News Flash: Joe Tweets.
Every online piece of shit pooped out by President Biden’s predecessor—first on Twitter, now on Truth Social—gets fawned over and amplified by the media. No matter how deranged, unhinged, violent, false, or nonsensical they may be, the guy’s rants and ramblings are like catnip to reporters and pundits alike. But the tweets by the current president? Nah—they’re too positive, too compassionate, too fact-based and motivational.
If the press won’t shine a light on Joe’s tweets, we will. Ten hand-picked inspirational nuggets a week. Consider it a little early-morning endorphin rush:
☆ The desire to know what freedom is and what it can be is the heart and soul of this college. Proving that a free nation is born in the hearts of men spellbound by fearlessness and freedom. That’s the magic of Morehouse. That’s the magic of America. [Joe delivered the commencement address there Sunday.]
☆ Since Barack and I created CFPB, the agency has taken on special interests on behalf of hardworking families. Its work to end corporate rip-offs is more important than ever—and the Supreme Court decision to uphold its funding is an unmistakable win for American consumers.
☆ On the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia, my Administration stands in solidarity with LGBTQI+ people around the world as they seek to live lives free from hate-fueled violence and discrimination. It’s a matter of human rights, plain and simple.
☆ No one should be jailed for simply using or possessing marijuana.
☆ HBCUs are responsible for: 40% of Black engineers, 50% of all Black teachers, 70% of all Black doctors and dentists, And 80% of all Black judges. Today I’m proud to announce we’ve invested over $16 billion in HBCUs, the most ever by any Administration.
-
☆ Education is linked with freedom. That’s why the Brown v. Board decision we commemorate today is so important. The work of building a democracy of possibility—a democracy worthy of our dreams—starts with opening the school doors of opportunity for all.
☆ I’m building an economy from the middle out and bottom up—and our investments are making a difference.
☆ This Armed Forces Day, Jill and I thank all those who took an oath to defend our Constitution. We have no greater responsibility than to equip those we send into harm’s way and care for them when they come home. May God protect those who wear the uniform of the United States.
☆ I've long believed that people who’ve borne the brunt of pollution should be the first to see the benefits of new investment—that’s why my Justice40 Initiative is delivering for disadvantaged communities. Environmental justice will always be at the heart of my climate fight.
Tweet on, Dark Brandon.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, May 21, 2024
Note: Surprising absolutely no one, this note has won Best Note at the Cannes Note Festival. The standing ovation lasted 20 minutes. On to the Oscars!
-
By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til summer: 30
Days 'til the 34th annual ChowderFest in Waterville Valley, New Hampshire: 5
Number of states that recorded at least a 15% decline in fatal drug overdoses in 2023: 4
Decline in fatal drug overdoses in Maine in 2023: 16%
Time it took MIT grads Anton and James Peraire-Bueno to allegedly steal $25 million in cryptocurrency, an act for which they’ve been arrested: 12 seconds
Date on which the Dow Industrials topped 40,000 for the first time: 5/16/24
Age of actor Dabney Coleman (9 to 5, On Golden Pond, Deadwood) when he died last week: 92
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Resistance is futile…
-
CHEERS to clearing the decks. Thanks to the Herculean efforts of—in no particular order—Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, Maryland Governor Wes Moore, Baltimore Mayor Brandon Scott, and a small army of experts in the art and science of cleaning up after a bridge collapse, the cargo ship that brought down the Francis Scott Key Bridge in March was finally moved back into port. Now all efforts can be focused on removing the bridge debris and getting the port back open for business. Sounds like everything is on schedule:
Gov. Moore said Sunday he expects to have the channel reopened by the end of the month.
Free at last.
“I’m proud that we’re on track that by the end of May we’ll have that federal channel reopened,” Moore said on NBC’s Meet the Press. “And within days, we’re going to have that massive vessel, the Dali, out of that federal channel.”
Once the shipping lanes are open, work will then focus on replacing the bridge with new infrastructure that uses cutting-edge technology guaranteeing it can't be threatened by vessels ever again. Or as it's better known: a tunnel.
CHEERS to more mayhem, mind games, and madness in Manhattan. The Trial Of The Century continued in a New York courtroom yesterday, and the questions on the top of everyone's mind throughout the nation were a bit odd, considering the defendant is a former President of the United States:
Did he fall asleep…again?
Nice work on his terrified eyes.
Did he burp…again?
Did he fart…again?
Did he poop his diaper…again?
Did he get admonished by the judge for violating his gag order…again?
Did he provide talking points for his cultists from the House and Senate to shout at the press to help him circumvent his gag order…again?
Did he get admonished by the judge for swearing in court…again?
Did chunks of Adderall fly out his nose when he snorted derisively…again?
And he's still the undisputed leader of one of our two major political parties, folks. We are truly an exceptional nation. Exceptionally schlumpnutty.
CHEERS to partying parties. On this date in 1832, the first Democratic National Convention got under way in Baltimore. The top issues were Andrew Jackson's contempt for the Second Bank of the United States and the business of voting on a running mate. (Martin Van Buren got the nod in a blowout.) And there was this curious factoid:
[T]he Summary of the Proceedings notes that a delegation was sent to ask Charles Carroll of Carrollton to attend. At that moment in time, he was the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence. Carroll declined, citing ill health. (He died later that year.)
Jackson and Van Buren went on to crush Henry Clay and John Sergeant in the general, due mostly to their campaign slogan: "Don't Make Andrew Mad. You Don't Want to See Andrew When He's Mad."
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to jump-starting the jalopy. 121 years ago this week, the first auto repair shop opened in Boston. Followed soon after by the first auto repair bill-induced cardiac arrhythmia.
JEERS to rickety whirlybirds. Before Sunday, Iran was a hellish theocracy where women have no rights, gays are stoned to death, elections are rigged, leaders are corrupt, terrorists are supported, unemployment is high, inflation is off the charts, and freedom is a dirty word. And then this happened:
Iran's President Ebrahim Raisi, along with the country's foreign minister and others, were found dead Monday morning hours after their helicopter crashed in dense fog in a mountainous region of the country's northwest, state media reported. Raisi was 63.
Now Iran is a hellish theocracy where women have no rights, gays are stoned to death, elections are rigged, leaders are corrupt, terrorists are supported, unemployment is high, inflation is off the charts, and freedom is a dirty word. But now they have a new president.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: May 21, 2014
CHEERS to a graceless exit from a classless man. That police commissioner in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire—the one who admitted calling President Obama a ni**er after deciding that "He meets and exceeds my criteria for such”—decided that the town didn’t deserve his police commissioneering talents, so he resigned. Robert Copeland says he's stepping down so he can spend more time with his family. Of lawn jockeys.
-
And just one more…
JEERS to unsolved mysteries. Crisis! Our microwave oven went on the fritz over the weekend. One moment it was working fine and then all of a sudden it wasn't working at all.
After being told by the 911 dispatcher that they don’t handle appliance-related calls (Why not? Why not??!!), we fell back on the emergency preparedness training from our time in the Boy Scouts. So we took turns throwing rocks at it, beating it with sticks, putting a tourniquet on it, yelling at it real loud while waving our arms to make ourselves look more threatening, and even lighting a cooking fire inside it with leaves and twigs and bits of our hair and clothing.
All to no avail. What...the...fudge?
Those microwaved candles look delish.
We checked the fuse box in the basement, and checked it again. We called the electric company to find out if there was a citywide, statewide, or nationwide outage. We consulted NASA to see if maybe our unit had been damaged by those recent solar flares. We pried it open with a crowbar to see if gremlins were inside, but all we found were dust bunnies.
We threw it out the window, ensuring it crashed violently on the sidewalk below. (Sorry, old lady pedestrian, we didn’t see you. Glad you're okay—can we sign your cast?) We shook fistfuls of exotic healing herbs at it. We hired the Queer Eye guys to give it a makeover. We even sent it to a trade school hoping it would learn how to fix itself, but all it did was party.
So we've concluded that nothing is going to fix this microwave oven. It's the first one that's ever died on us—previous ones were always replaced before they went belly-up. So now we don’t know what to do. So far our options are: turning to a life of drugs and crime, and…well, that's as far as we've gotten because the drugs and crime keep getting in the way of our brainstorming sessions. So for those of you who think Michael and I live a charmed life of New England simplicity and placidity, think again. Think again real hard.
Have a better Tuesday than our weekend was. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"This is a rogue Cheers and Jeers that has gone off the rails."
—Jennifer Rubin
-
