"The true father of our national literature."
That's how H.L. Mencken described the force of nature that was Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain. If ever there was a person whose bullshit detector went to 11, it was him. Also in his corner: anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a supporter of labor unions. Damn funny, too. His zingers are endless—here's a few to start his birthday week:
“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”
“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”
“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”
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”If we would learn what the human race is at bottom, we need only observe it at election times.”
“Man was made at the end of a week’s work when God was tired.”
“The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.”
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”
“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
“Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.”
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
Twain would’ve been 189 this week. Pay your respects here. And then donate a few copies of Huck Finn to your local library…just to piss off the book ban-happy MAGA cult.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 2, 2024
Note: We hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. If, instead, you had a terrible one, you'll be pleased to know that the C&J Memory Eraser 5000 is back in service. Just insert $5,000 in quarters and push the red button. We’d tell you what happens next, but our legal team says that’s proprietary information. (But you will want to wear a blast helmet and disable your smoke detectors for a moment.) —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
4 days!!!
Days 'til 2025: 30
Days 'til the Country Christmas Lighted Farm Implement Parade in Sandusky, Michigan: 4
Internet users worldwide in November of 1994, 2014, and 2024 respectively: 25 million, 2.9 billion, 5.5 billion
The last year when the mortgage delinquency rate was as low as it is today: 1979
Years it took to rebuild Paris’s Notre Dame Cathedral after fire gutted it in 2019: 5
Cost of the repairs: $700 million
Rank of Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas, When Will I See You Again by the Three Degrees, and I Can Help by Billy Swan on the Billboard Top 40 chart on December 1, 1974 : #1, #2, #3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: And the winner is…
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CHEERS to December. The year's glorious, sparkling, musical, snow-bedecked, bell-ringing, Norman Rockwellesque grand finale. Bring on the swans a' swimming, spin your dreidels (Christmas and the start of Hanukkah coincide this year) and air your Festivus grievances (the 23rd).
Ahem. Mask?
Bring on the full "cold moon" (the 15th). Bring on the winter solstice. Bring on C&J’s 21st(!!!) anniversary. Bring on the last-minute flurry of madness in Congress! Bring on the last full month of merriment and debauchery before we enter The Dark Times! Bring on the latest Covid booster! Bring on the latest sequels—if we must—to Spiderman, Sonic the Hedgehog, Lion King, and Lord of the Rings! Also: check the expiration date on the eggnog that's been sitting in the back of your fridge since 1999 before you take a swig. And settle your differences with 2024 because in 29 days it’s out the door and ain't comin' back. I believe I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say: "Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya."
JEERS to December. The year's stress-filled, bone chilling, dark-by-3, be-cheerful-or-else, and oh-here comes a-giant-blizzard grand finale. The Harry Simeone choir will make curmudgeons' ears bleed with enough pa-rum-pum-pum-pums to choke a horse, and you just know there are several beloved mega-celebrities who will inconvenience us by dying this month.
Fox News will continue hating on Christmas for another season by using this Satanic “greeting.”
There’s the Pearl Harbor anniversary to remind us how few of our WW II heroes remain above ground. Our cat will take up her favorite December tradition of batting glass ornaments off the tree for us to step on in the middle of the night. With the MAGA cult still hellbent on abolishing democracy and establishing a Fourth Reich in America, the wise among us will forgo candy canes and instead hang holiday-themed Prozac dispensers. Plus: I just guzzled a bunch of eggnog before checking the expiration date, so nice knowin’ ya. I believe I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say: "Bah humbug."
CHEERS to America's cleaning service. 52 years ago today, the Environmental Protection Agency was born during the reign of that shameless Marxist commie Richard Nixon. Under his orders, government "life panels" were created to ration environmental care by putting competent bureaucrats between you and your polluter under the guise of collectively "protecting human health and the environment." It was just one more way the Republicans tried to take power away from the individual and use it to advance their radical socialist agenda. Today, thoroughly embarrassed by their un-American blunder, Republicans are doing their best to shrink the EPA and erase any connection between themselves and promotion of America's general welfare. Because, as their current bumper sticker slogan says: "Clean Air Promotes Lazy Lungs."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to parking your kiester for equality. 69 years ago this week, in 1955, Black seamstress Rosa Parks, who was also secretary of the local branch of the NAACP and trained in nonviolent civil disobedience long before John Lewis labeled it "good trouble," refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama public bus. The bus driver, James Blake, said he was just doing his job when he ratted her out. But history reveals his job apparently also included being a jerk:
Once, after she had paid her fare at the front, he had ordered her to board the bus at the rear and then, before she could do so, driven off.
The bus.
On other occasions he had ostentatiously driven past the stop at which she was waiting.
As for Parks, she wasn't the first black American to challenge the discriminatory rules of public transportation. But in this case, her arrest and the ensuing boycott of the bus system—led by budding activist Martin Luther King, Jr.—became a signature event of the civil rights protest movement. The Republicans have their own “Rosa Parks Moment”: the day Bubba had to sit at the back of his Sea Ray Fuck Your Feelings to keep it from sinking during a Trump boat parade. (Happily, it sank anyway.)
JEERS to upholding my sworn obligation to my faithful readership. Apologies in advance (again) for briefly shining the spotlight on the next administration, but it's a requirement to justify my $5 an hour salary. But at least we can make this quick. Here are the latest nominees announced by the next president to fill positions in his cabinet and various government agencies:
The criminal
The crook
The felon
The rapist
The crony
The grifter
The other grifter
The other other grifter
The dual rapist/grifter
The Christian nationalist wacko
The suckup
Or, if you want to lump them all together in one bucket: the weirdos.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 2, 2014
CHEERS to one less loose cannon on the force. As protests continue across the country (and, holy cow, the media is actually covering them), Ferguson Police Officer and Michael Brown murderer Darren "Shoot Before You Think" Wilson resigned from his job over the weekend. He says he wants to spend more time with his imaginary demons. I hope he succeeds beyond his wildest nightmares.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to running another ring around the sun. Happy Birthday (and many blessings on your camels, along with a giant slice of key lime and/or pumpkin and/or blueberry pie) tomorrow to Michael (aka "Common Sense Mainer" here), my sweetie of 31 years, who turns [Redacted] today. Wow, [redacted] years. I won’t divulge exactly how spring-chickeny or ancient he is, but here are a few clues from the history archives circa nineteen hundred and [redacted]…
> Kennedy was president and dealing with the Cuban missile crisis
Michael after his promotion to Lt. Colonel in the Boy Scouts
> Tuition to Harvard cost $1,250
> The first Beatles single was released
> Gas was 28 cents per gallon
> To Kill A Mockingbird and Lawrence of Arabia were released
> John Glenn orbited the earth
> The Berlin wall was fresh and new
> Johnny Carson began his reign as king of late night TV
> The Space Needle in Seattle, Washington was completed in time for the World's Fair
> Marvel’s Spider-Man made his debut in the Amazing Fantasy #15 comic book
He shares his birthday today with Britney Spears (42), Lucy Liu (56), and Stone Phillips (69). And if they're true to form, tomorrow I'll get a call from the cops around 2am, and shortly thereafter I'll give my sweetie his traditional present: bail.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“It feels like it was built yesterday, like it’s just been born, even though the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool is very old.”
—Stonemason Adrien Willeme
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