Jake:
Well, you finally won an election, how do you feel about that?
Trump:
I won all the elections, especially 2020.
Jake:
Now you know that's not true. You even admitted just within the last month that you lost by a sliver.
Trump:
It was a small sliver, not like the ones you get from a piece of wood. If they counted all the votes and didn't cheat, it would have been like this election
Jake:
So, you don't think there was cheating this time?
Trump:
It was a free and fair election, so of course I won.
Jake:
You don't think the Russian interference and bomb threats had any effect?
Trump:
Russia, Russia, Russia. Hoax, hoax, hoax. Babble, babble, babble. Dribble, dribble, dribble. Three point shot.
Jake:
What?
Trump:
I could have been an NBA All Star. You know when you're an All Star, they let you do anything.
Jake:
What do mean by anything?
Trump:
Thanks to the Supreme Court, I really can do anything. I can send the police, the National Guard and military after anyone I want.
Jake:
That sounds like an abuse of power. Don't you think you should lighten up on the threats now that you've won?
Trump:
Where's the fun in that? I didn't run for president for my health. Now I can abuse power like nobody's ever seen before. I'll have the best abuse of any president, except maybe for Nixon. He really stuck it to them.
Jake:
Uh, Mr. President, you do remember that Nixon resigned in disgrace before the House could impeach him?
Trump:
They were very corrupt and nasty to treat him that way. He could have had them all shot!
Jake:
Just like you said you would do to Liz Cheney and fake news journalists.
Trump:
You're fake news. Let me get out my Sharpie and draw a target on your back.
Jake:
Mr. President! Have you no shame?
Trump;
No. I like having the morals of an alley cat and the power of a god. And you know those Haitians are eating the alley cats and other pets, too.
Jake:
You know that's been completely debunked.
Trump:
JD told it to me, so it must be true.
Jake:
He admitted he made it up.
Trump:
But it could be true. Illegal immigrants are rapists, criminals and thugs.
Jake:
Actually, statistics show that they commit fewer crimes than U.S citizens.
Trump:
Who do you trust? A bunch of lying statistics or what I make up out of thin air?
Jake:
I have this desire to use facts, not alternative realities. Patrick Daniel Moynihan said, "You have a right to your own opinion, but you don't have a right to your own facts."
Trump:
He's dead, right?
Jake:
Yes. What has that got to do with it?
Trump:
Consider the source. Dead men tell no tales.
Jake:
Did you just watch a Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
Trump:
How did you guess? Johnny Depp looks kind of weird with the eyeliner and makeup.
Jake:
Some people have said JD Vance is using eyeliner. But let's get back to what you plan to do in your presidency. What do think you will get done in your first 100 days?
Trump:
Fire everybody with bad blood and hire everybody with good blood. Because there are nasty people poisoning our blood.
Jake:
You've said that too many times. Don't you understand that you're sending your militia out to attack people that aren't white?
Trump:
I told 'em to stand back and stand by. It's time to get out of stand by and hit the accelerator. Put the pedal to the metal.
Jake:
Is violence your solution to everything?
Trump:
Like I said. Dead men tell no tales.
Jake:
What about the rest of your 100 day plans?
Trump:
Drill, baby, drill. Frack, frack, frack.
Jake:
That's it?
Trump:
Okay, and play golf a lot.
Jake:
Didn't you already not work more than 4 hours a day in your first term?
Trump:
I'm going to put a putting green on the White House North Lawn and put a couple of full sized holes at Lafayette Square. I'll get much more done that way. No travel time.
Jake:
I'm sure the American people will be relieved. What else?
Trump:
I've got my hit list. I mean my enemies list. I mean the radical left lunatic democrats I need to kill, I mean work with and break their spirit so they stay out of my way.
Jake:
You realize you're talking like a dictator?
Trump:
I promised everybody on day one.
Jake:
But you said only for one day.
Trump:
Changed my mind. Think I should do it for the whole term.
Jake:
Is that because you'll get more done?
Trump:
Nah. Dictators have the best uniforms with scrambled eggs on their cap, epaulets, lots of medals and ribbons.
Jake:
Those are usually awarded for actions in battle and service.
Trump:
I'm still trying to figure out how to get me one of those Congressional Medals of Honor.
Jake:
That's only awarded for bravery in action.
Trump:
I try to get some action every time Melania isn't looking.
Jake:
Mr. President!
Trump waves toward the camera.
Trump:
Sorry honey, I was just kidding...
Jake:
What else in your first 100 days?
Trump:
Appoint a lot of judges that will enforce parts of the Constitution I like, like the Second Amendment. I'll get rid of the green new scam and give tax breaks to fossil fuel polluters. I'll get rid of every executive order that Biden made and the ones he was thinking about.
Jake:
Those don't sound like very positive accomplishments.
Trump:
Who cares? I'm the one in charge. If you don't like it, move to another country.
Jake:
That might be half the population of the United States.
Trump:
That's great, there'll be a lot more job openings.
Jake:
Is that all? Revenge?
Trump:
Why not? I'll have to get rid of all of those ACLU lawyers and members before they cause trouble. Then I've got nothing stopping me.
Jake:
What about Congress and the Justice Department?
Trump:
They're a bunch of toadies too afraid to do anything against me. They know what will happen if they do. Doobie, doobie, do.
Jake:
That's yabba, dabba, do. The Flintstones.
Trump:
No. I meant doobie, doobie, do. Frank Sinatra. He was was a real star. You know they let you do anything if you're a star.
Jake:
I think I've heard you say that before.
Trump:
You can eat with your fingers. You can pick your nose in public. You can stick your gum under tables. You can spit at your enemies. These are a few of my favorite things.
Jake:
Rogers and Hammerstein.
Trump:
What?
Jake:
The song. My Favorite Things.
Trump:
Oh. I thought you were talking about my Jewish bookkeepers. With yarmukes. Never let Blacks touch my money.
Jake:
I've heard that you said that before, too. Have you got anything concrete to say about your plans for the first 100 days?
Trump:
Yeah. A lot of people are going to find themselves with concrete galoshes pushed off of bridges. Getting rid of enemies is an official act. Thank you Supreme Court.
Jake:
Have you got anything positive that you can say you'll do?
Trump:
I'm positive I'm going to make so much more money being president again it'll make your head swim. Vladimir will help me get a new hotel built in Moscow. Mohammad bin Salman will give billions to Jared that I'll get after I leave office, or maybe before. I haven't figured out which yet.
Jake:
There was a rumor that you were selling pardons for $2 million dollars a piece at the end of your last term. Going to pick up on that business again?
Trump:
Don't be insulting. It'll be $10 million this time.
Jake:
Doesn't this sort of run afoul of your calling Joe Biden and his family the Biden crime family when you're doing it right out in the open?
Trump:
Jake, you just keep forgetting I can do anything as long as I call it an official act.
Jake:
You did things like the election interference hush money case before you became president. You got 34 felonies on your record from that.
Trump:
Details, shmetales, I'm president now and that's all that counts.
Jake:
You don't seem adverse to admitting to crimes, now.
Trump:
So who's going to stop me?
Jake:
The American people, the justice system, congress.
Trump:
Don't make me laugh. Oh, that's right I never laugh. I never have a smile on my face except when I'm extracting pain from my enemies.
Jake:
You are deplorable, just like Hillary Clinton accidentally said about your followers.
Trump:
Don't say anything else you're going to regret. I'll give you a pass for one insult.
Jake:
Michael Cohen was right. You do talk like a mob boss.
Trump:
I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. I like how they operated in The Godfather.
Jake:
It's not how you should be talking as a president Mr. Trump.
Trump:
That's Mr. President or President Trump to you. Get it wrong again and you'll be sleeping with the fishes.
Jake:
You just proved my point. Can you please talk like a normal individual and answer some questions? What are your plans to make life better for your beloved middle class when all you do is talk about giving tax breaks to billionaires and corporations?
Trump:
I'm going to give them the best economy that nobody's ever seen, numbers like nobody's ever seen before. Numbers that I make up really good.
Jake:
There already is a good economy. You inherited a good economy from Obama and made it go south. How are you going to keep from destroying it this time?
Trump:
Ronald Reagan invented the trickle down economy. Worked great for him. We'll just do it again and wait to see if they suffer or not.
Jake:
That's not really an encouraging plan. Economists already say that your idea of tariffs will destroy the economy, cause out of control inflation and put us into a recession and a depression.
Trump:
Don't worry. I've got it all covered.
Jake:
With what?
Trump:
What?
Jake:
I said what first. You said, "I've got it all covered." And then I asked with what?
Trump:
Smart guy, huh? Look, I know how to handle money better than anyone else.
Jake:
But you had four bankruptcies on three casinos in Atlantic City. How did you lose money with a casino? I've never heard of it happening before.
Trump:
That was just practice. I made money, it was all the other investors who lost out.
Jake:
So, you make money but everybody else loses out. What do you think the American people will think about you in control of the nation's treasury.
Trump:
Oh yeah, I forgot that I could just print money. Thanks for reminding me. I'll get my face on the $100 bill as soon as possible.
Jake:
That's reserved for people that are dead.
Trump:
I'll fix that too.
Jake:
Do you have any idea of how you're really going to run the country?
Trump:
I'll have the best people do that for me.
Jake:
You said that the first time around. And look at where it got you. The good people all quit in disgust. How are you going to find good people this time?
Trump:
Got them already. Mike Flynn, Steve Bannon, Roger Stone. Just to name a few.
Jake:
Those are not good people. You're talking about crazy thugs.
Trump:
Hey! Watch your language,
Jake:
You've been using a lot of salty language out in the open. At your rallies, news conferences, even in interviews.
Trump:
When you're a star you can do anything.
Jake:
Is that your answer for any question?
Trump:
Works for me.
