Late Night Snark: White MAGA Dopes Suck Ass Edition
"Trump delivered a virtual address at the World Economic Forum's annual meeting in Davos, Switzerland. In his speech he said that the past 72 hours have been nothing less than a 'revolution of common sense.' … And then he signed an executive order changing the name of Swiss cheese to Cheese of America."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Elon Musk was criticized for his speech at a rally after the inauguration in which he appears to give the Nazi salute. But come on, Elon Musk is not a Nazi. The Nazis made nice cars."
—Michael Che, SNL
"These deportation raids are happening all around the country right now, and they're going just about as poorly as we expected they would. Even Native Americans have been erroneously hassled by ICE. Imagine asking a Native American: 'Are you here illegally?' 'No, you're here illegally. You've been here illegally for the last 500 years!' Questioning Native Americans if they’re illegal immigrants might be the Trumpiest thing Trump has ever Trumped."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Can’t say they didn’t warn us!
—The Daily Show
"The White House shared photos of illegal migrants being placed on military planes to be deported. And Trump said the deportations won't stop until a white kid wins the Spelling Bee."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Health and Human Services Secretary nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr. testified today before the Senate Finance Committee. In related news, the Senate Finance Committee now has rubella."
—Seth Meyers
"Bobby was on Capitol Hill today interviewing to oversee all of America's health agencies including the FDA, the CDC, the NIH, and the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. [Audience boos] No, no…we've all seen the classic Jimmy Stewart movie: Mr. Smith Says COVID Was Ethnically Targeted to Spare Jews and Still Gets to Go to Washington."
—Stephen Colbert
“Putting RFK Jr. in charge of America's health is like making Elon Musk a Walmart greeter.”
—Michael Kosta, The Daily Show
"A new report shows that since last year the price of eggs has risen more than 35 percent, due to a shortage caused by new laws in red states that force chickens to carry their eggs to term."
—Michael Che
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 31, 2025
Note: A quick heads-up that C&J will be nothing but a figment of your imagination on Monday. Back Tuesday with the kiddie pool totally rewired for stereo. Gonna be great. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til Carrot Cake Day: 3
Days 'til the Joriad North American Truffle Dog Championship in Eugene, Oregon: 8
Percent change in interest rates set by the Federal Reserve Wednesday: 0%
Percent of Americans polled by AP/NORC who support separating children from their parents when the parents are detained for entering the country illegally: 17%
Percent who support arresting people who are in the country illegally while they’re in a church: 20%
Percent of Americans polled by Reuters-Ipsos who support renaming the Gulf of Mexico the "Gulf of America": 25%
Amount by which the Eiffel tower grows in the summer because of thermal expansion: 6"
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Check out Pennsylvania's competitors in Puppy Bowl XXI…
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CHEERS to February! Hooray—in a few hours we’ll have made it to the third and last month of meteorological winter in the northern hemisphere. For the shortest month, it sure packs a lot of goodies in it. Some of the highlights:
Use a sharpie to write events and appointments directly onto your screen with this handy online calendar, provided courtesy of C&J.
Black History Month (if the Republicans haven't canceled it yet), more daylight, Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney (Sunday), Waitangi Day in New Zealand, Heritage Day in Canada, Dia de la Bandera in Mexico, Cordova Ice Worm Day in Alaska, and Valentine's Day at fine retailers everywhere. President Very Bad Man and his stupid, incompetent administration will continue making stupid decisions that will be carried out incompetently based on 1) white supremacy, 2) Christian supremacy, and 3) whether or not Elon is on his meds.
Fearless prediction: tomorrow Wisconsin Democratic party chair Ben Wikler will be voted in as the new chair of the DNC.
Plus there's George & Abe's awesome storewide mattress sales, Charles Dickens Day, full "snow moon" on the 12th, Create A Vacuum Day (chaired this year by RFK Jr. because his cranial cavity contains the biggest black hole on the planet), and you’ll “flip” over National Pancake Day. I'll say this: we may live in a crumbling republic on a planet beset by fire and parasites…but at least it's never dull.
CHEERS to a green light for a pleasant weekend. Sure, the world's falling apart and the billionaire class is dismantling our country as they build more walls around their compounds (all the better to keep their Nazi artifacts and regalia secure from thievery and hidden from prying cameras).
But y'know what? While everyone else was frowning and fretting, I was busy googling the news section of the internet for "Senator Susan Collins" and "Concerned." And y'know what? As of this evening she's not concerned about anything! Not tyranny, not global warming, not egg prices, not outbreaks of lawlessness and pestilence, not asteroids, not the runs in her stockings—not. a. god. damned. thing.
So go forth, children. Be merry. Skip through the snow. Make a hearty stew. Tell tales of adventure by the fire. 23Aq-[op ß (<— Sorry about this. Millie the squirrel hopped onto the laptop this morning for a moment to write this, which loosely translates to "Feed me.") Dress up in something frilly and lacy. Be spontaneous. Because until you hear the ear-piercing blasts from Maine's senior senator and our nation's official Fog Horn of Concern, all is well.
CHEERS to super safety nets. 85 years ago today, the first Social Security check (#00-000-001) was issued to Ida May Fuller—a Vermonter and childhood classmate of Calvin Coolidge—for $22.54. Or, as Republican leaders calls it: "$22.54 too much." Despite all the despicable fearmongering coming from the right that Social Security is "flat broke," Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR) reminds us via email….
Here’s the truth: Social Security is fully solvent, and will be through 2038. So why all the bluster? It’s a giveaway to Wall Street, plain and simple.
Starting with Ida May Fuller in 1940, our nation has a proud history of rewarding a lifetime of hard work with the promise of financial security in one’s golden years. It’s been the most effective anti-poverty program in the history of the world.
As always...much obliged, FDR.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Bonus: Gene Kelly and the Nicholas Brothers onstage together
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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My dad was an engineer who used a slide rule for decades. When calculators came out he nearly wept with joy.
CHEERS to "slide-rule portability." Tech geeks, fall to your knees and grovel before “the world’s first pocket calculator.” On February 1, 1972, the hand-held HP-35 ("challenges a computer!") made its debut. Cost: a mere $395. And it was made the old-fashioned way—in the USA. Today's calculators are solar-powered, mainly because Detroit and the oil companies could never figure out a way to power 'em with internal combustion. If you get bored today (and if you made it this far down into C&J you must be): punch in 5318008, turn it upside down, call a phone number at random and read what you see to the person on the other end. But be mature about it.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If it's Friday, the boob tube must be singing its siren song. The viewing starts off the usual way with Chris Hayes and his fellow MSNBC hosts digesting the Friday news dumps. There’s also a new edition of Penn & Teller: Fool Us at 8 on the CW. (True fact: this year marks their 50th together.)
Grammys are Sunday night, and I expect Joe Pesci to win the night. I mean, it says right on the cover: Little Joe sure can sing!
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here. Pebble Beach, aka Jack Nicklaus's favorite golf course in the world, hosts its annual Pro-Am airing on CBS tomorrow and Sunday afternoon. Sorry, no NFL action this weekend, as the Chiefs and Eagles are powdering their noses for next weekend’s Super Bowl—or, if it’s a boring game, the Toilet Bowl! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
On 60 Minutes: a one-hour explanation from Scott Pelley for why there was no edition of 60 Minutes last Sunday. (I’m not buyin’ it, Scott.) Sunday night at the 67th Grammy Awards (CBS), for reasons no one will be able to explain, 92-year-old John Williams will sweep every heavy metal category, prompting a total audit of the ballots in search of bamboo fibers. (None will be found and he gets to keep the trophies.)
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senators Mark Kelly (D-AZ) and Eric Schmitt (Fascist-MO); puppy murderer Kristi Noem.
Sunday morning on CBS: Bernie Sanders, Onesie Slayer.
This Week: Canadian Ambassador to our fucked-up country Kirsten Hillman.
Face the Nation: Senators Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Mark Warner (D-VA).
CNN's State of the Union: Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Human toilet brush Lindsey Graham (Fascist-SC); Senator John Fetterman (D-Pluto).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 31, 2015
JEERS to Hothead McNastybritches. Senator John McCain, apparently thinking he was in the cantina scene from Star Wars, shouted at some Code Pink protesters yesterday: "Get out of here, you lowlife scum!" Less publicized are the words he shouted immediately after: "Not you, Senator Cruz. Get back in here."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Maine's matchless movie maker. Happy 131st Birthday tomorrow to irascible director and Portland native (and son of immigrants) John Ford. He launched John Wayne's career and defined the classic American western with Stagecoach, The Searchers, the cavalry trilogy and gobs more. And then there's The Grapes of Wrath, which is in a class all by its amazing self:
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Ford proclaimed in 1967: "I am a liberal Democrat and a rebel." Well, of course he was. He had intelligence and talent.
And tonight we pour out a splash of margarita for the Daily Kos member and dearly-missed force of nature Cedwyn, who passed away ten years ago today, but not before spending a decade splashing in the C&J kiddie pool. All together now: “F*ck cancer.”
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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