Scheduling Note: C&J will be off tomorrow, and we'll return Thursday to kick off our 2025 season. From all of us at C&J: Happy New Year and we wish you much crispy, yummy, zesty coleslaw in your future.
—A message from the National Coleslaw Board, which had $3 in extra PR money to throw at me
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And now, the envelopes, please…
July
The Tories finally got the boot.
The second half of the year got off to a smashing start, thanks to Britain's Labour Party, which finally mustered the strategic moxie to thrash the hapless upper class twits in the Conservative party in the landslide of the century. Like their Democratic counterparts here, Labour’s biggest task has been getting down to the job of cleaning up all the messes left in the Tories’ wake.
Elections abroad dominated week two as well, with the win going to the French candidates who dropped out of their races for the good of the country, and the French voters who denied the fascists the victory they thought they'd win in a landslide.
Week 3 winners: Anyone who didn’t watch a moment of the MAGA Project 2025 Fascism convention.
During our final WWTW poll of July, we generously bestowed an “All of the Above” option, related to the exciting and flawless launch of Kamala Harris’s presidential bid.
August
Another 2024 win was scored by President Biden the first week of August, for securing the release of prisoners held in Russia (h/t also to SecState Blinken), proposing historic Supreme Court reforms, and keeping the economy humming through the sound, long-term principles of Bidenomics.
Having chosen as her running mate the force of nature that is Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, the Harris-Walz campaign proceeded to win the next two weeks for...
» Clinching the Democratic nomination to be our next POTUS/VP
» Hitting the ground running flush with cash
» Watching their favorable poll numbers rise
» Drawing crowds that made Trump seethe
» Securing the first-ever endorsement from LULAC
» Laying out a solid, middle class-based economic agenda
What? Another win for ”All of the above”? Yes, and well-deserved, as praise poured in from even the crotchetiest pundits after the wildly successful Democratic National Convention in Chicago wowed the nation.
And for the final week of August, you chose the Army staff member at Arlington National Cemetery who tried to stop Trump and his goons from staging a cheap and illegal political photo-op stunt on the hallowed ground there.
September
Crimey business was on your mind the first week of the ninth month. You chose as winners the Justice, State, and Treasury Departments for amassing an "intelligence goldmine" leading to an indictment of Russia Times employees who paid MAGA social media influencers to spread disinformation helping Trump.
Harris and Walz leaving it all on the field.
Week 2 went to Kamala Harris, for her masterful debate performance that reduced the mightiest human being on the planet into a sweaty, bellowing, rattled, makeup-smeared, and very weird human dumpster fire.
The third poll of September saw our first tie of the year. Team Harris-Walz won for its polling and fundraising surge and swing-state endorsements from local Teamsters unions...and shared the honor with the wave of former Republican government officials—civilian and military—warning the country about a 2nd Trump term and putting country before party by endorsing Harris-Walz.
Closing out the month: the nonprofit Haitian Bridge Alliance, for filing charges against Donald Trump and his attack rat JD Vance for their acts of domestic terrorism against the peaceful, hard-working Haitian community in Springfield, Ohio (who were not, and are not, “eating all the pets.”)
October
And we’re on to the fourth quarter! Week one’s trophy went to Judge Tanya Chutkan and special counsel Jack Smith, whose release of a major legal brief turbo-charged the criminal case against Trump for his role in planning/executing the Jan. 6 insurrection.
In the end, the wheels of justice were just too damn rusty.
The army of meteorologists, NOAA and FEMA personnel, utilities, hospitals, non-profits, and neighbors helping to put things back together in the wake of hurricanes Helene and Milton were the winners of the week on October 11.
And how cool to see our 39th president on the list one more time. You chose the late President Jimmy Carter during the third week of October, after he accomplished the final item on his bucket list by voting for Kamala Harris for president.
And rounding out the month: a big WWTW trophy to Georgia election workers Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, as a federal judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to turn over his valuable possessions and Manhattan penthouse to them as part of his defamation conviction. (Out of compassion, he was allowed to keep his vats of hair dye.)
November
Well...the month started out okay. Team Harris-Walz won the first week for Coach Tim’s barnstorming across swing states, Kamala delivering a pitch-perfect closing speech to a crowd of 75,000 at The Ellipse, while her campaign team seized on Trump’s gaffes and ran a sophisticated ground game.
And then it all crashed and burned. There was no winner of Election Week 2024 because there was no WWTW poll. Fact is, the whole world lost on November 5th, and not one human being alive today will be better off for it for the rest of our lifetimes.
But things got back to semi-normal the following week, when the winner was “Coup de graces,” as control of shitbag Alex Jones' InfoWars empire was bought out as part of a court settlement by The Onion, with funds going to the families of Sandy Hook massacre victims.
And President Biden won the last two weeks of November for...
» Becoming the first president to visit the Amazon rainforest to promote environmental protection
» Authorizing Ukraine to defend itself with long-range U.S. weapons against Russia
» Brokering a cease fire between Israel and Hezbollah
» Presiding over the lowest illegal immigration of his presidency, as well as 2.8% economic growth in the 3rd quarter, and the cheapest turkey dinners since the 1980s
» Practicing quiet diplomacy to get hostages released from China
» Celebrating another birthday at the White House
December
Although the last month of 2024 could barely drag its sorry carcass over the finish line, there were a quartet of standouts who deservedly won their weeks. Starting with the organizers and participants in the massive street protests in South Korea that neutered the nation's authoritarian and coup-happy president Yoon Suk Yeol.
Biden kept the pedal to the metal through the holidays.
Nobody had the lightning-fast fall of the evil regime running Syria on their Bingo card, but you take your unexpected good news where you can get it. Hope for Syria won week #2, as defeated scumbag Bashar al-Assad fled to Scumbagistan (Russia) and the prisoners who were kept in al-Assad's underground maze of dungeons were finally freed.
The week before Festivus, Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, the trophy went to New York Judge Juan Merchan, for rejecting Trump's bid to have his criminal conviction thrown out, forever tarring him as the first convicted felon to serve as President.
And the year closed out with another win by President Biden, for signing the budget extension, issuing new climate guidelines, securing his 235th judicial confirmation (surpassing Trump's 1st term tally), nixing dozens of death sentences, and forgiving student loan debt to 55,000 public workers.
In conclusion...
And here we are, staring at another fresh year of history yet unwritten, another 52 weeks yet un-won. Who will you choose? Who will you choose??? All we can say at this point is good luck—this will count as 99 percent of your final grade next year. For I am evil, and enjoy cackling.
Have a nice Tuesday and a safe and Happy New Year’s Day. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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