
—Jon Stewart
“New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy has declared a drought warning, and has urged residents to reduce water consumption. Which isn’t a big deal since New Jersey residents only bathe in CVS cologne.”
—Michael Che, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 22, 2024
Note: For those of you cooking Thanksgiving turkeys weighing over 200 pounds, tomorrow's the day to pop 'em in the oven. And also the day to realize you're going to need a bigger oven.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til 2025: 40
Days 'til the Creede Chocolate Festival in Colorado: 7
Business spending on artificial intelligence this year, up 500% from last year: $13.8 billion
Number of terms Ohio congresswoman Marcy Kaptur will complete when she finishes the term for which she was just reelected: 22
Estimated number of Bluesky users: 22 million
Age of Campbell's Soup, which announced this week it's changing its name to Campbell's Co.: 155
Percent of sweet potato production that happens in North Carolina: 64%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A prediction...
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CHEERS to Bidenomics in action...again. Going down our checklist one more time to remind ourselves what the idiots out there voted against when they snubbed Joe’s vice president, who would’ve kept the boom times booming:
» Low unemployment
» Unions making major gains on wages and benefits
» Personal income up
» America's infrastructure and tech sectors expanding
Also: most pro-union president ever.
» Green energy initiatives fueling economic growth
» Gas prices down
» Wall Street gains fattening retirement accounts
» Inflation rate the envy of the civilized world
And two more we can add: weekly unemployment claims dropped again, and existing home sales are up for the first time in three years. It’s very exciting. Thanks to Joe, we’ll have a road map for what to do after his successor trashes the place (again) and we have to pick up the pieces after a Republican presidency (again). You’re pre-welcome, America.
JEERS to high hopes crashing into the sea. Sorry, folks. The mystery of Amelia Earhart shall remain mysterious for a bit longer. But it was a noble attempt:
Sonar imagery captured in January revealed a plane-shaped anomaly on the seafloor about 100 miles away from the Pacific Ocean’s Howland Island—the next location where Earhart was expected to land before she was declared lost at sea. […]
After returning to the site on November1, Deep Sea Vision—an ocean exploration company based in Charleston, South Carolina, that captured the original sonar image—has identified the object to be a natural rock formation.
I still say they should check Bigfoot's cabin. But does anyone listen to me? Nooooooo…….
Happy birthday, Denver.
CHEERS to November 22. Lots of good things happened on this date in history: pirate Blackbeard's reign of terror ended when he was caught. (The government Terror Threat Alert Level was lowered from "Skull and Crossbones" to "Peg Leg and Pint of Grog"); Ravel's ravishing Bolero was performed for the first time; the Germans were surrounded at Stalingrad; Margaret Thatcher retired; Billy Jean King, Rodney Dangerfield, Hoagy Carmichael, Mark Ruffalo, Terry Gilliam and Jamie Lee Curtis were born; the Humane Society set up shop on behalf of pooties and woozles everywhere; Denver was founded; The Beatles released The White Album; steel-shaft golf clubs were patented; and Toy Story premiered. Nothing else happened on November 22, according to Selective Amnesiapedia. And y’know what? I'm inclined to go along with it.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to...hic!...#29. 103 years ago tomorrow, in 1921, President Warren Harding lost my vote by signing the Willis-Campbell Act, which clamped down on doctors who prescribed beer or liquor for medicinal purposes. That's why today C&J does all of its own self-diagnosing. It’s been touch-and-go for awhile. We went through several prescription pads while suffering from a chronic case of Irrational Infrastructure Week Exuberance, and now we’re suffering from an acute case of Dear God Make The Beltway Pundits Shut Their Pie Holes Syndrome. Thank god when I asked my inner Dr. Billy, he told me that, yes, Bacardi 151 was right for me. And then I tossed myself a lime to prevent scurvy. Can’t wait ‘til I get to try my hand at self-open-heart surgery—forty more payments and that chainsaw on Amazon Prime is all mine.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If we can pull ourselves away from churning out our annual stack of 8,000 CHRISTmas cards on our Guttenberg press, we might get in some TV time this weekend. We’ll start at 8 on the H&I Network with our usual Friday night Star Trek live-tweeting (soon to be live-Blueskying) via hashtag #allstartrek—tonight Scotty gets tossed around by invisible aliens as he tries to save his new squeeze. On Firing Line at 8:30 (PBS), the guest is Sebastien Lai, whose father Jimmy is on trial in Hong Kong for alleged national security crimes. And speaking of PBS, keep an eye out for the series finale of Ken Burns’ new doc Leonardo da Vinci.
Opens today in theaters to rave reviews. Gonna make a billion dollars like magic.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NFL schedule is here. Tomorrow night at 8 ET you can catch the Washington Spirit vs. the Orlando Pride in the National Women’s Soccer League championship (CBS). Every other channel is airing a college football game.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: reports on a new “anti-woke” university in Austin that will inevitably fail and result in jail terns for its owners, and the latest on our new supreme overlords (aka Artificial Intelligence). A special 1950s-centric Treehouse of Horror episode of The Simpsons starts at 8 on Fox. And then it’s off to bed, right after you drink your Ovaltine and say your prayers to Satan.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senator-elect (Yay!) Adam Schiff (D-CA) and Sen. Eric Schmitt (Fascist Scum-MO).
Caution: watching the hosts of these shows and their pundit nitwit enablers may result in technical difficulties with your TV via flying shoes.
This Week: Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Bill Hagerty (Fascist Scum-TN); Rep, Jasmine Crockett (D-TX).
Face the Nation: Senators Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) and Aqua Buddha (Fascist Scum-KY); former national security adviser Lt. Gen. HR McMaster (Ret).
CNN's State of the Union: Sens. Tammy Duckworth (D-IL), Markwayne Mullin (Fascist Scum-OK) and James Lankford (Fascist Scum-OK).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. John Barrasso (Fascist Scum-WY) and John Fetterman (D-PA); Rep. Mike Waltz (Fascist Scum-FL).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 22, 2014
CHEERS to swatting down the pests. My late grandmother, bless her soul, had a homespun saying she cross-stitched into a doily back in 1972: If they ever make drones that people can fly around taking pictures and whatnot, no good can come of it. You'll all poke your eyes out. Sounds like someone listened:
Overturning a federal judge's ruling that the Federal Aviation Administration had overstepped in fining a man $10,000 for flying a small drone, the National Transportation Safety Board says the agency has the authority to regulate such drones. […]
The current case stems from a complaint that said Pirker flew his Ritewing Zephyr drone at altitudes from 10 feet above ground to 1,500 feet above ground—and "directly towards an individual standing on a ... sidewalk causing the individual to take immediate evasive maneuvers so as to avoid being struck."
Americans love to play with things that destroy stuff and harm people. (See also: guns, steamrollers, Pop Rocks mixed with Diet Coke.) So I'm glad they're trying to get ahead of this cluster-you-know-what in the making. By the way, my grandmother also cross-stitched a doily back in '75 that says "God Bless President Santorum." I admit that one worries me more. A lot more.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to hot wheels. The Oscars of the auto world were announced last week, and Motor Trend has bestowed its 2025 Car of the Year award to…a classy little day-spa on wheels with a classy little $66,000 price tag:
It's a dependable constant, always what you need when you need it, nothing more, nothing less. For those reasons and more, this year’s Golden Calipers go to what might just be the best midsize luxury car of the 21st century: the 10th-generation Mercedes-Benz E-Class. […]
Purrs like a kitten.
Practically speaking, the new E-Class is more thoughtfully designed around people and their things than before. The center console, for instance, features a hidden wireless phone slot and foldaway front cupholders, allowing more space for various odds and ends. [...]
It’s neither ostentatious nor showy, showcasing its worth to you rather than telegraphing it for the world to see. More than that, it excelled in our six criteria to a greater extent than any other contender, and that’s the biggest reason why it took home the Golden Calipers, its second win in less than five years.
Plus this car actually comes with an engine that's got tubes and wires and spinny things and suchlike. The brochure boasts that it goes from 0 to 60 in only 4.7 seconds. Big deal. I once had a beat-up old Chevy Chevette that could do it in 2.4. Once we found a decent cliff to push it off of.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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