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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 22, 2025
Note: January is Bath Safety Month, and it’s your duty as an American citizen to remember the #1 bath safety tip: keep a loaded firearm hidden under your bubbles. (And don’t forget to scrub behind those ears, patriots.)
—Your Friends at the NRA
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til Australia Day: 4
Days 'til the Meltdown Winter Ice Festival in Rochester, Indiana: 7
Current GDP tracking for the 4th quarter of 2024: 2.5%
Total housing completions (including manufactured homes) in 2024, the highest since 2006: 1.73 million
Amount allocated (before Trump took office) by the Dept. of Energy for Puerto Rico to help develop renewable energy: $1.2 billion
Minimum number of groups suing to stop Elon Musk's fake "DOGE" initiative to cut government spending, on the grounds that it's violating federal law: 3
Amount for which the draft lyrics to Bob Dylan’s song Mr. Tambourine Man went for at a weekend auction: $508,000
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 3 plagues and 1 special gift from Mark Cuban). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Wiley gets an igloo…
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CHEERS to a reason to celebrate. Hey, everybody, I did it! After scouring the world for 149 hours yesterday, I found a bit of good news here on planet earth. Mazel Tov, you happy couples across the pond. No, not that pond, the other one…
Come this Thursday… a law that allows members of the LGBTQ community in Thailand to get married and have the same legal rights as heterosexual couples takes effect. […]
Gonna be some good Thai eatin’ at the receptions.
The marriage equality bill, which sailed through both the House of Representatives and the Senate, amended the Civil and Commercial Code to change the words “men and women” and “husband and wife” to “individuals” and “marriage partners.” It would open up access to full legal, financial and medical rights for LGBTQ couples.
“It is almost like a dream, but it’s not. So, congratulations to all,” [Prime Minister] Paetongtarn said. “I think it’s very important that the world notice us, and know that in this small country we have this kind of thought. We have this kind of support for our people. So, we all should be proud.”
Congrats to all the couples who, starting tomorrow, plan to—wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait for it—"Thai the knot." (I'm calling it: I win the internet today for that.)
JEERS to today's edition of Well, That's The Last Time I Listen to Him. Courtesy of Steve Bannon, who appears to have gotten out over his skis a wee bit:
“I will have Elon Musk run out of here by inauguration day.”
This has been today's edition of Well, That's The Last Time I Listen to Him.
JEERS to patronizing weasels doing patronizing weasel things. Speaking of garbage human beings named Elon Musk: Elon Musk. He had all the corner newsboys yelling "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Monday when he gave a pair of Nazi salutes during Very Bad Man's inauguration party. Really? A Nazi salute? You mean he's still a raging anti-Semite? Huh. Interesting. Because my encyclopedic memory tells me that one year ago this very day, Elon Musk was busy un-anti-Semiting himself at the perfect place to atone:
Elon Musk privately visited the Auschwitz-Birkenau site of a former Nazi German concentration camp on Monday before speaking later at a conference on rising antisemitism, after his social media platform X came under fire for some content.
“Heil myself!”
"Musk laid a wreath at the wall of death and took part in a short memorial ceremony and service by the Birkenau memorial," an EJA spokesman said.
Musk traveled last November to Israel, where he said he was against antisemitism and anything that "promotes hate and conflict" and stated that X would not promote hate speech.
Mr. Musk was apparently unmoved a year ago. Yes, unmoved by an actual visit to actual Auschwitz. My guess is it's because after giving him his tour, the caretakers politely declined his offer to buy the place and rename it “A.”
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the suds of our lives. 90 years ago today, canned beer made its debut in Richmond, Virginia:
In partnership with the American Can Company, the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of Krueger's Finest Beer and Krueger's Cream Ale to faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia.
Ninety-one percent of the drinkers approved of the canned beer, driving Krueger to give the green light to further production.
Which reminds me: what's Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh's favorite book in the whole world? Ayn Rand’s Atlas Chugged.
JEERS to frozen assets. Oh, we have been spoiled the last couple years—here in Maine, at least—with what seemed like winters that zipped right along. But this week we—and a big swath of the republic for which we stand with our tongue stuck to a flagpole—are thrust once again into a long-term deep-freeze.
How cold was it? It's colder than Stephen Miller at a civil liberties convention. Colder than a Starbucks executive at a union rally. Colder than the air at 30,000 feet when the door blows off your Boeing 737. Colder than the way Melania stares at anyone not named Barron. Colder than the glares the on-air staff gives the lone fact-checker at Fox News. Yeah…that cold.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 22, 2015
CHEERS to hittin' the road. On the heels of his powerhouse State of the Union address, President Obama strapped on Jetpack One and took off yesterday for deep-red territory starting with Boise, Idaho. He gave a barnburner at Boise State University in front of 6,600 people, and met with the family of an American pastor being held captive in Iran. And here's a fun fact:
Wednesday’s appearance was his first in Idaho as president. That leaves three other Republican states—South Carolina, South Dakota and Utah—as the only ones he has not visited, according to Mark Knoller of CBS News, whose record-keeping even the White House trusts. … Before long, he plans to visit [those states], finally completing the map.
Today he's in his mom's home state of Kansas, where he'll speak at the University of Kansas in Lawrence about his success in turning the economy around. Governor Sam Brownback—aka "Mr. Reaganomics on Steroids"—won’t be able to attend, but he will follow the proceedings with binoculars from atop his mountain of debt.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the wisdom of jbou. The famed Kossack—one of several who departed in 2016—is gone but not forgotten. C&J promised to revisit his sharp George-Carlin-meets-Stephen-Wright zingers from time to time because even nine (nine!) years later they never cease to crack me up. And whaddya know, today is one of those days. And away we go…
» As a kid, I'd get attention by saying inappropriate things and making fart noises. As an adult, I'm taller.
» I do not remember ordering this “new year.”
» Gravity is god's way of telling us we can nap wherever we want. Responsibilities are Satan's way of saying "No you fucking will not."
jbou
» BREAKING: Trump announces latest campaign promise to build an underground railroad and make black people pay for it.
» I ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, that's me.
» In the American political dictionary "moderate" should just say "does what banks want."
» Autocorrect makes me feel like I'm friends with a nosy, incompetent know-it-all.
» Time heals all wounds. Unless you suffered a horrible disfigurement working in a clock factory. Then it's just a grim reminder.
» The Karate Kid grew up to be The Karate Man and now he's the Pizza Hut delivery guy with a ponytail who tries to talk to you about swords.
» What are you even doing with your life if you aren't building a secret lair?
Teaching my squirrels how to do it for me, that’s what.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Bill In Portland Maine Misspells TikTok In The Most Unfortunate Way Possible"
—Mediaite
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