Joe Tweets. Somebody Alert the Media.
Every online piece of shit pooped out by President Biden’s predecessor—first on Twitter, now on Truth Social—gets fawned over and amplified by the media. No matter how deranged, unhinged, violent, false, or nonsensical they may be, the guy’s rants and ramblings are like catnip to reporters and pundits alike. But the tweets by the current president? Nah—they’re too positive, too compassionate, too fact-based and inspirational. Too much “we,” not enough “Me! Me! Me!”
If the press won’t shine a light on Joe’s tweets, I will. A hand-picked Top 10 every week. Consider it a little mid-week endorphin rush:
☆ Every individual who joined me at tonight's Asian American and Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander history celebration represents a simple truth. There is no singular AANHPI identity. It’s your diversity and breadth of achievement that has strengthened the fabric of America.
☆ 56,000 infrastructure projects and counting across every state and territory in America.
☆ Vice President Harris and I stand with the vast majority of Americans who support a woman’s right to choose. And we’ll continue to fight to protect reproductive rights and call on Congress to restore the protections of Roe v. Wade in federal law.
☆ I'm doing what’s always worked in our country: Giving people a fair shot. Leaving no one behind. And growing the economy from the middle out and bottom up. Because when we do that, we all do well.
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☆ Like Jill says, "Teaching isn’t just a job. It’s a calling." She knows that in her bones, and I know every educator who joined us at the White House for the first-ever Teacher State Dinner lives out that truth every day. Let’s give public school teachers a raise—it’s beyond time.
☆ Dreamers are our loved ones, nurses, teachers, and small business owners—they deserve the promise of health care just like all of us. Today, my Administration is making that real by expanding affordable health coverage through the Affordable Care Act to DACA recipients.
☆ There is no safe level of lead exposure. And the only way forward is to replace every lead pipe in America. That’s why Kamala and I are making sure our Administration is the first ever to set out to do it.
☆ As a nation, we need to support women’s sports by showing up in person and watching on TV—with more sponsorships and programming. Not just during championships. But all year round. Let's grow women’s sports and continue inspiring the nation.
☆ Today, I expanded the San Gabriel Mountains and Berryessa Snow Mountain national monuments. That means nearly 120,000 acres of culturally, ecologically, and historically important lands are now protected so future generations can explore and enjoy these irreplaceable sites.
Tweet on, Dark Brandon.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 15, 2024
Note: Today is National Nylon Stockings Day. Pro tip: Before robbing a bank, place the stockings over your head and then tie up the leg parts behind you so they don’t flop around and distract you during the heist. Above all, have fun, you rascal. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Independence Day: 50
Days 'til the Kentucky Sheep and Fiber Festival in Lexington: 3
Factor by which President Biden is increasing tariffs on electric vehicles imported from China: 4x
Year by which Biden wants net-zero carbon emissions across the U.S. economy: 2050
Age of Lincoln Deming of Kittery, Maine, the latest Jan. 6 insurrectionist to be arrested: 44
Size of the U.S. wedding industry: $100 billion
Average cost of a wedding dress last year: $2,000
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 3 Supernatural Events and a frosty mug of savior suds). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Battle of the pom-poms…
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CHEERS to friendly visits. Now that Russia has decided to try a spring offensive on for size, Ukraine needs aid and moral support more than ever. That's why Secretary of State Antony Blinken dropped in via the midnight train to Kiev this week…
"We know this is a challenging time," Blinken said in the Ukrainian capital, where he met with Zelenskyy. But he added that American military aid is "going to make a real difference against the ongoing Russian aggression on the battlefield."
The visit comes less than a month after Congress approved a long-delayed foreign assistance package that sets aside $60 billion in aid for Ukraine.… Artillery, air defense interceptors and long-range ballistic missiles have already been delivered, some of them already to the front lines, said a senior U.S. official traveling with the secretary on an overnight train from Poland who spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity ahead of Blinken's meetings. […]
The official acknowledged that Ukraine faces "a tough fight" and is "under tremendous pressure" but argued that Ukrainians "will become increasingly more confident" as the new U.S. and other Western assistance begins to arrive.
Before he left, Secretary Blinken stopped by the Kiev duty-free gift shop to pick up a souvenir. He settled on a snow globe. When you shake it a Russian general falls out a window.
CHEERS to order in the court. The testimony of "fixer" Michael Cohen in Trump's election-interference trial wrapped up yesterday. The prosecution attorneys extracted more damning information from him about the scheme to cover up TFG's hush-money payments by jiggering the numbers and hiding the payoffs.
The defense attorneys chased him around the room with a broom, returning to their seats only after realizing that the effort wasn't worth it because they were assuredly going to get stiffed by the defendant on their bill. Regular news outlets parsed the proceedings from all angles, while the MAGA press reminded viewers that they would go straight to Hell if they didn’t accept that Trump is God's second son, and easily the best of the sons, believe me, because he is doing all the best things in the best ways, and doing them in the face of fake news and Sleepy Joe Biden's woke agenda, and why the hell hasn't he been impeached yet?!! I forget what else I made up after that, but I think it involved shackles and a Bollywood number. Not necessarily in that order.
CHEERS to special deliveries. On May 15, 1918, the first airmail route got started in the U.S. It ran between Washington, Philadelphia and New York. They had to retool the operation when it became apparent that dangling a mailman from a rope was a really bad idea. Especially in Briarpatch County.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the morning after. Whoa—what a primary day yesterday, huh? The fisticuffses in Maryland, West Virginny, Alaska—my god, Alaska—and North Carolina were brutal, expensive, and legendary. And now that they're over, we've condensed hours of copious note taking and number crunching to summarize just what the hell we saw last night in excruciatingly-fine detail right down to the precinct level. Here we go…
Content removed because obviously the winners were not Mr. Spock, Captain Morgan, Papa Smurf, or the ghost of Betty White.
Y’know, we really thought Billeh learned his lesson after we took him off the front page. Now we may have to toss him down at the bottom, below the “privacy policy” button.
We apologize for the dissemination of this inaccurate information via all the network broadcasts, the AP, UPI, Reuters, USA Today, and The New York Times before we could pull this down. Actual results can be found here. Sheesh!
—The Daily Kos Elections Team
Congrats to all the winners. Next week: on to Kentucky and Oregon. And once again we'll be on it like paste on glue on double-sided tape covered in cat hair, for which we preemptively apologize.
JEERS to Today's Stunning Announcement. Yesterday the local TV anchor came on and delivered the news:
"What you buy at the grocery can be an indication of your eating habits."
We believe that's especially true if your shopping cart is loaded up with nothing but fava beans and a nice chianti. Thpthpthpthp!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 15, 2014
CHEERS to closure. Yeah, I hate that word, but it seems appropriate today. With Osama bin Laden dead and most of his lieutenants either dead or jailed, the shiny new World Trade Center building rising 1,776 feet like a middle finger salute to al Qaeda, and the "footprints" of the twin towers a lovely outdoor memorial, today the final task in the wake of the 2001 tragedy will be completed: the dedication by President Obama of the National September 11th Memorial Museum:
The Museum’s 110,000 square feet of exhibition space is located within the archaeological heart of the World Trade Center site—telling the story of 9/11 through multimedia displays, archives, narratives and a collection of monumental and authentic artifacts.
The monumental artifacts of the Museum provide a link to the events of 9/11, while presenting intimate stories of loss, compassion, reckoning, and recovery that are central to telling the story of the attacks and the aftermath.
It opens to the public next Wednesday. It was a bumpy ride to get it done, but it looks like they did a thoughtful and respectful job. Also today: Rush Limbaugh does an unthoughtful and disrespectful job exploiting the event by blaming 9/11 on Democrats. Unfortunately, closure doesn't extend to his yap.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to green thumbery. With garden-worthy weather finally here in Portland, last weekend was a good time to remind ourselves of some important rules:
• Clean up dog poop before using the weed whacker.
• If the neighbors have some new flowers in their garden that would look great in yours, take just enough so that they don’t notice and call the cops.
• Do not expect your cat to come to you when you say "Here, Kitty Kitty" and you're holding a shovel.
• The sight of bees may warm your heart, but do not try to kiss them.
• If you pull a weed, but it turns out to not be a weed on account of it's actually an expensive stargazer lily planted by your significant other, replace it with a dandelion and speak no more of it.
Trust me on that last one. Unless you really enjoy sleeping under the stars.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Hello, Cheers and Jeers! And thank you for the warm welcome. But please keep it down because Donald Trump is sleeping."
—President Biden
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