This is not a suicide note. But I do want to let everyone know that it is very likely I will be killing myself in a few weeks.
I do not make this decision lightly. And to be blunt, it’s not something I WANT to do either. I had hopes and dreams I wanted to fulfill. And now I won’t. I love life. But there are several reasons I need to do this.
First I need to talk a little about the people in my life I love. I told my sister this and we both cried and we’re trying to work through it. I don’t think we will but I love her so much and she’s really the only person in my life I can talk to about this.
My best friend is CP. I wanted to talk to her about this but her father committed suicide and I can’t put this on her. I know this will hurt her and it drives me insane with guilt. Just thinking about it makes me cry.
My old case worker M is someone I emailed and asked if she would call me. I don’t know if she will, but I want to hear her voice one last time and tell her how much she means to me and how much I love her.
I AM trying to think of ways around this. If either my sister’s family or CP move out of the country and take me with them I’ll go. But I can’t ask them to upend their lives “otherwise I’ll kill myself.” That isn’t fair to them.
I sure many people will tell me to talk to a therapist or the counselor at my program. I can’t do that. I would wind up in a psychiatric hospital. When I was young I was in a hospital for four years and it turned me into a terrible person. I did monstrous things I am ashamed of (including violence). It’s why I have PTSD. None of those things were a secret and there were consequences to them but I’m not going back to that.
If it were just me being depressed I’d live with it. I’m not lying. Despite me feeling suicidal during the first Trump Presidency I never came CLOSE to doing it, or even coming up with a plan. This is different. I’ve put a lot of thought into it and the reason I am planning this is because if I don’t I will personally suffer. So much I’ll have wished I did this now. I am very much at-risk
I am on Disability. When Trump becomes President at some point, sooner rather than later, I will lose my Housing Voucher and Social Security and become homeless. Best case scenario I’d live with either my Mom and Dad or my sister’s family. But my Mom and Dad are elderly and my sister’s family doesn’t need another mouth to feed.
Worse, I am a Democrat who offers his opinions online mostly using his real name. Forget losing my apartment. How long before I am arrested and executed for my opinions? Probably not very.
I want to go out on my own terms. I’ve thought a lot a about it and have decided to get my affairs in order (my will just needs to be notarized), take some sleeping pills and lie in bed peacefully with my stuffed animals. I want to go out on my terms and not Trump’s. You can tell me these ARE Trump’s terms and while you aren’t wrong, you aren’t exactly right either.
My plans for the next few weeks are to finish my will, finish drawing the latest issue of Gilda And Meek And The Universe (which will be the last) and finish writing the final six scripts of the saga. After that, I will post the final 22 scripts on my site so people will know how it ends.
And like I said on my Dreamwidth Journal this is not how it WOULD have ended. Once those scripts are posted they are official and canon. I regret I can never get down to writing the two sequels I planned but I will also detail their outlines on my site too.
Here is the link to my comic book site.
gildaandmeekandtheuniverse.blogspot.com/…
Gilda And Meek And The Un-Iverse by Matt Zimmer
It would mean the world to me if you read the 67 issues there so far. Maybe over 3000 pages is too much to ask but I want to have made a mark on the world. The site is totally free, there are no ads, and only exists to make a connection with people.
Also my friend Jasper Hansen writes and draws a cartoon called Weasel Grotto. Here is the link:
towerofnohr.com
He was excited for me to read what’s coming in December and I felt so guilty because I will not be around for most of it. I am begging the people on Daily Kos to please read and keep up with Weasel Grotto every day and give Jasper the love and support he needs for it that I will be unable to. But him being so excited was why I needed to talk about this now. Please, PLEASE read and keep up with Weasel Grotto and let Jasper know you support him.
Other friends of mine include Jason Deroga who writes and draws OmniLegend Tales consisting of Lil’ Hero Artist and Sneakers U-Force:
globalcomix.com/…
globalcomix.com/…
And Lady Jess whose comic is called Promised Memories.
globalcomix.com/…
Like Weasel Grotto I highly recommend OminLegend Tales and Promised Memories and I hope you give Jason Deroga and Lady Jess support as well.
I am sorry for the people on Daily Kos who believe I have failed them. Who believe my voice is needed in this fight. And I am aware it’s selfish on my end and taking the easy way out. But the hard way carries too much risk for me, an already at-risk person, that I need to think of my own safety about something like this. Yes, one of the reasons I’m doing this is because it’s safer than waiting around for what’s coming.
I love you all and will still be commenting and supporting you for the last few weeks I am around. And if there IS another way out of this you have word I will take it. No matter what it is. I want to live. I just don’t see how I can.
One last request: If this post infuriates you, don’t say “You are coward and we’re better off fighting without you.” Just please hold your tongue about that. This is hard enough.
UPDATE
Somebody in the comments made a valid point. What if somebody reads this diary and decides to kill themselves? I think that is a valid fear. I also think reaching out to people in the same boat is something that maybe we can help each other with. To be clear, I don’t WANT to do this. I want other options. And many people in my boat do as well. Maybe talking about it can help people think of different solutions.
So far I haven’t changed my mind but it’s definitely shifted into realizing if I did it it would be even harder than I’m imagining, not just for the people around me, but for me too. It gives me pause and more things to consider.
UPDATE 2
I thank you for your support and I do have to admit I’m having second thoughts. Mostly because of the people who are talking about the complicated logistics of it. That gives me huge pause. And if you are feeling this way too, it should probably give you huge pause too.
This is not a clean business. And learning that has kind of alarmed me about the idea. I don’t know. I feel helpless and trapped and I can’t stop this horrible feeling inside me.
People have told me in the comments to call 988 and they did help me. If anyone else is in my boat, you should do that first too. Whatever suicide is, it’s permanent. It’s not something to take lightly or do impulsively. And even though I knew that, I’m starting to understand I need to put more thought into it than I already did.
UPDATE 3
From one of my comments below:
Somebody upthread mentioned that this post should not be on Daily Kos and could inspire copycats. Honestly, that would break my heart. But the reason I posted it is because I am not alone in feeling these feelings currently, and all of us maybe talking about it and how hard it is might get some or all of us to think of a different solution.
I would hate it if this diary inspired a person to kill themselves. It was written for the opposite reason. I want us to be able to work out our shit.
