Wednesday + Haiku = Wedhaineskuday!
Joe’s legacy shines
History will not forget
Country over self
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It threatens us all
Oceans cannot protect us
Kamala's tan suit
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Sundhnúkagígar, dude
Iceland lava fountains dance
Next time: chocolate
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Mom sips on cocktail
Bless this sunny happy morn!
School bus pulls away
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JD buys doughnuts
I can't complete this haiku
I'm laughing too hard
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 4, 2024
Note: Today is Bring Your Manners to Work Day. To commemorate the occasion properly, please steal your co-workers’ food from the employee fridge with pinky extended. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
2 days!!!
Weeks 'til Trump's sentencing for his election-interference convictions: 2
Days 'til Minnesota's Kellogg Watermelon Festival: 2
Number of hotel workers striking in 8 cities for better wages and working conditions: 10,000
Percent of high school teachers surveyed in 2023 by Pew Research who say that cellphones are a major problem in the classroom: 72%
Percent of public schools that now prohibit non-academic use of cellphones or smartphones during school hours: 76%
Number of Brazilians who used Twitter before it was blocked by a judge there because Elon Musk failed to follow some law or other: 40 million
Average Portland, Maine temperature between June and August, 2.5 degrees above normal and the second-warmest summer on record: 69.2F
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 3 droughts and 1 End Times killjoy). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Soon, soon…
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CHEERS to pouring gas on the dumpster fire. As we plunge headlong into the final two-month whirlwind that will leave us all dazed and confused by the time November 5th rolls around, let's take stock of where things stand by using our tried-and-true method: Googling for a story that fits our pre-conceived narrative woo hoo!!! And the winner is…USA Today for sending this Mainer into a happy dance, complete with lewd gyrations:
In a new USA TODAY/Suffolk Poll, Democratic prospects have brightened and Republican confidence has been shaken in a presidential campaign that has unexpectedly pitted Vice President Kamala Harris against former president Donald Trump.
On the campaign trail while their opponent golfs.
With President Joe Biden sidelined—to the dismay of Republicans, not Democrats—Harris in the space of six weeks has eclipsed the enthusiasm gap with the GOP and narrowed Trump's advantage on handling the economy and immigration, the survey finds. She now leads Trump 48%-43%,an edge within the poll's margin of error. […]
The boost for Democrats has extended down the ballot. In June, registered voters said they supported their local Republican congressional candidate over the Democratic one by a narrow 47%-45%. Now likely voters support the Democratic candidate over the Republican by 48%-43%...
Please continue discussing this stunning political reversal of fortune amongst yourselves. I just happy danced my shin into the coffee table.
JEERS to roundtables full of blockheads. If there's one thing we can all count on, it's this: the D.C. pundits and prognosticators are so sharp and perceptive that they will never let us down with their predictions—especially when it comes to their predictions about the behavior of Republican candidates. Like, for instance: remember how they breathlessly insisted that Kamala Harris's opponent in the race for the presidency would, after the GOP convention, soften his tone and "move to the middle," focusing on the issues voters care about? Yeah. As usual, they were Charlie Brown and their predictions were Lucy with the football:
[T]he ex-president has unveiled a broad assault using the insult-driven politics with which he won power in 2016, even as his advisers have been pleading with him to focus his attention on top voter concerns including high prices and immigration. […]
As is the case with most bullies.
He and his running mate, JD Vance, implied her mixed race—heritage that millions of Americans share—is evidence of a sinister “chameleon”-like character that also explains policy reversals on energy and immigration. In an ugly moment, he amplified a sexually themed social media slander against her.
And in a reprise of past GOP campaigns branding Democratic nominees as extreme liberals, Trump and his supporters are trying to frame Harris as a communist and a “Bolshevik.” South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem blasted Harris’ running mate, Tim Walz, as a “security risk” because he once taught in China.
Never fear, though. They may have been wrong a thousand times before, but I'm sure they'll hit paydirt on their latest set of predictions: Trump will hug a puppy, kiss a baby, serve ice cream at a state fair, and make a donation to the Save the Sharks Foundation.
CHEERS to far-from-conventional conventions. 250 years ago this week, back yonder in 1774, the First Continental Congress assembled at Carpenters' Hall in Philadelphia to push back against the monarchy of a mad narcissist:
It was held because the colonists were very upset about the Intolerable Acts and the taxes. The Intolerable Acts were punishments that King George III put on the colonies. He put them on so the colonists would feel sorry about dumping tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party.
Of course, the opposite happened. We got royally pissed, revolted, formed our own country, and then thrived and prospered until we started coming apart at the seams and heading down the path to becoming a monarchy led by a mad narcissist thanks to the efforts of...the Tea Party. Oh George, you sneaky bastard.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to that other city that never sleeps. On September 4, 1781, Los Angeles (Spanish for "Los Angeles" from the Latin root “Los Angeles”) was founded by Spanish settlers. They would've settled there a lot sooner but traffic on the 101 was a bitch.
CHEERS to our Top Questions of the Day. We ask so you don’t have to. And a' one and a' two…
IT'S SEPTEMBER, HAS THE FED CUT INTEREST RATES YET? HAS THE FED CUT INTEREST RATES YET? HAS THE FED CUT INTEREST RATESYET?
HOW 'BOUT NOW?
ANYTHING YET? HAS THE FED CUT INTEREST RATES YET? HAS THE FED CUT INTEREST RATES YET?
WHY HAVEN'T THEY CUT INTEREST RATES YET? DID THEY CUT INTEREST RATES WHILE I WAS ASKING THAT LAST QUESTION ABOUT INTEREST RATES? DID THEY? DID THEY? HUH? HUH?
Join us in 24 hours when tomorrow's Top Questions of the Day will look just like today's.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 4, 2014
JEERS to weapons of search engine destruction. This is what happens when we let sharks just swim willy-nilly in the oceans that God gave humans for yachting and washing our clothes in. Google says it's been wrapping its trans-Pacific cables in Kevlar so sharks won't bite 'em:
[S]harks have long been a fiber cable's foe: In 1987, The New York Times wrote that sharks showed "an inexplicable taste" for the cables, which were new at the time. Earlier this week, Google announced it would be teaming up with five Asian telecom companies to fund a $300 million underwater cable network connecting the U.S. to Japan to ensure a super-fast connection for broadband and mobile content.
And in related news, Democrats in Congress have hired Google to wrap their ankles with Kevlar to protect themselves from Republicans.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to cool science. When all the death, doom and destruction get to be too much, there's always one place I can count on to restore my faith in humanity. I'm speaking of course about Dairy Queen. But when they're closed the next-best place is, of course, NASA, a jewel in the federal government's crown and an agency worth every tax dollar we send its way. If you happen to live under a sky, here's a preview of what you'll be seeing this month, courtesy of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory:
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Remember this important lesson: In space nobody can hear you scream. So make sure your texting device is fully charged so you can at least successfully type Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Cheers and Jeers is such a unicorn. These are some of the most open-minded people I’ve ever met.”
—Brad Ruggles
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