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This film has not been rated because none of the raters will go near it.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 1, 2024
Note: Don’t forget that August 1 is random drug-testing day in C&J. If you test negative, you'll be escorted to the exit by security. And since security is currently high as a kite, we'd appreciate it if you'd help them find the exit for you. Thank you. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the presidential debate between Kamala Harris and probably an empty lectern: 40
Days 'til the Corn Roast Festival in Westminster, Maryland: 2
Current U.S. inflation rate: 2.97%
Number of openly-LGBTQ athletes competing at the Olympics in Paris, including 29 Americans: 144
Score of Team USA (Simone Biles, Sunisa Lee, Jordan Chiles and Jade Carey) in the team gymnastics event, which earned them a gold medal: 171.296
Number of job openings in the U.S. in June, unchanged from May: 8.2 million
Estimated number of American teens who are getting counseling, medication or other mental health-related treatment: 8.3 million
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
What ho, sports fans? Has this been a dandy spell for mind-boggling government, or what?
Still no weapons of mass destruction, and every neocon in America is creating elaborate rationales for why it makes no difference whatever if we were lied to about this war.
Meanwhile, in a truly creative demonstration of their problem-solving abilities, White House staffers fixed the entire global warming problem by editing it out of a report on the environment. Way to go, team! Why pay attention to scientists when you can insert a study paid for by the American Petroleum Institute instead? That Karl Rove, just brilliant. As President Bush said on June 4, "I'm the master of low expectations." And he continues to prove it.
—August 1, 2003
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Meet Beacon, the U.S. Olympic therapy dog…
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CHEERS to August. The dog days. The month everybody, not just Congress, should be allowed to take off. The month kids dread because they know school is starting up again soon. The month parents love because they know school is starting up again soon. The 13th is the high Republican holiday known as "Blame Someone Else Day" and the next 31 days will also see National Raspberry Cream Pie Day, Watermelon Day, Ice Cream Sandwich Day, Mustard Day, Potatoe Day (I prefer the Dan Quayle spelling), Cherry Popsicle Day, and Trail Mix Day, to be followed on September 1st with "Honey, Where Did We Put The Treadmill?" Day.
Ukraine will continue outwitting Russia’s army of children and old men. And Kamala Harris’s VP announcement (Tuesday), followed by the Democratic convention (the 19th) will only add more height to the Team Blue bounce. In the meantime, the Paris Olympics will continue to keep us amazed for another week.
Loni Anderson and I (but, sadly, not fellow Leo Neil Armstrong, except in spirit) blow out our birthday candles Monday, a day after Barack Obama turns a still-youthful 63. (Enjoying your Social Security checks, sir?) Of course, it's also the month during which you never want to introduce a bogus war based on lies to the public, but you apparently do want to illegally restore a defeated former president to power upon orders from a former coke addict who now stuffs pillows with metal shavings and dryer lint for a living. As for movies, just when we thought a comeback was in the works, August comes along and so does the mediocrity. (Gee, which should I watch first: Reagan or Hinckley?)
And as always, for another month humanity will continue destroying the planet at a record pace in pursuit of money, power, and whiz-bang consumer goods. Oh, for the good old days when August used to be boring
CHEERS to #47. Her nomination in the bag, Vice President Kamala Harris is steamrolling toward the White House, tossing King Weirdo Donald Trump around like a rag doll as America's real Americans coalesce around her, ensuring she won't be wanting for either money or people power. But…what do we know about her, really? Who is she? What does she want? What makes her tick? What's her angle? I set to find out, and what I discovered on Wikipedia was…well, it was downright biographical:
» Born Kamala Devi Harris of an Indian mother and Jamaican father in Oakland, California on October 20, 1964. For ten months of each year she and I are the same age, which can only bode well for her karma. (Or should I say…her Karmala?)
» Graduated from Westmount High School in Montreal, Quebec, where she'd moved with her then-divorced mom. Graduated with a degree in economics and political science from Howard University in 1986, and three years later received her JD from the University of California College of the Law in San Francisco.
» Early career moves: deputy District Attorney for Alameda County and then San Francisco, where she headed the Career Criminal Division. Elected District Attorney in 2002 and reelected in 2007, where she created special units for environmental crimes and hate crimes. She was fond of driving a modified snowplow through the walls of criminal mastermind lairs while shouting, “Hands up, evildoers! You’ve been collared by Kamala!”
» Attorney General of California from 2011-2017
» U.S. Senator from California 2017-2021
» Vice President from 2021-2025
» Married to former entertainment lawyer and now Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff since 2014. Two stepchildren. One sister.
» Member of Third Baptist Church of San Francisco.
And her favorite meal: rusty nails washed down with conservative tears.
CHEERS to smart war management. 163 years ago, in 1861, President Lincoln signed into law the first federal income tax. He felt it was fiscally responsible because we were waging a civil war. Today red-hatted Republicans would tar Lincoln as a tax-and-spend liberal and hold the surrender ceremony at Appomattox hostage until he backed down and repealed it. And after Abe got done with them, there'd be a lot of weepy Republicans pulling their red hats out of their asses.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to great inventions. 137 years ago this week, in 1887, Chester A. Hodge of Beloit, Wisconsin received a patent for barbed wire. Or as the Ukranian freedom fighters call it: dental floss.
CHEERS to Civic Duty Tuesday. Sure, the Nazis are trying to take over our country at the speed of a hopped-up Tiger tank. But that doesn’t mean we can't spend the occasional day voting in primary elections, does it? Nein! Nein, sage Ich!!! Tuesday saw some contests in Arizona. Sure, you could go to the Daily Kos Elections Team feed and get caught up on their brilliant analysis posted at lightning speed as the results rolled in. Or, you can watch what I'm about to do, which is at least ten times as impressive. [Cracks knuckles.] [Closes eyes.] [Takes deep breath.] [Starts shaking pom-poms]
Hup hup hup hup! Let’s GO!
Z! R! O! N! I! A!
Aaaaaaaaaand………….another A!!!
That’s Arizona shouted in reverse alphabetical order, and I only peeked at my notes twice. So who’s the real winner? Me me me...go me!
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 1, 2014
CHEERS to the rules of the half-baked road. Yesterday, as chaos consumed the planet and Congress was on the verge of imploding, the merry elves in the House Oversight and Government Subcommittee on Government Operations (HOGS GO!) met to discuss the growing wave of pot legalization around the country and establish federal penalties for DUI'ing under the demon spell of marijuana. The meeting was considered a success when they all agreed that anyone caught driving while stoned should pay a hundred bucks for every ten miles per hour they're driving under the speed limit
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And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. With the dog days of August here, I thought I'd head over to NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory site and see what'll be happenin’ up yonder this month as we drift down the nearest lazy river at night takin' in the starshine and other celestial what-nots. This month’s big event is the party in the Lagoon Nebula and some cosmic swan diving. Here's NASA's Preston Dyches with a preview:
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This month’s full “seasonal blue” moon is the 19th. Don’t forget to go outside, think of Neil Armstrong, and wink at the full moon, followed by the tradition August post-wink mantra: "Ouch—f*cking mosquitoes."
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I'm shocked and appalled about what you've told me about Bill in Portland Maine."
—Anthony Hopkins
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