I know it’s kind of early for this, and I don’t expect to get much traction. I plan on reposting this sometime in the middle of December when it’s more relevant. However, some people have already started their Christmas shopping and it might be helpful.
Everyone has something minor that drives them insane. When they see a homophone error like two, too, and to being confused. Maybe they have misophonia, and the sound of chewing or cracked knuckles drives them up a wall. Ketchup on hot-dogs. It turns out for me one of those things is when Christmas stockings are done wrong. A stocking is not(!) wrapping paper, people. There are actually rules, guidelines, and traditions for what makes a good Christmas stocking.
There’s all those presents under the tree. Why the heck do we need even more presents? Especially a bunch of presents lumped together. Well,that’s because Christmas Stockings serve a different purpose from the rest of the gifts. The actual purpose of Christmas stockings is to give everyone something to occupy themselves while waiting for the larger gifts to be handed out. That’s why everyone gets them all at the same time and before everything else. They’re meant to keep the kids from getting bored (especially the kids over 30) until it’s their turn to open a present.
If the kids wake up at 6 am, and race to wake up their parents. Parents will let the kids get into the stockings so they can get the sleep they so desperately need. The extra hours are worth the sacrifice of having something to distract the kids with when they hand out presents later.
Obviously, since I’m irritated by Christmas stockings done wrong. I have to have an idea of how Christmas stockings should be done right. Some of my opinion comes from knowing the traditions and purpose of Christmas stockings. Some of it comes from having worked in retail for decades and being the chattiest son of a witch on the returns desk or layaway counter.
As for what belongs in a Christmas Stocking.
There must always be an orange in Christmas stockings. (My family has swapped out candy oranges for the actual fruit occasionally.) This actually dates back to when modern Christmas celebrations were started in the Victorian Era, and a Christmas pineapple was a status symbol. Oranges could only be shipped in winter, and in northern climates like England and the United States they were a seasonal (and exotic) treat. The only time people would see oranges was Christmastime, so they developed a strong association with the holiday. Once bananas became widespread, they were included in stockings for the same reason. However, bananas didn’t become as much of a must-have in stockings.
Unless the recipient is diabetic, you’re going to be putting candy into Christmas stockings. (Speaking as a diabetic. Sugar-free candy isn’t an acceptable substitute, and I’d prefer to just get Babybel Cheese and Slim Jims in my stocking.) Every candy is great, but there are three traditional Christmas candies. Chocolate-covered cherries, candy canes, and sugarplums.
From the name. I didn’t think sugarplums were actually a kind of candy. I assumed that it was something like prunes rolled in sugar or a kind of jam. This time last year I learned that they were actually nuts or dried fruit covered with a thick candy shell. (The YouTube channel Tasting History did a video on sugarplums.) The closest modern equivalents are Tootsie Pops or Charms Blow Pops. If you want to get traditional, M&M's, Reese’s Pieces, Skittles, and Jordan Almonds are descended from sugarplums.
Chocolate-covered cherries sell extremely well at Christmas. It’s amusing watching the giant pallets of boxed chocolate-covered cherries shrink over the season. Until associates buy them up on clearance for fifty cents or a quarter during the post-Christmas clearance sales.
Candy canes. I don’t think I need to argue very hard for candy canes. The story of how candy canes were created in the English Protectorate under Cromwell and have a ton of symbolism is well enough known that I don’t need to go into detail. I have a much more practical reason you should include candy canes. They look awesome sticking out the end of the stocking with the crook on the outside.
Like a box of Cracker Jack or kids' cereal, there should be some sort of mystery gift in a stocking. (I know prizes in cereal aren’t common anymore.) Stockings used to include Christmas crackers that contained a joke, small toy, and musical instrument. However, they fell out of favor in America at some point. Blind boxes, CCGboosters, and packs of sports cards are an awesome replacement.
Something needs to make some noise. After all, what else is 4 am for? (Hat tip to Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather for that line.) Kazoos, party horns, toy instruments, sound machines all make the grade there. If we still put Christmas crackers in stockings, we wouldn’t need to add something noisy.
Small toys and hand-held puzzles. Remember, this is something to keep kids (and adults with ADHD) occupied until the better gifts are handed out. Toy cars, Slinkys, metal link puzzles, mini-plushies, army men, Chinese Finger traps, etc.
Toothbrushes, small soaps, and other cheap useful items are okay. I’ve been really happy when my stocking included a pack of mechanical pencils and a crossword puzzle book.
There are things that absolutely, positively do not belong in stockings.
Nothing that can leak, spill, or otherwise create a mess inside the stocking can be placed inside stockings. Toothpaste, shampoo, bodywash, perfume, silly-putty, and slime should be avoided. I’ve heard tons of horror stories. Including where a bottle of perfume broke and caused a house fire. (Most scents are alcohol soluble, so perfumes and cologne usually contain alcohol. That’s why aftershave burns your face.) Everything else will just make a mess and ruin a bunch of stuff in the stocking.
Don’t put anything expensive in a stocking. I know it’s tempting because they’ll fit. Cell Phones, Rings, necklaces, bracelets, and gift cards are all no-nos. No, seriously, people have gotten divorced over this. Stockings are meant to be full of afterthoughts and timewasters. If it can stand on its own as a gift, it needs to be given as a separate gift. No individual items over $5 go in a stocking. Ideally, every item should cost less than $1 (okay, inflation has been really high lately, so $2).
This last part isn’t about what goes in a stocking, but about what comes out. For the love of God, Shiva, Budda, and all else that is holy, take every bit of food out on Christmas Day. Especially oranges and bananas. Please take them out. I’ve got trauma.
