The Week Ahead
Monday Today is International Town Crier's Day. Also known as Lindsey Graham every day.
In the middle of a press conference during which he insists President Biden must step aside for health reasons, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell freezes up yet again due to a formaldehyde deficiency and has to be wheeled off on a dolly.
Tuesday The conservative Supreme Court justices celebrate the end of their wrecking-ball session by getting together at John Roberts' summer place to play a few rounds of Stare Decisis Jenga. The first one to cause everything to collapse into a pile of smoldering fascist rubble wins. (Sam Alito abstains, as he and his wife consider the forces of gravity demonic.)
Also Wednesday: the James Webb space telescope gives us our first glimpse of the creator of the universe.
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene undergoes emergency surgery after accidentally getting a verified fact stuck in her skull cavity. Ironically, the removal procedure is performed by a Jewish doctor with a laser.
Wednesday The Mortgage Bankers Association releases its "mortgage purchase applications index." As usual, half of the applicants signed where they should've initialed, and initialed where they should've signed, and it's such a mess that all the bankers give up and go out for martinis.
In the middle of a press conference during which he insists President Biden must step aside because his brain isn’t functioning properly, House Speaker Mike Johnson starts speaking in tongues and then launches into a tirade about how all the gays and abortion doctors need to be fed to the kraken WHICH TOTALLY EXISTS!!!
Thursday Democrats in Congress work to get more Americans health care, help Ukraine defeat Russia, fight domestic terrorism, protect women's abortion rights, raise the minimum wage, lower gas prices, and make it easier to vote. Republicans try to get fewer Americans health care, help Russia defeat Ukraine, encourage domestic terrorism, lower the minimum wage, keep gas prices high so they can blame it on Democrats, and make it harder to vote. Today’s top story in The New York Times: why aren’t Democrats doing enough to help real Americans?
Friday The University of Michigan Consumer Sentiment Index is released. America's mood registers an uptick from "inflamed" to "toaster strudel." (It's a weird index.)
For yet another week, the only one to make good on a promise of delivering change to the planet is the climate.
Have a good one. And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, July 8, 2024
Note: Got a text last night from the International Space Station: ”Send oxygen now! Send oxygen now! “ Yeah, like I'm just sitting on a bunch of extra air. Set up a GoFundMe account or whatever the kids do these days. I’m not a scientist!
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til the Democratic convention in Chicago: 42
Days 'til the Maine Potato Blossom Festival in Fort Fairfield: 5
Vote by the Kansas Supreme Court striking down two laws restricting abortion providers because the state constitution protects abortion rights: 5-1
Number of consumer complaints about airline service received by the Dept. of Transportation in 2023, up from 86,000 in 2022: 97,000
Office vacancy rate for the 2nd quarter, the highest recorded, according to Moody's: 20.1%
Amount for which Saks Fifth Avenue is buying Nieman Marcus: $2.65 billion
Year that jousting became the official sport in Maryland: 1962
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday dance fever…
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CHEERS to jobs jobs jobs jobs jobs. Good news on the June employment front, as announced Friday: 206,000 new jobs were created, exceeding expectations. More good news: the official unemployment rate remains low at 4.1%. So what to make of it all? More from Bill McBride at Calculated Risk:
Construction employment increased 27 thousand and is now 630 thousand above the pre-pandemic level.
Manufacturing employment decreased 8 thousand and is now 170 thousand above the pre-pandemic level. [...]
Yeah, sure. Let’s turn the reins back over to the job killer.
The 25 to 54 years old participation rate increased in June to 83.7% from 83.6% in May to the highest level since 2001.
As usual, the sector in which the fewest Americans are working remains Republicans in Congress.
JEERS to an opposing view. Because nothing good can ever be accepted with a smile and a little endorphin rush, here's the official response to the June jobs report by the Henny Penny crowd on the cable news channels. Caution: flying spittle ahead…
"YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS AND WHAT ABOUT THAT AND WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER THING AND THE OTHER OTHER THING AND WHAT ABOUT THE RECESSION WE’VE BEEN PREDICTING FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS THAT SURELY IS GOING TO HAPPEN THIS WEEK AND THE METEORS AND THE CARAVANS AND WHY CAN'T THE LEFT JUST MOVE A LITTLE MORE TO THE CENTER TO PLACATE THE RIGHT AND ISN’T THIS GOOD JOBS NEWS JUST A WAY FOR BIDEN TO COVER UP HIS DEMENTIA?????"
Somebody get Andrea Mitchell a sedative.
CHEERS to a compelling story well told. On July 8, 1776, the Declaration of Independence got its first public reading in Philadelphia. The crowd's response was loud and unanimous: "Speak up! Grandma forgot her Beltone!"
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Yankee Ingenuity. On this date in 1872, the doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maine. But only after his early attempts to market it as the Ronco Miracle Circumcision Wizard failed to catch on.
JEERS to the return of the do-nothings. That stench you smell today is the House ramping up for another stretch of incompetence, intransigence and invective. Among the things they're not expected to get done: all the things they say they're expecting to get done.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 8, 2014
JEERS to unpleasant tasks. You may have heard that conservative-movement overlord Richard Mellon Scaife is dead at 82. He was the conspiracy-theorist who hired private investigators to look into his crazy theories that the Clintons had murdered a bunch of people, including Vince Foster. He got booted from Yale for being a drunken asstwit. His ideology was vile and despicable. His financing of delusional fringe groups like the tea party caused untold damage to this country, which he reveled in. He was so committed to the institution of traditional heterosexual marriage that he married and divorced twice, after which he put a sign on his house reading, "Wife and dog missing—reward for dog." But he's dead now, and my policy is I gotta say at least one positive thing about the departed, so here goes: he maintained a nice lawn. Ta-dah!!!
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the latest stiff upper lip in charge. If it's a day ending in y, then the mighty British Empire must have a new prime minister:
[Keir] Starmer, a bespectacled 61-year-old former human rights lawyer whose oratory provokes more drowsiness than hope, more may be just what Britain needs, according to political scientists and former officials. [...]
Peter Hain, who served in various Blair cabinets and is now a member of the House of Lords, said Starmer's hyper-disciplined political style and personality may not quicken the pulse.
Prime Minister Keir Starmer, seen here during his coronation.
"But I think people across the political parties are pretty sick of excitement. A government that brings a bit of stability and common sense to our national affairs, instead of wild oscillations, will help confidence."
Starmer would, he said, "navigate" Britain toward "calmer waters."
Starmer of the Labour Party will, according to expert analysts, likely be on the job for a period of years, thus necessitating creation of a new schedule for dismantling the revolving door in front of 10 Downing Street (5 Tory PM’s in 14 years), adding that they will absolutely continue throwing commoners in The Tower if they fail to pronounce it correctly as “Shedjh-yool.”
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I rarely read all the comments that come in after I post but because I was so happy at the transformation of my Maine Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. I was surprised at the harsh judgment so many displayed!!!"
—Martha Stewart
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