Americans Switch from Washington Post Subscription to Gummies

WaPo owner Jeff Bezos has been “totally helpless” to stop the flight to gummies, sources said. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Parody The Borowitz Report still helps keep me nominally sane. That is of course much, much more difficult to do this week, after our country’s election was undermined by the Tech Bros.

Here you go- no paywall. But subscribe if you appreciate Mr Borowitz’s humor.

www.borowitzreport.com/…

In full, by permission of Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hundreds of thousands of Americans who until recently subscribed to the Washington Post are now receiving a monthly supply of gummies instead, sources confirmed on Thursday.

WaPo owner Jeff Bezos has been “totally helpless” to slow the flight from his former newspaper to gummies, which consumers have deemed a more reliable product.

Carol Foyler, who worked at the WaPo’s cancellation hotline but quit out of “sheer exhaustion,” made the mistake of taking a similar position at a gummy fulfillment center.

“The volume of calls is just as high, and it’s the same people,” she said.

Capitalizing on the sudden shift in consumer sentiment, the National Association of Gummy Producers has adopted the slogan, “Depression Dies in Cannabis.”