He’s Gonna Need More Yarn
Via The Daily Show, conspiracy chaser Kevin Matthew Kelp “pulls back the curtain on the government's grand plan to warp people's minds with compromised turkey.” It’ll make all those pardons suddenly make sense...
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That’s why Michael and I play it safe every year by ordering takeout from Raw Milk A’ Go-Go.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, November 26, 2024
Note: Here’s what you can expect C&J-wise for the rest of the week: regular C&J tomorrow, special Thanksgiving edition Thursday morning, Who Won The Week poll Friday evening, back Monday, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria, and Grandma’s olive and sour-apple marshmallow Jello which you will eat because she worked on it over two consecutive weekends and put it through a thorough EPA inspection. Thank you. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til Jane Addams Day: 14
Days 'til the Festival of Ice in Lewiston, Pennsylvania: 9
Average amount holiday shoppers are expected to spend this year, up 8 percent from last year according to the National Retail Federation: $1,778
Increase in veterinary costs over the last decade: 60%
Average cost of Thanksgiving dinner for ten people this year, down 5 percent from last year and the lowest in three years: $58.08
Rank of this year among cheapest for Thanksgiving dinner prices, adjusted for inflation, since the American Farm Bureau Federation tracking survey began in 1984: #1
Number of turkeys who will slay their captors this week and escape on motorcycles: 23
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Today's lesson in good manners…
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CHEERS to gettin' outta Dodge. Thanksgiving is looming like a 20-pound platter of mashed potatoes, and Triple-A predicts that there’s a 90% chance travelers will scream, curse and smell kinda gamey between now and next Tuesday. Triple-A also says more of us will be on the roads and airborne sardine cans compared to last year:
AAA projects 79.9 million travelers will head 50 miles or more from home over the Thanksgiving holiday travel period. For the first time, AAA’s forecast includes the Tuesday before and the Monday after Thanksgiving Day to better capture the flow of holiday travelers. This year’s projection of nearly 80 million travelers is an increase of 1.7 million people compared to last year and 2 million more than in 2019.
If you see this on the road, your best advice is to slow down and give Justice Sotomayor a wide berth.
“Thanksgiving is the busiest holiday for travel, and this year we’re expecting to set new records across the board, from driving to flying and cruising,” said Stacey Barber, Vice President of AAA Travel.
Gas prices are lower this Thanksgiving season compared to 2023. The national average last Thanksgiving Day was $3.26. Falling oil prices this autumn may help push the national average below $3 a gallon for the first time since 2021, and that could happen before drivers hit the road for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving air travel is also expected to set a new record. AAA projects 5.84 million people will fly domestically this holiday.
If you'll be among the road-trippers, please be safe and practice proper driving etiquette: the right hand is for texting, the left hand is for flipping the bird, and your lap is for your tablet so you can binge-watch stuff on Netflix.
CHEERS to justice. President Biden granted full and unconditional pardons to a pair of turkeys named Peach and Blossom yesterday:
There was a brief moment of confusion when the birds had to be rescued from a supply closet after being kidnapped by—[checks notes]—Matt Gaetz and Rudy Giuliani in turkey suits.
CHEERS to gratitudinalizin'. Speaking of Thanksgiving, on November 26, 1789 A national Day of Publick Thanksgivin—calling for "sincere and humble thanks" for the adoption of our Constitution—was observed in the United States as approved by Congress and drawn up formally by President George "Honest Abe" Washington. Everybody bowed their heads and expressed their gratitude for the greatest miracle of all: Congress actually approved something.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
(NSFW)
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to caging our planet-mates. On November 26, 1716 the first African lion was put on exhibition in Boston. The notes of the first reporter who covered the event read:
"Entering the cage, one gets a feeling that one is among the friendliest of pussy cats. The eyes of this magnificent beast exude warmth, hospitality, and a soul that can only be described as harmlesghfjbvhasduighghh…nn n"
There may have been more, but that's the only part of the notepad the lion pooped out the next day. Plus the pencil. And the fedora with the PRESS card in it.
JEERS to today's edition of Somebody Please Deport This Dumbass. Last week former NBC News anchor Brian Williams, speaking in lockstep with so many other sniping pundits who think they know it all, opened his gob on national TV and said:
"I think the biggest unforced error of the Biden administration, by far, was the border. To tell people it’s not a problem is insulting."
Yeah, three points, Brian: 1) Biden never said it wasn't a problem. 2) Democrats and Republicans were all set to pass a strong immigration bill co-sponsored by MAGA cultist Senator Jim Lankford of Oklahoma, but Trump had it killed it by threatening his own party members. And 3) What Williams appears to be saying is that President Biden should've gaslighted the American people about the border situation. Because you know what? This:
Unlawful crossings at the U.S.-Mexico border are on track to drop to a new low for the Biden administration in November, according to internal Customs and Border Protection figures obtained by CBS News. [...]
If the trend holds, illegal border crossings in November will be below the 54,000 apprehensions logged by Border Patrol in September, the current Biden-era low. The last time illegal border crossings were lower was in the summer of 2020, when theCOVID-19 pandemic sharply reduced migration.
Trump could very well inherit a border that is relatively quiet.
This has been today's edition of Somebody Please Deport This Dumbass.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 26, 2014
CHEERS to bouncing off the walls in space. Italy and astronauts. Two words you don't often see in the same sentence, but when you do, you can count on there being a damn good reason:
[Monday] morning, Italy’s first female astronaut [Samantha Cristoforetti] arrived at the International Space Station, carrying—well, more accurately, clutching in her arms like a first-born child-—the first zero-g Certified Italian Espresso coffee machine. The machine, called the ISSpresso, was created by a couple of Italian companies after another Italian astronaut returned from the space station in 2012 and complained about the lack of good coffee while in Earth orbit. … The good times that will be enjoyed over a hot plastic pouch of perk are expected to go a long way towards reducing the extreme isolation and stress that astronauts experience aboard the ISS.
And if the espresso machine doesn't improve morale, next year they'll send up Silvio Berlusconi and his traveling toga party.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. 48 hours and counting ‘til the start of Family Dysfunction Awareness Day. To prepare your nerves for the maelstrom that awaits, Conan O’Brien offers a helpful reminder of some of the pilgrims you might find yourself sitting across from Thursday afternoon...
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If the stress and cacophony get to be too much and you want to make a graceful exit, just use the magic words that have never failed me since the age of two: "Oops. I just remembered. I have a thing."
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"For me, it's pumpkin pie and Cheers and Jeers. So that's the first thing that's happening on Thanksgiving."
—Jason Momoa
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