but I am choosing to reflect on a number of disparate topics that are currently on my mind. Perhaps I should start by explaining that I have been at least somewhat reflective since my early teens, usually carrying around a pocket notebook in which I jot down thoughts and observations, and yes — I have almost all of then going back more than 6 decades. although I have rarely gone back and looked at them,
What I do periodically go back and read are some of the post I have written here over a time period now finishing its 21st year. There will be some mention of that as well.
And as of Sunday Leave on the Current and I will reach the 39th anniversary of our wedding and reception (the latter at historic Oatlands Plantation outside of Leesburg Virginia). I will reserve direct commentary on that for the several days until then.
I realize that, except for whatever draw seeing a post from me may still have here, this is unlikely to draw many eyeballs. So be it. Nevertheless, I will persist, so proceed below the cheese-doodle at your own initiative and risk.
In some ways, I am my mother’s child, although I doubt I am as brilliant as she was. She graduated from Hunter College HS at 14, Cornell U at 18, & Columbia Law at 21, 2nd in her class very narrowly, with a mother born in Poland and of Jewish background. As (one of?) the first female Asst AGs in NY she took over 20 cases to the state’s highest court (Court of Appeals) & never lost. & in some ways she never grew up.
Because of her own experiences, she resisted when the school system in Mamaroneck NY wanted to skip me beginning in Kindergarten, finally giving in and asking me what I wanted to do in 6th grade, and since I was bored after 6 weeks I was a 7th grader. I also almost skipped my senior year — I had the credits to graduate & as a junior was taking AP Calc at a time when perhaps 1% of seniors across the country took that course — by the way, I flunked it because the way it was taught bored me so I did not study. I later flunked it in College as well, for similar reasons. It never made sense to me until I was studying more advanced statistics, and I finally learned some of it on my own.
My parents gave me many opportunities to explore my abilities. I taught myself to read both books and music when was not yet 4. When I began piano lessons, my first teacher wanted to put me on the concert stage and my mother said no. Later, when my mother arranged for a string teacher in our elementary school because my sister was interested in violin, I arranged — as a first grader, to take cello lessons on my own (after a month the teacher, who also taught my mother, asked when she was going to be paid). I was never disciplined enough on either instrument — a lack of discipline that has been a constant them throughout my almost 8 decades on this planet. I was good enough on cello to share first desk in the intermediate orchestra with the future first cellist of the Philadelphia Orchestra, and on piano to learn the Tschaikovsky 1st Piano Concerto and to be told by my final piano teacher in high school, himself a concert pianist who taught at Julliard and was known as the man with the golden ears, that WITHIN THE LIMITS OF MY TECHNIQUE I played Bach as well as anyone he had ever heard (but please note the words in caps — criticism within praise).
And despite my supposed intellectual gifts, I did not graduate from college until shortly before my 27th birthday, on my 4th try at an undergraduate education. I have also dropped out of 4 attempts at a doctorate, one with my dissertation half written, and also of several masters programs (although somehow I managed to complete two, one in religion and one in teaching).
While I got my first publication credit with a letter to the editor of my local newspaper when I was still in junior high school, I did not become an even competent writer until more than half of the first decade of this millennium, and that only after Meteor Blades sent me an email to encourage me to continue posting here because he, a former editor, saw something in my writing (thanks, Tim).
When I go back and read some of the thousands of posts I have done here, and even some of what I wrote in comments on the discussion threads to those, I am sometimes surprise at how good the writing is, even as I can still see typos (I am dyslexic and do not always see them in real time). When I am down (which is far too often), those can bring me back up. As can communications from those I have taught over around 3 decades as a classroom teacher, the thing that has given my life the most meaning, even as I did not finally find my way to that career until I was almost 50.
I am a complicated person who does not really fit into society as I have known it. While I was an exuberant small boy, after a bout of chicken pox in 8th grade, I somehow became somewhat shy even though I tended to be extremely extraverted. From then on I was somewhat socially awkward as well. If you remember my mention of my notebooks, I was observing a great deal, and learned how to act (at least somewhat) with other people, but it was never natural to me. As I watched the impact some of my words and actions had on others, at times I became manipulative, not because I was mean, but either because I was curious as to what the reactions would be or, more likely, as a cover for my own sense in inadequacy and insecurity. If I am not being driven by those, I am a very different creature — small children delight in my and crawl on my lap, and even skittish domestic animal rub against me, interact with and lick me, and — yes — crawl on my lap or curl up next to me or on my legs.
It is those reactions that have over time led me to accept an observation first made by a very bright nephew, and agreed to both by my wife (with whom I have been now for more than 50 years) and my older sister — that I am somewhat “on the spectrum” — not fully autistic but clearly showing aspects of Asperger’s Syndrome (and having taught a number of students formally so diagnosed I can see clear parallels with them).
Lest you think these mental meanderings, of whatever possible interest otherwise, do not seem appropriate on a blog devoted primarily to politics and policy, let me explain why they ARE relevant, at least for me. Remember, I have never felt I fully belonged anywhere, and had to be a careful observer of others to know how to behave. I am quick study, and really don’t miss much within my perceptual range, even if I do not always directly react to it. And because I don’t feel as if I necessarily belong, that does drive my strong reactions when I see others experiencing prejudice, discrimination, even just lack of understanding. After all, ALL of those are part of my own personal experiences, and perhaps at least in my case that makes me more sensitive to those I perceive as experiencing them, even if that may not be their own personal reactions. And in a very strong sense, it is how I have after decades of spiritual searching and floundering wound up stable (now for more than 2 decades) in the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers). As my wife noted more than 2 decades ago, the notion of George Fox that we are to walk gladly over the earth (for me too often the hard part) ANSWERING that of God in each person we encountered had effectively been my mantra even though during our relationship I had already wandered through several varieties of Christianity and all 3 main branches of Judaism. Here I note that it also shaped how I was, despite by inadequacies and insecurities as a person), often an effective teacher, because I focused on relationships, on seeing the students before me as complete persons however imperfect students they may have been, challenging them to be sure, but encouraging them to get out of their comfort zones and to learn how to take risks in order to grow.
At times I want to withdraw from politics and policy. At 78+ I long ago realized that I would not directly be able to have a major impact on either. And as my time on this earth gets ever closer to its end, there are other things on which I would like to focus. It may be a cat who wants to give me affection, and thereby unjudging affirmation, as Melville, one of our two 4 year old brothers is doing now. It may be to really listen to a piece of music, maybe one I know well and love, maybe one I am experiencing for the first time. Living as I do in a life-care community it is to be kind, to listen to someone feeling isolated and in need of companionship, even as I know my own limitations as a friend.
As I have gotten older I have come to realize and accept that every choice I make requires me to surrender something else — perhaps time, perhaps money, perhaps opportunity. One of our cats, Margaret Ella, will turn 16 on New Year’s Eve. When we got her four years ago, she had had one owner who had to go into custodial care and could not keep her, and she had lived in the animal shelter for more than 6 months. She came to us with health problems. They have worsened — she now has a cancer. It could have been worse: we thought a month ago that she had at most 4-6 months to live. Now we know we can extend that to perhaps 12-18 months. Doing so is very expensive. The additional cost probably means I have to go back to work for some additional income, which means I can no longer be one of the presenters in the current events group here in our community, which is the form of teaching I currently do. It means we cannot both be away for more than 24 hours, which restricts us in other ways. The time for her care takes away from things we still need to do to settle in where we live. And it also restricts the time I can spend reading and writing, including here. But she is a living creature, and so long as she is not suffering how can we do otherwise?
As I reread things I have written here in the past, I reflect on things I had done and foregone, people I have known and encountered. things I have read and then shared with others. I have come to realize that what meaning, purpose there is in my life has never been really about me, but of what value I can make available to others, including the many 4 footed creatures that have blessed our lives, in my case back to a small black 6 week old Cocker Spaniel given to my sister (2 ½ years older) when I was only 6 months.My wife has noted that my desire to have a Newfoundland can be traced to that — the ratio in size would be similar to my and Charcoal back when we were both little. The encounters with those of significance who have impacted my life is not because I in any way what I made available to them other than the opportunity to expand beyond themselves, but rather that the obligation I incurred to pass on to others in whatever fashion that made sense.
That is, we have an obligation as part of human society. In Quaker terms, we have to with gladness answer that of God in each person we encounter. EVEN IF THAT PERSON DOES NOT YET PERCEIVE IT IN THEMSELVES.
I am as noted my mother’s child. She had a very sharp tongue and a quick wit. She could be devastating with the cutting remark. I have never fully overcome that tendency in myself. I try to transform it by instead of cutting making puns. That somewhat drives my wife batty, but it is clearly less harmful and may serve to gently remind both parties of the possible dangers of miscommunication.
This has not been a focused reflection. And it may serve no purpose other than to help me clarify some of my own thinking at a point in my life when I am feeling both stress and angst, where I worry about my inability to address all that I feel I should, where I very much worry that I will not have enough time to make amends for the hurts I still do, where far too often I am inclined to retreat into myself instead of take the risk of making mistakes and learning from them.
But perhaps some part of this ramble will strike one or more chords in one or more of the people who read it. I cannot know that in advance. But like the impulse in Quaker Meeting for Worship to deliver a message, today I felt an impulse to risk opening up like this.
For those still here, I thank you for your patience and tolerance.
Peace.
