Bear with me, KTKers.
It’s been only two weeks now since I had to put my beloved dog Aggie Pocket to sleep, and I remain paralyzed in grief, guilt and loneliness. I honestly can’t think of anything to write about today.
I signed up again after years of absence to Facebook and posted her picture and news of her death and I have received wonderful messages of support and condolences, many from people who haven’t seen us for years, many who had never met her. I’ve joined some FB groups for people who are dealing or have dealt with pets suffering from Canine Cognitive Dysfunction or the loss of a pet. I’ve participated in discussions. There are people who are still poignantly grieving years after their loss. It’s hard to take.
The hardest part for me right now is the guilt I feel about the decision to end her suffering. Did I do it too soon? She was still having parts of each day that were good. She was still eating. Two nights after she was gone, I could feel her presence so strongly around me. She was wanting to come home. She was not understanding why. It was excrutiating. At times like this, it’s easy to forget her anxiety, her pacing, her constant barking at absolutely nothing. Her inability to find any comfort. The massive seizure. The magnitude of medications she was taking which were no longer bringing her any relief. We had surpassed recommended doses. At the end the only course of action open to us was to wean her off all the meds and try her on an MAOI. That would have meant she would have gotten much worse for a few weeks as we weaned her before introducing that drug which would take two weeks to work.If it worked, and that was questionnable. I just couldn’t do that to her. And then there was the seizure and the vet’s saying it signaled something else was wrong, which given her condition, it would have been inhumane to subject her to tests let alone treatment to determine what that was. At this point, along with the trazadone, gabapentin, metatonin and CBD for her dementia, she was also on meds for diarrhea, insipid diabetes, incontinence, and skin disruptions.
Until yesterday, I was so acutely aware of her absence and kept expecting to see her lying out in the yard or right at my feet with half her body under the coffee table. I was so accustomed to her getting up the second I moved that for two weeks I anticipated her reaction every time i shifted position on the couch. But yesterday I wasn’t having those instinctual reactions, expecting or envisioning her responses to me.
In Understanding the grief of euthanising a pet after Lewis Hamilton's dog's death, the author notes “our pets share some of the most ordinary and intimate parts of the day with us and it's going to be hard when they are suddenly no longer there.
"They slept in your bed, walked with you to the bathroom, watched you while you had a shower and ate your breakfast with you."
Chewy has a well thought out article on coping with the loss of a pet:
Pets love you unconditionally and are by your side during good and bad times. They share your life with you in intimate ways that even your friends and family members may not, perhaps comforting you when you’re sad or sharing your bed.
“Their constant presence truly becomes a steady source of support that you can count on,” says Farage-Smith.
Pets also become a big part of your daily routine. You may feed them as soon as you wake up, take them for an after-dinner walk, and play with them in the park on weekends. The change in routine brought on by their death can feel profound, and it’s a void that’s hard to fill.
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… it’s natural to feel a sense of responsibility for what happened to your pet, and you may feel a sense of guilt when trying to rationalize loss. She says pet parents often seek explanations to make sense of what happened, which can lead to undeserved guilt, even when the situation was beyond your control.
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They suggest six steps to incorporate in your grieving process, which include allowing yourself to grieve, reaching out for support, not dwelling on the bad times, and memorializing your pet.
Kitchen Table Kibitzing is a community series for those who wish to share a virtual kitchen table with other readers of Daily Kos who aren’t throwing pies at one another. Drop by to talk about music, your weather, your garden, or what you cooked for supper…. Newcomers may notice that many who post in this series already know one another to some degree, but we welcome guests at our kitchen table and hope to make some new friends as well.
