Late Night Snark: Stars and Shutdowns Edition
"The government shut down for the first time since 2018. As a result, all non-essential workers will be sent home without pay. Today President Trump looked at J.D. Vance and said: 'J.D., I'll see you in a couple of weeks.' "
—Jimmy Fallon
"Republicans would like you to believe that Democrats shut the government down. But the bill they wanted Democrats to sign would knock out about 15 million Americans from health insurance. It's like going out to dinner and the waiter says, 'You must order lasagna. The chef made it today, and a bunch of you are going to get food poisoning from it. But if you don’t eat it, you've ruined the meal.' That's the Garfield version of what's going on right now."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"President Trump on Saturday ordered the Defense Department to deploy troops to Portland, Oregon to 'secure the city.' From what? Farmer's markets? The only crime in Portland is the price of locally-sourced honey."
—Seth Meyers
"Portland??? Did I miss Vancouver attacking Portland in a fierce battle of mellow artisans? 'Don't shoot until you see the whites of their cold-foam, half-caf latte art!' "
—Jon Stewart
"I think it's funny. We're having a good time."
—Vice President J.D. Vance, on the posting of racist videos on social media by his boss, the President of the United States
—Via The Late Show
“We heard that JD Vance loves a good-natured, funny meme, so we made one just for him!”
—Stephen Colbert
"If it wasn't bad enough [for President Trump] to say 'Your countries are going to hell,' the theme of the [U.N.] General Assembly this year was Better Together. I'm guessing after what Trump just said, next year's theme might well be: Hey, Let's At Least All Agree—Fuck That Guy."
—John Oliver
Secretary of Warrior Cosplay Pete Hegseth addressing the generals: We have to be honest. We have to say with our mouths what we see with our eyes—to just tell it like it is in plain English, to point out the obvious things right in front of us.
Stephen Colbert: Okay. You suck monkey butt.
—The Late Show
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 3, 2025
Note: Today's note, which had something or other to do with warning you of an imminent Martian invasion led by Field Marshal Curiosity, is closed due to the government shutdown. We regret the inconvenience.
—The One Remaining Essential Employee at the National Note Service
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By the Numbers:
6 days!!!
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 55
Days 'til the Hood River Valley Harvest Fest in Oregon: 6
Number of times Mad King TACO has shut down the government while his fascist MAGA party controlled both houses of Congress: 3
Private-sector job losses in September, according to ADP: 32,000
Percent of Americans who describe the U.S. Supreme Court as being "too conservative," the highest in Gallup polling history: 43%
Rank of Fame (David Bowie), I'm Sorry/Calypso (John Denver) and Rhinestone Cowboy (Glen Campbell) on the pop charts this week 50 years ago: #1, #2, #3
Number of letters in "blessing," which is the term for a group of unicorns: 8
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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JEERS to the United States of We Suck. This week the Republican-led House and Senate got down to doing the important government work we all rely on…by shutting down the government on orders from their cult leader, the Lunatic-in-Chief. So now major chunks of the government are closed and hundreds of thousands of federal workers have no idea when they're gonna get paid next.
[T]here’s no immediate end in sight as congressional Democrats demand health-care policy changes that Trump and Republicans have refused to entertain.
Here we go again. Thanks a lot, Republicans.
Looming over the fight is the threat of mass layoffs, with Trump saying "vast numbers" of federal workers could be terminated. The White House Office of Management and Budget said in a recent email that workers whose activities are “not consistent with the President’s priorities” are a target, and Vice President JD Vance told reporters that the administration will "have to lay people off" if a shutdown extends for weeks.
Republicans are claiming Democrats shutdown the government to demand free health care for undocumented immigrants. … There is no proposal to provide free health care to people living in the country illegally.
And here's a little known fact, per the Constitution: during a shutdown the vice president has to sleep in a burlap sack covered in horseradish, and rely exclusively on camels for transportation. Oh, Madison, you merry prankster.
CHEERS to Quayle hunting. Thirty-seven years ago today, in 1988, Democrat Lloyd Bentsen—Michael Dukakis's running mate—opened a can of whupass on Dan Quayle (now considered only the second-dumbest VP, thanks to the arrival of the current one) during their debate, and naturally the Republican whined like a little snowflake:
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It was one of the great zingers in campaign lore, and today it's a staple of debate-highlight montages. Four years later, of course, came the famous potato"e" gaffe, thus proving Quayle wasn't a very smart vice president. But ya gotta admit, he was a terrific warm-up act for George W. Bush. (And an Einstein compared to Trump.)
CHEERS to weeding out the imperfections. Let's join Secretary of WAR!!! Pete Hegseth, who is still speaking to our top generals about the new requirements to be an active-duty member of the United States Military:
"No more claiming bone spurs to get out of KP or guard duty! No more slathering colorful makeup all over your face! No more "cankle-o's" in our glorious new military: if your ankles are swollen you WILL be dishonorably discharged! The same goes for flesh on your body that is decaying and turning gray, a sure sign that you have been INFECTED by the anti-Christ!
I love what the lice have done with his hair.
No more aimless rambling and slurring of words—you WILL speak in complete sentences that make sense or you will be GONE!
No stealing of classified documents!
No golfing in our great military—golf is a low-energy activity and is for SISSIES!
Marital fidelity is REQUIRED! Good business sense is REQUIRED! Earned love from your family is ESSENTIAL! And another thing…
Um, I've just been informed by our Commander-in-Chief that I've spoken long enough. In conclusion: Hoo-ah!"
Three words: behave yourself, Greenland.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to life the way they say it never was. On tomorrow’s date in 1957, Leave It to Beaver premiered on ABC. June Cleaver did housework in pearls, frilly dresses, and high heels. Or as I like to call it: me on gutter cleaning day.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are a few tidbits on the TV schedule for the weekend. As always, Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew pick up the Friday news dump pieces and put 'em back together. You can join us for the live-skeeting on BlueSky of tonight’s silly but classic Star Trek episode ”Return of the Archons” (8pm, H&I Network) at hashtag #allstartrek. And if you’re wondering just how low PBS has sunk since MAGA declared war on it, tonight’s guest on Firing Line (8:30) is...Dubya-era Attorney General toadie Alberto Gonzales.
Once again, the Red Sox have graciously bowed out of the post-season peaceably so another team can have a chance to win the trophy.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, the WNBA schedule is here, and the glorious post-season baseball lineup for homeland and superior American pastime havings is here. Puerto Rican performer Bad Bunny, currently responsible for the latest MAGA meltdown, hosts the season premiere of SNL.
On 60 Minutes: reports on the Vaccine Court and international supply-chain theft rings, and a profile of Rob Reiner. Sunday night at 8, Superintendent Chalmers launches a new snail slime-based career on a new episode of The Simpsons, or you can catch a Grammy salute to Cyndi Lauper live from the Hollywood Bowl on CBS. (Assuming they don’t cancel Cyndi Lauper on orders from the FCC.)
And the weekend comes to a close at 11 with a witty Britty recap from John Oliver on HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senator Adam Schiff (D-CA); Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Director of Porn Apps for Christ Mike Johnson.
If it’s got the time, the Trump and Epstein statues will drop by to gush over their big beautiful friendship.
This Week: Secretary of Destroying the Treasury Scott Bessent; Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ); Retired Gen. Peter Chiarelli and former Supreme Allied Commander at NATO Admiral James Stavridis.
Face the Nation: French President Emmanuel Macron; Retired Lt. Gen. Ben Hodges; Trump butt pimple Mike Johnson.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-MI); Senator Ruben Gallego (D-AZ); Director of Destroying the National Economic Council Kevin Hassett.
Fox Fascism Sunday: Senator Markwayne Mullin (Fascist-OK); probably more fake “members of Antifa.”
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 3, 2015
CHEERS to the bloom coming off the exclamation point. Oh! Jeb! What! Happened! To! Your! Campaign!
A new YouGov poll shows the former governor of Florida receiving 4 percent support in the GOP primary. When Mitt Romney struggled with being an unsurprising establishment favorite in 2012, he never dropped below 14 percent. In terms of poll numbers, Bush isn’t this year’s Romney. He’s this year’s Michele Bachmann.
At this point he'll be lucky to make it to the Dick-Cheney-Picking-Himself-For-Vice-President stage.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to lovebirds with longevity. "Barack and Michelle...sittin' in a tree...K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Former President Barack and First Lady Michelle Obama celebrate their 33rd wedding anniversary today. To put that in perspective, that's longer than any of Donald Trump's, Rudy Giuliani's or Newt Gingrich's three marriages (or, for that matter, the blissfully departed Rush Limbaugh’s four). Their genuine affection and support for each other while in the White House was inspiring, classing up everything from haughty state dinners to raucous campaign rallies to public service campaigns to readings of Where the Wild Things Are at the Easter Egg Roll. You simply could not see these two having a great time together and not break your face smiling.
To prove all of my points above, enjoy a few memories:
October 3, 1992
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The Obamas in September 2009. Sasha’s now a graduate of USC. Malia’s a graduate of Harvard.
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I’m told that the anniversary gift for year 33 is “amethyst.” Or as Donald Trump calls it after trying and failing to pronounce it half a dozen times: “Tylenol!”
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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