Pre-gobble gobble preparations
No pardon for this one:
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Wherever your travels take you over the holidays—whether by plane, train, automobile, blimp, or a twisted-up blunt on your living room couch—have a safe and stuffy-facey one. In fact, go ahead...take the rest of the day off.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 27, 2024
Note: Here's the C&J schedule for the rest of the week. There will be a special C&J tomorrow, which I'll sing to you opera-style at 3am under your bedroom window unless my alarm doesn’t go off in which case I'll just post it here when I wake up. No formal C&J Friday evening, but we’ll post a "who won the week" poll in the diaries. Back Monday. If you won’t be around tomorrow, have a great turkey day. If you feel slight tremors late tomorrow afternoon, that's just me out on a post-dinner waddle.
—Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
10 days!!!
Days 'til Festivus: 26
Days 'til Chester Greenwood Day in Farmington, Maine: 10
Age at which Chester Greenwood got a patent for his new invention called "earmuffs": 19
Minimum number of countries in which Amazon workers will be striking on Black Friday to protest the behemoth's "anti-worker and anti-democratic practices": 20
Current office vacancy rate in the U.S. according to Moody's: 20%
Square feet of office space that are empty: 900 million
Number of Republican congress members who will get their head stuck in a can of cranberry sauce tomorrow, including Lauren Boebert: 13
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 5 volcanoes and 1 delightful new name for the December 25 holiday). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: They grow up so fast…
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CHEERS to C&J's Joke Of The Day. This one is so hot it’s ripped from the latest headlines: A deranged fascist, a lifelong crook, and a sexual predator walk into the dining room at Mar-a-Lago for dinner. The server walks over to the table and says, "Good evening, Mr. Trump, what’ll ya have?"
I’ll show myself out.
CHEERS to doing our part. Climate change. What is it? How does it work? What's causing it? Can it be stopped? Who pays for it? What's the timeline? Ha ha ha, you little people and your questions. Relax…after January 20th none of it will matter. But in the meantime, here in Maine we're ramping up our climate-calming actions, as if blissfully unaware that the new federal administration will outlaw all climate efforts at the state level on Day One or YOU'LL BE SENT TO THE GULAG:
Gov. Janet Mills joined by members of the Maine Climate Council met in Bath to unveil an updated version of the "Maine Won't Wait" climate action plan. The hefty 189-page report builds upon its 2020 predecessor and lays out steps to take over the next four years. […]
Not an endangered species. Yet.
Key areas of focus within the report include building more resilient communities with the help of funding, an increase in land conservation, and a push toward clean energy. While Maine has already made strides in incentivizing heat pump installations, the updated plan emphasizes further reducing reliance on fossil fuels by modernizing homes and businesses with sustainable energy solutions. […]
"We have made progress on every goal we set in 2020," Hannah Pingree of the Governor's Office of Policy and Innovation said. "Many of the 2030 targets are within reach, and we’re on the right trajectory."
The #1 priority to bring down noxious gases quickly: stick a sock in the mouth of every MAGA cultist in the state. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! (No need to get up, Constable Musk. I'll show myself to the gulag, thanks. I trust there's valet parking for my ox cart.)
JEERS to cutting off our precious bodily fluids. On this date in 1942, with the approval of FDR, coffee rationing began in the United States and lasted until Germany and Japan were defeated. Meanwhile, our longest war ever—Afghanistan—which President Biden ended a few years back, surpassed that of World War II by over 15 years, yet neither We The People (men and women in uniform excepted) nor our corporate overlords were asked to sacrifice anything. Not coffee, not gas, nor rubber nor tin nor leather nor nothin'. The only logical conclusion: old man FDR sure was a mean old meanie.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to famous firsts. 95 years ago this week, in 1929, Commander Richard Byrd became the first non-bird to fly over the South Pole. A friend of mine did that, too, until the weed wore off and he realized he was still in his mom's basement.
CHEERS to Joseph R. Biden Jr.: Glorious And Most Supreme Peacebroker Among All Generations To Come For Eternity!!! Galloping forth on his trusty white steed Fortitude under that loving gaze of OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, the God-appointed United States president charged into the maelstrom vexing the Middle East and, without breaking a sweat or dangling a participle, fixed it all so beautifully and quickly that everyone had tears in their eyes and said "Oh, sir, thank you, thank you, you are the greatest human of all time, and that includes Lincoln with the hat." All in a day's work for the Scrapper from Scranton:
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will convene his security cabinet on Tuesday and hold a vote on a cease-fire deal that could end more than a year of fighting across the Israeli-Lebanese border, an Israeli official told ABC News. The cabinet is expected to approve the U.S.-brokered deal. […]
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An Israeli source with knowledge of the deal's details told ABC News that the 60-day cease-fire would see all Israeli forces withdraw from Lebanon in phases, with Hezbollah retreating beyond the Litani River around 18 miles north of the Israeli border.
[T]he possible cease-fire deal would be a major diplomatic achievement after nearly 14 months of war and almost 4,000 total deaths--the vast majority Lebanese--on both sides of the shared border.
Mount Rushmore, here he comes.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 27, 2014
CHEERS to a glimmer of happiness on the civil rights front. Yesterday afternoon a federal judge in Arkansas struck down the state's ban on gay marriage:
U.S. District Judge Kristine Baker said that the voter-approved 2004 amendment that restricts gay marriage restrict same-sex couples' "fundamental right to marry" in violation of the 14th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. She added the ban also imposes "unconstitutional classifications on the basis of gender," in violation of the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment. […]
Voters in 2004 resoundingly approved Amendment 83 defining marriage in Arkansas as between one man and one woman.
Arkansas is a good example of how scattershot the legal process over same-sex marriage has been: Judge Baker is letting her ruling simmer on the back burner pending appeal. But the state Supreme Court is already mulling over a separate case that could break anytime. But 500 gay couples managed to get legally married during the little window of opportunity they had in May between a county judge's ruling and a stay on that decision. So now the unmarried gays are second-class to the married gays, but all the gays are still second-class to the married and unmarried straights because in Arkansas being gay can still get you fired. Got all that? Next time I'll just draw a chart.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to mostly smooth sailing. If you're traveling today in your Bell & Howell electric jetpack, you’re in for some rainy weather along the east coast and northwest during your flight. But other than that, it looks pretty good. Meanwhile this is what the Turkey Day map looks like, according to the National Weather Service's Atari 2600 forecast computer:
The gays, feminists and pagans are quick to point out, by the way, that any weather messes this holiday are not their fault. Responsibility rests solely on the homophobes, the Nazis, the KKK, and their cousins Q-Anon and the conservative Bible thumpers. It’s residual from their huge early loss after Matt Gaetz’s AG faceplant, hence the overall holiday outlook: partly pouty with scattered annoying snowflakes.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"If you get comfortable over Thanksgiving, maybe over pumpkin pie and a little booze, there’s no reason we can’t splash in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. "
—Alexander Heffner
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