Mornin’, Girls!
Via The Late Show: thanks to the MAGA cult, being a boy is sooooooo last week...
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Can’t wait to see Trump’s Truth Social screeds when he has his first period.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 29, 2025
Note: You'll have to forgive me if I get emotional in C&J this morning. [Long pause] [Lip quivers] [A single tear drops] National Puzzle Day always makes me fall to pieces.
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til Valentine's Day: 16
Days 'til the 2025 New Mexico Chile Conference in Cruces: 5
Number of permanent visas and temporary visas the State Department issued to Colombian immigrants in FY2023, the latest year data is available: 7,500 / 746,000
Signups at Twitter alternative BlueSky since September, bringing its total membership to 29 million: 20 million
Number of tax returns the IRS expects to process between now and April 15: 140 million
Number of years that Penn and Teller have been working together: 50
Size of the earth's circumference: 24,900 miles
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 3 occults and 1 snappy answer to a stupid question). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Representing Iowa in Puppy Bowl XXI are…
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CHEERS to resistance…or some approximation of it. I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Hey Billeh! Do Democrats have a playbook for fighting the lockstep Nazi death cult now consuming our democracy from the inside out with the ultimate goal of destroying the planet so they can be embraced by the loving arms of Jesus?" Great question! Gold star next to your mittens in the coat room for you! The answer is…sure maybe probably we think so:
Democrats are crafting a new playbook for his second administration that departs from the noisy resistance of his first presidency. The new approach, according to more than a dozen party leaders, lawmakers and strategists, will be to zero in on pocketbook issues as they lay the groundwork for the 2026 midterm elections and beyond. And they plan to focus less on his cultural taunts and issues that don’t reach the kitchen table. […]
I can’t believe they thought my idea of renting a division of Carly Fiorina’s demon sheep was a baaaad idea.
Sen. Adam Schiff, D-Calif., who was in many ways the face of the first resistance to Trump, agreed with the approach. … “The renaming of the Gulf of Mexico and other absurdities like that we just let go,” he said. “But the stuff that really matters—the trade wars that are going to raise costs on people, the mass deportations that are going to raise food prices and cause suffering among huge numbers of families, the pardoning of criminals who beat police and now the focus on tax cuts for really rich people that will do nothing for working families. These are the big fights that we need to focus on.”
“We are going to talk every day and every week about what a rip-off this whole enterprise is,” [Senator Brian] Schatz said in an interview.
And if that doesn't work, we go to Plan B: itching powder.
JEERS to bad timing. It's Doomsday Clock time again, I guess, so let's check in and see how close to the End Of It All we are:
The symbolic clock now reads 89 seconds to midnight, advancing one second since last year's reset.
Warning! Be aware of hucksters on the street hawking fake doomsday clocks.
It is now the closest to midnight since the introduction of the clock in 1947.
The world is less safe and less stable than it was a year ago, said Dan Holz, chair of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists' science and security board.
“Arms control treaties are in tatters, and there are active conflicts involving nuclear powers,” he said, while misinformation, disinformation and conspiracies are a “threat multiplier.”
If there's anything we can do to help humanity reach annihilation faster, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask, said all the animals.
JEERS to lying liars. On January 29, 2001, President George W. Bush promised to "act boldly and swiftly" to deal with our challenges concerning energy. His brilliant idea: put Dick Cheney in charge of a secret task force that would make sure nothing happened boldly or swiftly. As a result, the big oil companies were forced to deal with the challenge of where to sock away all their record profits. (Thus explaining why the Exxon-Mobil CEO's mattress ended up twelve stories high.)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to, like, freeing your mind, man. Today is Freethinkers Day, which celebrates those who believe that truth should be formed on the basis of logic, reason, and empiricism, rather than authority, tradition, or religion. Noted freethinkers include Thomas Paine, Albert Einstein, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and anyone who has ever shouted, “The Fox News, it burns!”
JEERS to sons who make their fathers in Heaven sob with embarrassment. RFK Jr. has his Senate confirmation hearing today as he angles for the job of Secretary of Health and Human Services. Here's what you need to know about him:
☠ His former friends think he's fucking nuts
☠ He's directly responsible for countless deaths of children whose parents he brainwashed into thinking proven vaccines are bad
☠ There's a worm whose lifelong task of eating RFK Jr.'s brain is now 83 percent complete
Nut hanging out with fellow nuts pre-orgy.
☠ The worm thinks he’s fucking nuts.
☠ He cheated on his former wife so frequently that she killed herself
☠ He dumped a bear cub, which he'd picked up by the side of the road, in Central Park because he was late for a dinner engagement
☠ The medical community thinks he's fucking nuts
☠ Filed a lawsuit against a Daily Kos community member to try and expose his identity. It failed.
☠ His #1 goal is the destruction of our advanced health care system in favor of horse paste, copper bracelets, oatmeal enemas, and apple cider vinegar
☠ His family thinks he's fucking nuts
☠ According to confidential sources, thinks Joseph Mengele had some "interesting ideas"
Oh, almost forgot: he's a Capricorn. And yes, his fellow Capricorns think he's fucking nuts, too.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 29, 2015
CHEERS to the recuperator. Harry Reid had his eye-socket surgery yesterday to repair a flex-band injury, and doctors say it went well:
"The surgery took three and a half hours and was successful in removing the blood clot in his right eye,” [spokesman Adam] Jentleson said. … Doctors have said they are optimistic about his prospects for regaining vision in his right eye but there is no definitive verdict yet," Jentleson said.
"Sen. Reid will recuperate from his residence this week and continue to monitor the Senate floor closely through meetings and phone calls with his fellow senators, the White House and staff."
Meanwhile, the flex-band is steadily recovering from its Harry Reid injury.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to second chances. If 2025 hasn't gotten off to a good enough start for ya, here's good news: Today we all get a do-over with the start of the Chinese New Year—4723. Specifically, it's the year of the snake. If you were born in 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001 or 2013 you are a snake. Here...take a moment to get to know yourself:
Happy new year, snakes!
Snakes are self-respecting and steadfast; therefore, external voices won’t shake their resolve. They’re goal-oriented, and while they don’t often appear outwardly passionate, they’re blessed with a keen intuition and ample inspiration, making them very creative. … Snakes are emotionally detached, which can, at times, manifest as coldness or selfishness.
Others distrust them, as they seem to be calculating and only concerned with their own welfare, and Snakes distrust others in return.
In Chinese culture, your Ben Ming Nian, or zodiac birth year, is considered bad luck, so make sure to wear red clothing or jewelry...to keep away any misfortune.
With one important exception: make sure not to wear a red MAGA hat...to keep away any airborne rotten eggs.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Welp, if you’re the manager of a blog and you plan to rob the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, firing Bill in Portland Maine is step one!
—Marcie Jones, Wonkette
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