And Now...2024 In A Nutshell
I’m not opening it. If you want to open it, go right ahead. I’ll be downstairs drinking.
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 27, 2024
Note: We hope you had a nice holiday. If you got a Christmas or Hanukkah gift that displeased you, toss it in the C&J woodchipper and go pick out a nice replacement from your neighbor's garage and/or tool shed. Probably best to do it late at night so they'll be less inclined to come out and distract you with their loud voices and wavy arms while you're making your excellent selection.
—Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
4 days!!!
Days 'til Earth’s Rotation Day, to commemorate when French Physicist Leon Foucault demonstrated the Earth rotates on its axis in 1851: 12
Days 'til the Great Sardine and Maple Leaf Drop in Eastport, Maine: 4
Number of bills President Biden signed into law on Christmas Eve: 50
Estimated number of whooping cough cases this year, six times more than last year: 32,000
Percent of kindergarteners during the 2023-2024 year who got the DTaP vaccine, below the 95% federal target and may God send the anti-vaxxer movement straight to Hell for it: 92%
Median price of a home in Maine in November, up 8.5% from last November: $385,000
Years since New York City woke up to a white Christmas, as it did this year: 15
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Friday evening meet ‘n greet...
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CHEERS to blessed silence. They've turned off the Christmas carols. It's safe to come out now. We hope you were as fortunate as we were by making it through another season without hearing the Kenny G version of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer or FIFA’s rendition of The Little Vuvuzela Boy. But we’re not entirely out of the woods yet. Nothing but non-stop Auld Lang Syne for the next four days, and Grandpa’s still only on page 16 of his Festivus grievances. Oy.
(This item is sponsored by Acme earplugs. Remember: If you haven’t heard a thing about Acme Earplugs, you must already be using Acme earplugs.)
CHEERS and JEERS to action news lightning round. I can think of zero reasons to get into the weeds of hard news while we're still basking in the glow of a holiday weekend and standing on the precipice of another. So toss I shall a mere smattering of fresh headlines to get you up to speed without killing the buzz:
» In the greatest act of bipartisanship involving legislation that will affect no one and no thing, Congress passed a law making the bald eagle our official national bird that, had it been asked, would have said “f*ck no, I have no interest in representing your shithole country, get lost or I’ll peck your eyes out, you hairless biped weirdos.” (Good thing we didn’t ask, huh?)
» The House released a report that concludes Matt Gaetz likes to schtup underage girls, but nothing will be done about it because it might interfere with the poor man’s sincere, heartfelt desire to be governor of Florida so he can continue restricting women’s rights.
For more news, grab a jeweler’s loupe and go to it.
» Some say the Webb space telescope was launched into space three years ago and changed our understanding of the universe. Others disagree. And we'll have to leave it there.
» Holiday air travel was mostly smooth, due to a lower-than-expected number of MAGA lunatics screaming about nanobots in vaccines, brain-killing 5G tower waves, drones sent by the Martians, and how the old lady sitting in 12-B is the antichrist.
» Elon Musk continues assembling his cabinet as he prepares to become our 47th president. Vice president-elect Donald Trump continues pointing at random people on the TV and appointing them ambassadors. JD Vance is behind his garage secretly eating all the dogs and cats.
» King Charles III used his annual kingly Christmas speech to bark at the commoners to just add more thatch to the roofs of their huts if they’re so bloody cold. "I mean, like what are ya gonna do…call Robin Hood??? "
» Self ran a critical article about how often you should wash your hair, and we discovered that the answer is: hell if we know.
And this just in: pessimists lament that there's a 50 percent chance that 2025 will suck, while optimists gush that there's a 50 percent chance that 2025 will rock. Highlights of the ensuing street brawl tonight on News Center at 11.
CHEERS to changing times. On tomorrow’s date in 1852, Emma Snodgrass was arrested in Boston for wearing pants. Today she'd be arrested for not wearing them. Discuss.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to keeping things in focus. Happy 453rd birthday to Johannes Kepler, the "founder of modern optics." Among many other accomplishments, he designed the first lenses to help farsightedness and nearsightedness. Sadly for our current political class, there was nothing in his bag of tricks to help shortsightedness.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Not much on the tube this weekend, which will give you ample time to watch some great movies on that new Betamax home movie system you got for Christmas. (I'm so jealous. All I got from my parents was The Best of Bread, Vol. 2 and Chicago VII.) The most exciting thing tonight is the classic “This Side of Paradise” episode of Star Trek on the H&I Network at 8, during which we’ll be live-skeeting at BlueSky (where you can follow me here) via the #allstartrek hashtag. And later at 11 on BBC America, The Graham Norton Show welcomes Timothee Chalamet and Andrew Garfield.
It’s what all the cool kids got this year.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. The AKC National Dog Championship is Sunday afternoon from 2 ‘til 5 on ABC. SNL is airing a rerun of the show hosted recently by Ariana Grande with musical guest Stevie Nicks.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: fresh out of things to investigate, the correspondents go after each other undercover and expose some seriously fu***d-up sh*t. Meanwhile, Marge and Smithers (yes, you read that right) team up to become “wine-forging Robin Hoods” on The Simpsons.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Face the Nation: TBA
Iconic photo of Rep. Andy Kim—now Senator Kim—cleaning up after Trump’s thugs trashed the Capitol on 1/6/21.
Meet the Press: Some kind of “special edition” featuring guests Megan Rapinoe, Ruby Bridges, Michael Phelps, and Sue Bird. I think they’ll be playing Twister.
This Week: Senator Ben cardin (D-MD); Rep. Mike Lawler (Fascist-NY).
CNN's State of the Union: Senator—yes, I said SENATOR—Andy Kim (D-NJ); Governor Chris Sununu (Fascist-NH).
Fox Fascism Sunday: Senator Eric Schmitt (Fascist-MO); Rep Ro Khanna (D-CA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 27, 2014
JEERS to dog and pony shows. The House Select Committee on Benghazi met under the watchful fauxhawk of chairman Trey Gowdy. With every accusation having been debunked by previous Republican-led House committee reports, the proceedings were pretty much limited to shouting "Benghazi!" in between crossword puzzles. Your tax dollars hard at work.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to special deliveries. That Louis DeJoy. What a postmaster. He really cares, based on this totally official-looking email I found in my in-box Tuesday:
Dear Customer,
We were unable to deliver your parcel US9516789935279
We require additional details to attempt to re-delivery this package. The address provided also appears to be incomplete. In addition to payment information.
Fees to pay: 0.99 Dollar
Date: 24/12/2024
At the bottom it contains a special tracking link that goes not to USPS.com but to "feudhl.com" with a bunch of numbers after it.
Y'know, despite the odd "0.99 Dollar" and date expressed as day-month-year instead of month-day-year, and the tracking number that gives me nothing but an error message, and the fact that I never sent a package that he’s attempting to “re-delivery,” I can only conclude that this email was sent personally, out of extreme concern for my satisfaction as a customer, by Postmaster DeJoy himself. With only four days left in the year, Louie appears to have turned over a new leaf and left the dark side behind, making 2024 the BEST YEAR EVER.
And we all lived happily ever after. The End.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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